7 days (week in review)

...but it starts with last sunday.
sadly, i am discovering the help offered was a smoke in mirrors bit, and i'm no less alone than previously. which is fine. i've often said i enjoy loneliness.
i do.

here are my lessons on the week:

1. my tragic flaw is love
... and because i have always felt cheated on love, i have sought it so incorrectly. i knew this. i have cut away many people now. and those who cannot be cut are not welcomed with my soul. they remain a safer distance that continues to etch its borders far from me.
unfortunately, they begin to pick up on this, THUS:

2. mom, i am unmoved
... i am frustrated so deeply, although- by now- i ought to be used to this behaviour. you SAY, and you SAY- but you DON'T. you make all of this valid. you were the first. your choice to go is my foundation. i should have known you meant what you said only as a nicety. i suppose all eyes were on you when my marriage imploded, and i am sure there was a type of "rescuers excitement" that ensued- now i wish you would have left me alone. i guess what i really mean is i wish now you had never come back. so when you cry and complain- when you storm away, angry with me over some mundane, menial, unreasonable thing i will say, "mom, i am unmoved."
a year ago, i wrote this for you.

3. xmas... getting... decent
... i have HATED christmas, i mean DEEPLY hated christmas since i was 14. nearly twelve years later, i find that- it's true- a child makes all the difference. i bought her a giant, animatronic, interactive triceratops. i think i want one for myself...


4. and yet, xmas sickness streak returns
...it was and is uncanny that every christmas i come down with a mega-sickness that essentially revokes my membership card to society. this year i have been enjoying an unholy combo of sinus infection, bronchitis and strep throat. just as good as it sounds.

5. telling you what
... i am not the snappy type. i truly despise confrontation. i sugar-coat; as well i beat around the bush. i have also decided these aren't characteristics which help me evolve in my womanhood. so, i have decided to let you know when you cross a line. i'm getting better at it- i am still uncomfortable with it, but i am starting to like it.

6. ay, dollars
...i finally made my set list of goals. someone very close to me mused, "...but you always talk about how it is so easy for you to disappear; how much you just want to get in your car and go... this seems completely contradictory."
well, yeh, it is. however and again: a child makes all the difference. i cannot be feral. and yes, this creates a pain in my soul, but for her, all pain is tolerable; and whats more is, i can withstand all things for her, without reservation.

you WILL understand.

that being said, i am paying down my debts and fixing my credit while slowly accumulating NEW monthly payments and MORE debt, which i believe i can totally handle, providing i can somehow get hold of my credit score and stick to my budget.

then i will buy a house.

7. real love
... i think it is. and i think it is the first time.

who knew?

love my way

"Theres an army on the dance floor
Its a fasion with a gun, my love
In a room without a door
A kiss is not enough in

Love my way
Its a new road
I follow
Where my mind goes

Theyd put us on a railroad
Theyd dearly make us pay
For laughing in their faces
And making it our way

Theres emptiness behind their eyes
And dust in all their hearts
They just want to steal us all and
Take us all apart, but not in

Love my way
Its a new road
I follow
Where my mind goes


Love my way
Its a new road
I follow
Where my mind goes

Swallow all your tears my love
And put on your new face
You can never win or lose
If you dont run the race

Love my way
Its a new road
I follow
Where my mind goes"

-psychedellic furs

bronchitis forever

my faith in mucinex is dwindling.

i yelled at the tv during one of their commercials:

"LIES!"

i screamed.

"ALL LIES!!"

no, arnold! it isn't worth it!

last night i dreamt arnold schwarzenegger broke into my house and shot me in the head.




i didn't die right away, instead i was asked questions like:

"do you feel dizzy?"

-- yes

"are you having trouble completing sentences?"

--yes

ultimately, no one called an ambulance- everyone laffed at me and said my head wound wasn't that serious.

****

anyone??

yuck

... and once again i am in a terrible mood
but this probably is 99% due to
1. being sick
2. not getting a WINK of decent sleep

all this travelling from couch to floor to chair is taking its toll.

i really want a bed.
thats all.
just a mattress on which to lay my head, and subsequent remaining parts of my body.

****

so now i have to make it thru the rest of the day
with my throat and chest and lungs feeling like they're on fire

i know-

all i do is complain

let's do it,cincinnati

so... dubiously, let's pretend that we just enjoyed the
"Blizzard of '08"
because, you know

we saw maybe 2 inches of snow, and THAT is really about all we can feasibly handle.

what i don't understand is why all the schools decided to panic and let out right in the MIDDLE of the storm when the roads really were at their worst,
when by 3 or 4 in the afternoon most of the main ways had recovered and no more precipitation was on the horizon.
it just seems as if it might make more sense to keep everyone in the buildings, where they would be safe, instead of sending them out to trail blaze in the slush and sleet to combat senseless, paranoid, cincinnati motorists.

on the other hand i have admittedly been a "cincinnati driver" since i first got behind the wheel, but THIS year i have found i don't get so scared.

i suppose i just feel safe in the vanagon. she really holds her own. my biggest concern is tipping over, but she's a pretty hefty girl so it might take a little more than i expect.

all a part of my blossoming adulthood, it seems.

when you become a real-live grown up you no longer fear driving in winter BECAUSE of winter itself- you fear it because everyone else on the road is clinically insane....

some of my ramblings...

i used to have a myspace profile, and i used the blog function on there from time to time. since i dont want to lose any of my writings i am posting those blogs here.
below are a collection of my ramblings from the past 2 years on myspace.

enjoy!!

*****

Friday, June 22, 2007

alabama hot nights


because my geography is incorrect, and while i had SAID i wanted Washington state, the universe has placed me here in the deep south.

i love it.

i spend my days wading in the mire. occassionally someone will need a tire changed.

i have placed a request for a dozen dead roses, i keep getting the live ones with real faces--

i could hang them, if i choose, tonight then, when the work is done...


****
Wednesday, June 27, 2007

ohio, black hole


someone said

"something about the seven hills"

i read some intresting things about the number seven, either in the idaho thrive or maxim.

did you know the number seven is the country code for russia?

if i were exotic my colour would be steel gray.

a peacock, seven shade of gray.

*****

Thursday, June 28, 2007

my apologies to kansas
Current mood: crushed

i slept right thru you.

i didn't breathe your air or feel your dirt on my feet.

........

whats the deal with that, moose?

you cant talk to me in a dream and expect me not to love you.

........

it's a hot night, salina.

let's drink lilac wine and blow kisses like bubbles toward colorado...


*****

Saturday, July 07, 2007

cigarette girl, part two
Current mood: incredulous


yesterday, a man bought a bunch of cigarettes. to amuse myself, i asked "Do you ever dream about cigarettes?"

He gave me a weird look and said no.

So I said, "Aw, man- you're missing out! In my dreams I am a cigarette fairy in cigarette land!"

He says "In my dreams, you're a brunette."

!!!!!

ew


*****

Friday, July 13, 2007

"murder, most foul"
Current mood: amused


so today, this guy comes up to the register, looks at me, drops his BEER, and says...


"OH MY GOD, you didn't KILL somebody, did you?"

"No, you're thinking of a tear drop."

BIG sigh. "Oh, thank GOD!..... So what's the star for?"

****

Saturday, July 14, 2007

experiment
Current mood: determined


after closing up the coffeeshop one night, i decided to write on a paper bag--

on one side it said "on the other side of this bag you will discover the meaning of life", and i left the other side blank.

i put the bag on the steps in the parking garage.

a man came down just after i did this, he picked up the bag, read the words out loud and exclaimed

"Well I don't give a good GODDAMN!"


****

free samples
Current mood: uncomfortable


we now have a box of free samples of stride gum at the gas station. it sits on the counter by the register.

last night a man came in and asks me this question: "What is this stride stuff? Some kind of erection gel?"

"No sir," I reply. "Thats chewing gum."

"Oh, heh. I thought it was some kind of erection gel (laffs) (pause) ...Not that I need it...."

heh.

***


Friday, September 14, 2007

an open letter to wes craven
Current mood: disappointed

look,

you've had a good run. no one denies that A Nightmare on Elm Street and Last House on the Left weren't incredible, psychological feats-- and, you know, BRA-VO! with movies like Shocker and People Under the Stairs....

but, Wes-

The Hills Have Eyes?

Projectile kidneys and bad ammunition decisions just aren't scary... they're just.... gross. It felt like a bad spin off of the ORIGINAL Texas Chainsaw Massacre (a MASTERPIECE), kind of the same vibe "Joey" produced as it spun off from "Friends" and into the Pit of Unimaginable Sorrow.

In conclusion, and with the deepest respect of one of your most loving fans, and standpatter Horror movie adherents... Give it up.

"With Love and Squalour"

.M.


****


Thursday, January 17, 2008

good news!
Current mood: busy

i decided to watch passion of the christ last night.
i can't imagine people in the cinneplex trying to eat popcorn watching that.

so, anyway, this has solidified my desire to get a portrait of mary on the back of my right leg. i've tossed the idea around for a while-- i'm not xtian by any means, but Mary was one hell of a woman.

and i like women.


****
Wednesday, April 23, 2008

girl: having a girl:
Current mood: tom waits


anthony said:

"i heard having a girl sucks all the beauty out of you"

i didn't say anything. he wasn't talking to me (persay)--

anthony doesn't really talk to anyone,

well-

in particular...

he just sort of talks...



but i keep thinking about it

i gained forty two million pounds when i was pregnant

and i fucked up a lot of my skin

and things don't really work as well as they used to

and my emotions are bizarre

and i'm sensitive to the point you almost can't touch me



you know



all the usual stuff



and i didn't obsess over this dumb thing anthony said

but i did stare at my face so long i didn't recognize myself

and my hands weren't mine

my arms grew three times the size

and floated to the ceiling

and i jumped, but was too heavy

so i had to watch them leave .



i didn't know what i was doing, those years ago, many years now, and sometimes i feel like i wasted my best years and have forsaken all my opportunity, and wasted my mind and love and attention on all kinds of lame, mundane, ordinary nonsense... and now here i am, with crops and riverfulls of intelligence and talent tht was NEVER harvested, and has deposited itself under my skin in bunches and slid down my face like a mask....



i know i'm being self-indulgent and pitiful



yeh, well....



i'm having a tom waits kind of day


****

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

25
Current mood: argumentative

everyone i know says 25 is a bad age
everyone seems to go thru the same "quarter-life crisis"
the ceiling gets closer...
(deep breath)
ohhhmagod....

i'm so tired today
yesterday, i drank a lot of beer and stayed out in the sun way too much
i didn't drink any water
and i didn't wait an hour before i got in the pool after eating...
so i was pretty much finished at 1030 pm
and went to sleep early
and could sleep more if you let me

***

i feel a morrissey song coming on

***

look you-

i fine tune my integrity everyday
the rules are always changing
so is the arena

i can't figure out
your criticism, and why it's so easy to dispense
i'm your protege, fine
you made me
i'm alive

now what

don't you think i wanted you?
are you mad because you loved me once
or you still do?

getting a bit personal, well
so are you
and what i do or DO NOT DO
is not up for discussion

evidently, YOU
don't know me
as well
as you thought.


****
Tuesday, September 16, 2008

million dollar lips
Current mood: dirty

last night was crazy at the bar-
since the hurricane passed thru
the restaurant is the only place for miles and miles (sic)
which had any power
so
it was like a friday night
which was good
very good
but long
and today
i am tired...

anyway-

so the last customer to leave last night
sat against the wall, far from the bar
and as i was closing
he waved and came over to me and said

"i have been watching you all night.
i find you so intriguing."

this kind of thing always makes me uncomfortable
but i play it off well,
because "mandy-the-show"
was in full effect
so- i don't remember WHAT i said-
but it had to be something over the top
and flirty
and ridiculous
and HE does this:

he says: "You have beautiful lips."
and gives me ten dollars
and then leaves

****

they all fall under the spell of my natural pout
(ha)

but it was flattering
and kind of neat
and hey

my lips made me an extra ten bones.

***

speaking of me saying things over the top
and flirty and whatever else

i had a particularly annoying customer
whom coincided with my brain to mouth function being set to JACKPOT

when he misunderstood my description of a certain menu item
((( i said it smelled of cinnamon )))
he replied:

"No one's ever told me i smelled of cinnamon before.
today i think i'm a bit musky.
i smell like sweat and 18 holes of golf."

to which my instant retort was

"Maybe some girls like the smell of 18 holes on a man."

****

THAT was a bad call....


****

i have a new goal

i saw a picture of jessica biel on msn the other day, wearing a really great gold bikini. i decided i want to wear a bikini that looks like that.

part of my problem with my back injury right now is that i'm not allowed to exercise- this couldn't have come at a worse time
because
i had finally turned that corner
where eating right
and exercising were becoming enjoyable
as if it was something i could really WANT to incorporate into my daily life
so,
you know-
i was looking forward to getting myself together.

now i have to wait for the pain to be completely gone-
and its winter
so i'm going crazy now trying to combat the pounds and ounces by continuing to eat well along with my new hobby:::

MALLWALKING
((or hobbling, really, since stepping still shoots pain up my spine if i do it too hard))

i'm going to get a monogrammed fanny pack and a matching visor. a pair of white reeboks will complete the ensemble.

hey if i'm going to do it i may as well do it, yes?

so anyway- what does this have to do with jessica biel?
nothing- except i liked her bikini. and jessica biel has an amazing body. and I want to look amazing
in jessica biel's bikini
covered in mud
because
one day
maybe 40 years from now
i want my daughter to come across a picture of me
at 26
in a bikini
covered in mud
from a summer day at east fork with dogs and friends
and i want her to show all her friends this picture and say

"Yeh, look how HOT my mom was"

***

then i want to join the peace corps.

what happiness?

i have changed my attitude
i fell asleep last night feeling pissy and generally out of sorts
i awoke feeling much the same

and then i decided around 10 am

fuck it

i'm just going to be cool
and sweet
and nice
and loving
and friendly

and you know what?

i feel better.

and i'm ok with things again

fuck it

i'm happy

i'm thinking...

i kind of want to join the peace corps....

huh.

my awesome news!!

so i had a follow up doc visit with whom i was referred by the e.r.
and he agreed that it is an injury to my ligaments and he had THIS to say:

"Oftentimes, soft tissue injuries can be more painful than actual damage to the bone. If you're feeling better a month from now you're on the right track."

??

a MONTH?

so i'm supposed to just chill. i'm not allowed to exercise, which SUCKS for at least 2-3 months. the pain has to be completely GONE before i can start doing anything again- and i'm still not supposed to lift, so you know
tell that to my 2yearold.


(fig1.human spine)

so i suppose we will wait and see.

gosh, i'm excited.

someone for everyone

i hate the term soul mate.

i hate it with a unique loathing and amusement-

not because i am embittered, entirely

and not because i am cynical, entirely---> although i am --->

just not entirely.

***

it isn't that i can't trust;

i can do that too.

i trust in the way you walk a dog using a retractable leash.

not too close, not too far

and i can put a stop to your advances with a flick of my wrist,
yes- but

for a little while you are ahead

and i curiously watch

5 feet

7 feet

12 feet back.

you know-

whatever.

***

i can trust.

it is a tepid sort of trust.

but it's there.

((tepidly))

***

this might all be easier if i weren't psychic-
wait--->

that sounds campy.

ok,
i am not psychic-

i do not know:
1. the name of the street you grew up on
2. the name of your uncle who died recently, whose handkerchief magically appeared in your sock drawer the morning of his funeral
3. how many pets you have, or
4. if you have an std

see. i just don't know these things.
really, i don't want to.

so don't tell me.

i'm not psychic
i'm intuitive
to a paranormal degree

i can feel you
i can feel you now, here on my skin
if you are close enough
i can feel your pulse
and the blood coasting thru your veins
i can hear your thoughts
i can tell your insecurities
and your pain
your soul
like an x-ray in my head
your heart beating in mine
full of secrets
they flood thru me
and i know

everything.

***

i don't know why
i just have always been able to pick up
to tune in
to others

mainly the living
the dead and i seem to be copacetic
or maybe they just have nothing to say
or maybe i'm not really afraid
or you know

whatever.

***

i guess this is why it becomes harder and harder for me to choke down the phrase
"soul mate"
these days.

i have several takes on this matter
depending on the day
weather
longitude and latitudinal positioning
how much have i had to drink
am i wearing shoes?
that kind of thing

1. SOMEDAYS i just think it's a joke- this occurs when i am at my super anti-existentialist: everything is disconnected, nothing matters, etc. we ARE all alone.
2. SOMEDAYS i think i have finally found the one- everything becomes clear. my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE from the minute my mom got knocked up was MEANT for this ONE PERSON. EVERYTHING i have EVER done at ANY TIME EVER in my LIFE was simply leading to this union.... and when i come off whatever numbered cloud i'm river-dancing on, usually the memory of these thoughts make me gag. HEARTILY.
3. SOMEDAYS i think it is entirely possible, but i also think the timing of such things occurring need to be
a. precise, and
b. unexpected
you can't seek out your soul mate. even IF this person exists at all, you might never know. i certainly have been around couples that exude an ethereal radius:: as if descending on earth only to find one another again and again were some sort of recess; as if there were perpetually playing out a romantic version of ghost in the graveyard.

--------------------------welcome to the sidebar
now, don't get me wrong. i ADORE the thought of having someone such as that. such as the word bound is literal but not taken. it sounds like something inaudible-- it is a magnitude i cannot comprehend.
maybe i'm thinking of it a little like i think of twins. which throws a whole new log on this raging fire i am building.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

((... so back to 3))

but, when you meet this person- if you are smiled upon enough to meet- are you then also lucky enough to know? and does it still require the same amount of work and frustration and crazy-thoughts? there's a time period during the beginning of a relationship (which is cute at first) that includes a sort of paranoia about the other person. this manifests itself in thoughts such as::

"does he really like me?"

"what does he really see in me?"

"i'm not good enough for you."

but it's supposed to be temporary. does this happen if you meet and recognize your soul mate?
and even if this person isn't your soul mate, how long is this phase supposed to last? i mean, really? you KNOW you have at least ONE friend who constantly obsesses this way. it gets old. it gets mucky.
it gets hard to get out of.

really, you are the only one you're battling.

but why??

is it because of our collective mindset? that somewhere out there is the person you're destined for?
because we are taught always to look for that?
because we are taught marriage is normal and correct, and anything outside that scenario is somehow deviant? ((THIS extends to children!! Couples who don't have children are whispered about- they are told they are selfish!!))
because we are taught sex is wrong?
is eharmony to blame?

i think maybe a little.

what i am getting at is, even if you find someone significant, whom you could devote a genuine (and HEALTHY, not INSANE) portion of yourself to, why is it so difficult to shrug off the nagging, nasty sensation that- while YOU maybe be a wonderful occurrence- deeply, they are longing for the OTHER ONE

]]]] see at the start of this INCREASINGLY BECOMING A STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS post i promised myself i would NOT use the phrase "the one who got away

in it's place i will use "OTHER ONE" in all caps, unless i think of something better- at least more poignant [[[[[[[[[[[[

the OTHER ONE.

well,
everyone has one.
i don't believe anyone (almost) who denies this.

what classifies THE OTHER? (i'm switching to THE OTHER, i like it better)

could be so many things. made up of so many ingredients.
the later you cameo in someone else's life, the steeper the bank you have to traverse.
when you meet their friends, their families, you are handed volumes of histories of which YOU were never a part of. experiences you can never claim. triumphs, failures, growth- all sharing the common thread of your absence.

this is fine- this is expected. this is also why i get so incensed when arguments during relationships venture into these zones. because they hold so much gravity, they MUST be off limits.
YOU weren't there.
YOU don't know.
form an opinion if you want.
but you can never have permissions into those areas because they are simply sacred.

but again, the later you come in the more you have to sort thru. the more chances there have been for severely sordid loves and losses.

maybe her dad got transferred junior year of high school.
maybe she hung up on you and never called again.
maybe she died on a road, in a car. maybe she was alone.
maybe you left her behind. even if it was your choice, it damaged you. and you would be LYING if you said you didn't consider going back to her everyday.
maybe she said no.
maybe it isn't the right time. maybe it won't ever be.

who knows, right?

i guess, when you realize that sameness in everyone- if you are so evolved you could share in that WITH your companion- you could appreciate it for what it was, and maybe ever derive some comfort from it. i don't think it would be easy.
and i think really there would and will forever be the sting of knowing a piece of the heart of who you love will never belong to you.

nostalgia is a dangerous thing.

***
recently i had a past life reading that said something along the lines of there not so much being a soul mate for another- individually. it was more that you meet someone- or many- with complementary energy patterns, or similar auras. the energy patterns don't necessarily have to run the same courses, they just have to agree- even if they counter one another.
so, here we are now at the yin/yang theory. balance, clearly, is necessary. communication, without a doubt, is crucial. the energy flow of one entity will impact as well as interact with that of another. how it all comes together is the answer.

can you or can you not feasibly BE with this person.

myself... i have said the "soul mate" thing to some others. never to MY OTHER. but, again- and using a case here to make a point from (much) earlier, i don't think i need to say it to MY OTHER.

but i have said it. for me, it carries more weight than the words "I love you", although that really isn't too challenging when you think about it.

only ONCE have i ever said "I've never kissed anybody the way i kiss you."

and that was and is true.

and THAT was a compliment to him.

****
but soul mates? i feel there shouldn't be sadness there. or a general queasy-ness to it. or an apprehension. at least, not the extreme apprehension associated with large drops and whatever that thing is that lives in the ohio river.

you know what i'm talking about.

(do you? i've been going on for hours by now)

Someone for Everyone


i suppose the question is: is it in you to forgive THEIR OTHER, as well to release YOUR OTHER?
and not necessarily forgive, so much as accept, even sympathize.
or do you always feel they're who you could never be? you could come close but you won't ever be....
them.

where do you put that sadness, or fear?
me?
i always am tempted to run.
and it is easy and natural for me to abscond. and the more i grow and am alone- the more i get to know myself all over again, the older i am- the more of a desire for meaning in my life- the less attached i am to an ideal of youth and self-destruction. i can't say i want permanence, fundamentally- at least, and definitely NOT from something outside my own self- but i want to be mine, and what i may start requiring from the people i appoint in roles closest to myself will be very much the same.

***

i don't know if i could or can get over the feeling of being in someone else's shadow. even if it was only in my head- it shouldn't even have to be a thought.

i am intuitive, like i said.
so i know what it is and where i am.

it's just a lot to ask.

*****
AMENDMENT 1.. 12/10/08

in reference to: myself... i have said the "soul mate" thing to some others. never to MY OTHER. but, again- and using a case here to make a point from (much) earlier, i don't think i need to say it to MY OTHER.

but i have said it. for me, it carries more weight than the words "I love you", although that really isn't too challenging when you think about it.

i realize the contradiction of this in relation to the rest of the post.
i have said "soul mate" to people, and i have thought i meant it.

at 17 i had an on-again/off-again relationship with cincinnati's then king of the punk rock scene, which was a huge deal at the time. i enjoyed my status. even when we weren't together- other girls would come and go ((he was a whore, true- i forgave it- i saw him as kind of an Abbie Hoffman type. see also: i was wrong!))- but what was strange was this sort of respect i commanded from them. and maybe it was how his friends ((who in the end all begged me to leave him)) treated me, or related to me, or never took any of those girls seriously. maybe it was my attitude of:
"Yeh, go ahead and FUCK him, You're not going to be ME."
maybe it was because he always came back. who knows right?
it was an intimidation, to an extent, i think. and it isn't ever something i'm totally proud of. whether or not i ruined this guy is debatable. in a way- really in large ways- we fucked up each others lives.
THIS guy was the first person i ever told was my soul mate. and i said it so i believed it and i treated out relationship as that- no matter WHAT i went thru or did or what the fuck.
and you know what it all was??

GIANT

FUCKING

WASTE

OF

TIME

and it hasn't been the only story.
the problem is:
i say it, i think it, i believe it and it is WRONG. LOVE is much easier, because love is flexible and subjective. it grows and shrinks and expands and changes. when it comes to things like a SOUL MATE, THAT is permanent. THAT is a place with no room for choices. it IS or IS NOT.

this guy- when i was 17 told me once
"people always say things that end up being false- but not because it wasn't true at the time they said it."

it has since stuck with me, and it has repeatedly rang true. it is one of the few things he left me with to which i still hold on. and yet, even though i had said "soul mate" to him ((i feel like i GOTTA say he was the first one to bring it up)) it wasn't true then- it was ALWAYS false. i believed it, but that doesn't make it a fact. i meant it, but you can really, really in the pit of you soul MEAN and BELIEVE that 2 + 2 = 5 and STILL you would be incorrect... this is the same thing. i guess i'm just tired of being wrong. i guess i'm sad for being wrong so much.

another phrase i read in a COSMO i think while i was waiting at the pharmacy said:

"A relationship turns out of of two ways: either it lasts forever or you break up."

and i laffed as i read it but realized that while it may appear glib and certainly is succinct, it's right.

you will tell me nothing lasts forever. you may find people with energy patterns to fit your own, the world over, and still never find a true soul mate- or worse- continue to pass that person by.

as far as me, i will retract- a bit- from my platitude of "I hate the term SOUL MATE", and change it to- cautious of. i am 25 yes, but i have already said it too much, and now i realize it ought to mean everything. it means more than "i love you", to me, because i have experienced love but never a soul mate. so i wait. i'm in no rush.

we don't want to over-water the plant, now do we?

******
AMENDMENT 2- also 12/10

just quickly regarding MY OTHER:

i have all the possible love anyone could ever know for you- this will always be true- and because of this you TRUMP many many things which cross my path- so much in fact, you could never really grasp what that means. the colours richness of my perception of you would BLIND you.
but-
i have released you. i have had to. i had to say no.
all wanting aside, and
i do what i have to do.

no more or less than just what i said.

i do what i have to do.

*****
AMENDMENT 3, same day still

regarding: this guy- when i was 17 told me once
"people always say things that end up being false- but not because it wasn't true at the time they said it."

it has since stuck with me, and it has repeatedly rang true. it is one of the few things he left me with to which i still hold on. and yet, even though i had said "soul mate" to him ((i feel like i GOTTA say he was the first one to bring it up)) it wasn't true then- it was ALWAYS false. i believed it, but that doesn't make it a fact. i meant it, but you can really, really in the pit of you soul MEAN and BELIEVE that 2 + 2 = 5 and STILL you would be incorrect... this is the same thing. i guess i'm just tired of being wrong. i guess i'm sad for being wrong so much.

a friend i know- has a friend on his myspace page, that i happened to randomly click on because i was intrigued by the photo. his headline read:

Everybody just wants somebody to love them, like they wish they could love themselves.

there in that simple phrase i think captures all the sadness in me- like fireflies in a jar.

and i suppose i have been so eager, and now am so resilient to this abstraction of the ideal of "soul mates" because something in me is realizing that true love has to first start inside the person.

since i was always missing the appropriate people loving me, i sought it, rather than weaved it out of my own soul. this is why i have always been so confused. and this is now why i feel like i must be so careful.

not to be reckless with my heart ((no, no more))
not to be reckless with the hearts of others.

it comes from a very genuine place.

anyone have a small violin?

so my back is not better:: in FACT
it feels worse
like my vertebrae are crackling
i couldn't believe how much pain i was in today at work- i tried SO hard to keep it together
but after a certain point i just broke down crying
this went on for at least an hour
so i tried to stay away from customers and just do office work
but everyone could see it in my face-
that and i continue to limp.
i will be following up with that doc the e.r. physician referred me to
but i have a bad feeling he wont believe me
its funny-
you get a couple tattoos and suddenly everyone thinks you're a drug addict.
i know i know-
i kind of knew that going in and
its not like i have a tattoo on my FACE
but FUCK.
the pain is breathtaking- and the spasms haven't quite quit.
and the best way i can describe it is feeling as if someone is perpetually
swinging a baseball bat into the small of my back.

on top of this
i got VIOLENTLY sick on thursday
"vomiting with a vengeance", really
****

i hate throwing up-
i am genuinely SCARED of throwing up, which is weird i know
and i woke up fine on thursday
but as the day elapsed my stomach turned itself into a knot
and it wasn't just my belly that purged
it was my entire body
i have never felt anything like that before

a few hours after i started feeling a little better-
Wn was mega-sweet and got me some popsicles
which are the ONLY thing i can stomach after i vomit

but the next day (friday)
i barely ate anything
maybe four bites of breakfast- they didn't feel too good
some easy mac- which i finished but the taste was abhorrent
i had some greek yogurt which i needed desperately for the old g.i. tract
some noodle soup later as filler
and for some reason pizza, which i am STILL tasting
and
that can't be good

later that night i drank not EVEN 3 sips of wine
it tasted HORRIBLE
and made my stomach CHURN

then today-
going on not much sleep anyway-
back all a-fucked
i had maybe a 3rd of a mocha i attempted to treat myself with
a muffin- which went down decently- but
that was it
i have not eaten anything else
mostly because i don't feel like i could keep it in me
and for some reason
i feel extremely full
like i don't have any room in my belly- even for liquid
and the only thing that even tastes right is water

on a brighter side i have only smoked maybe 4 cigarettes in the past few days
i just can't handle the flavour
i feel like i really want some alka-seltzer

***

so now if you know all this and you know how important it is for me to eat
(considering the hemoglobin/blood sugar issues)
then you know i am EXTRA f-ed up because i haven't been eating so
i am totally out of my head
and while i am supposed to take my mega-huge heavy iron pills on an empty stomach
i can't because they give me the worst cramps
and while they truly make me feel better
i couldn't handle the extra pain

so....

bleh.

yeh, i'm having a bit of a pity-party for myself.

i need hugs.

i like channing

we made faces at each other

...so i did it again

1. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
honestly, i don't wear underwear. i don't know how this started, becasue i used to own a lot of pairs.

2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
smoking a cigarette, but i am trying to hold off. it's my last one, and i don't want to drive to the store.

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
well, blogging, i guess. taking surveys because they put me in a good mood. i have been in a pretty bad mood all day.

4. Honestly, what did you do today?
i slept a lot. i played with my datr. i made some fires. meh.

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
i don't know, this is a weird question for me. i think my face is pretty. i think i have a good personality. i'm a bit overweight and that bothers me. i don't know.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
um.... i wasn't very nice to some people. i wouldn't say thats bad necessarily.

7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
honestly, i watch disney on demand because my datr likes the mickey mouse clubhouse. if you can tell me how to avoid getting sucked into a kids tv show, tell me how. she will even lose interest before i will. she'll run into the next room, and i'm still sitting there going, "Use the mystery mouse-ka-tool, Mickey! It's the only way you'll make it up Mistletoe Mountain!!"

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
no, i don't get jealous easily. it really takes a lot.

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
the feeling of moving forward in my life.

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
very seldom. i used to a lot more, but it makes your nails look fucked up. i have grown to hate that chewy look.


11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
improving. and i think it has something to do with the painkillers and the fact there is NO NOISE in the house right now.

12.Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
no way. i have to eat regularly or i get really sick, and i have a crazy phobia of vomiting. its called emetophobia.

13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
i do, but it's not going to happen, so you know- i get over it.

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
kind of, yeh, i do.

16. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
i try not to hate. i hate things- you know- i hate that crazy m.i.a. song about... paper planes? is that what they're talking about? it sound like cash registers and guns. i hate the word booklet. i don't know why. it just is kind of a dumb word to me. i hate crazy busy bars like MLT. it isn't so much the bar as it is the crowd, and it is impossible to order a drink.

17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
a big marshmallow. doesn't that sound like fun? i guess i would also like to hug a panda if i knew it wouldn't bite me.

18. Honestly, are you loyal?
i am. until that loyalty is abused.

19. Honestly, are you in denial?
no, i'm just ignoring certain things.

20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
well, maybe. but my back hurts pretty bad so i don't think i would enjoy it all that much.

21. Honestly, who is your best friend?
her name is angie. and i miss her.

22. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol?
oh, it is to laff...

23. Honestly, do you like someone?
honestly, very much.

24. Honestly, does anyone like you?
well, shit i sure hope so. otherwise i would feel pretty lame.

25. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
i think so. right now it's all about taking my time, so i'm not trying to see too far ahead. i think we both just enjoy each others company.

26. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
absolutely.

these always put me in a better mood

1) Who is the last person you high-fived?
i think it was Wn because we were complimented on the ultimate 80's-ness of it

2) If you were drafted into a war, would you serve?
i think honestly, no... at least not for THIS administration

3) Do you sleep with the tv on?
no thats completely impossible for me

4) Have you ever wheezed the juice?
what? how exactly does one do this? is this question asking me if i have ever drank boo juice?

5) Have you ever won a spelling bee?
i got really close one time and took third. it got me a picture in the parish circular. i think i was holding a beanie baby next to my head in the photo.

6) Have you ever been stung by a bee?
yes- and i almost died!!

7) How fast can you type?
pretty fast. i'm kind of awesome at typing.

8) Are you afraid of the dark?
only after i watch 28 days or 28 weeks later. i am afraid of zombies, or people who have the rage virus.

9) What color are your socks?
which pair? i am wearing two pairs because i am cold.

10) Have you ever made out at a drive-in?
if i did it was with my boyfriend matt junior year. he was a dairy boy at kroger when i worked there. i don't remember why i broke up with him. all i remember is he started dating this friend of mine later on, and i think she gave him the clap.

11) When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower?
i never choose a bath. if i have a bath i have to shower thoroughly beforehand, then clean the tub, then i can take a bath. i'm not much for wallowing in filth, mine or otherwise.

12) Do you knock on wood?
isn't that bad luck?

13) Do you floss daily?
as much as possible. i feel gross if i don't floss. and i am always paranoid that i have something in my teeth.

14) Do you wanna Fanta?
oh god- those kinds of soft drinks give me crazy heartburn.

15) Can you hula hoop?
briefly, in small, sudden bursts

16) Are you good at keeping secrets?
depends on the secret, who it is about, etc. i try to remain unaffiliated, but there is at least one person who gets to hear everything i do. so you know- know that before you tell me anything.

17) What do you want for Christmas?
a tattoo, a gift card to borders. a latte in the morning would be nice.

18) Do you know the Muffin Man?
yeh, but we really havent spoke since that unfortunate incident with the Donut Dame

19) Do you talk in your sleep?
i do- and i've gotten some really weird returns on it. a guy i used to date refused to have sex with me for a week because of something i was talking about in my sleep. he never told me what it was, which i thought was a little unfair.

20) Who wrote the book of love?
i don't know but Mark Z. Danielweski should re-write it. that would just be awesome.

21) Have you ever flown a kite?
not well. i try to think of it as reverse fishing.

22) Do you wish on your fallen eyelashes?
i have before but it isn't a habit.

23) Do you whiten your teeth?
oh for hell NO! that is SO bad for you. ((says the smoker))

24) Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?
that is kind of gross.

25) Have you ever asked for a pony?
every year... sigh

26) Have you, or would you ever, donate sperm/eggs?
i would love to donate eggs, and not just because they pay you for it. ok, well maybe a lot because they pay you for it. but the idea of helping someone is nice too. i think they pay you a lot of money.

27) Can you juggle?
i really try my damndest to. inevitably, i end up hurting myself and/or others.

29) If you could enact any new law, what would it be?
everyone buys me a tattoo at least one time in their life.

30) Do the chickens have large talons?
i hope not. isn't a large talon a sure sign of genetic modification?

31) If you had only enough energy left in you for one last smile, who would you give it to?
i suppose whoever was watching me die. that's kind of creepy. and i'm not sure who i would want to watch me die, or who should be awarded the privilege. maybe i will just keep a mirror with me from now on so if i am dying i can look at myself and smile. thats a good idea.

32) Are you ready to rumble?
not really. i can't rumble anyway for the next 2-3 weeks until my ligaments get better. lame!

33) Can you count to Schfifty-Five?
i can. schwan, doo, doo and heif... hahahahahahahaha!

34) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
no but i got a lot of saturday detentions. those were the worst. i feel like the nuns enjoyed it, however.

35) How do you spell relief?
glass of wine, cigarette. g-l-a-s-s o-f w-i-n-e, c-i-g-a-r-e-t-t-e. like that.

36) Have you ever crawled through a window?
yes i have. sometimes just for the hell of it.

37) Have you ever eaten dog food?
yeh, when i was a kid i tried it. i remember liking it. but my grandfather saw me and yelled at me, so i stopped. it was just the once.

38) Can you handle the truth?
i don't know. the truth can be very painful. i like to dart around the truth a little bit sometimes. it's a bad habit i know, but i like to live in denial as much as possible.

39) Do you like green eggs and ham?
wouldn't they taste the same as ordinary green eggs and ham? all you do is add green dye right? unless they were spoiled, and in that case legitimately green. but why would you serve something like that?

40) Who is your daddy? and what does he do?
wow, he is a news reporter, and to my knowledge has never fallen from a platform while stomping grapes.

i....

am in a bad bad bad mood.

i could think of millions of reasons why this might be
but upon further investigation it just seems like
b.s.
and i end up feeling like a malcontent
which is a terrible thing to feel

it makes my awesome mood even worse.


so suffice it to say:::
i hate everyone
i hate everything
everything sucks
the end.

guess what i did!!

i hyper-extended the ligaments in my spine!!

this is fantastic!

so, the awful twisting injury of doom occured on wednesday
and tonight i finally made it into the emergency room
because no one should cry
on account of sitting
(which i did. sitting shouldn't HURT)

(right?)

yeh
so i went and they took like 5 xrays
which will cost me a small fortune
and they all looked fine
so
i waited in my room for an hour for the doctor to come in
and ask me to walk around on my toes
then my heels
then i had to bark like a dog
and catch a Frisbee with my teeth
and jump thru a flaming hula-hoop
and renounce satan
THEN he says

"it appears you have yah yah yah yah yah yah yah"

and he gives me some muscle relaxers and steroids and painkillers
and we hugged and kissed each other

then i waited for another 45 minutes for nurse to give me my discharge papers---

i won't lie
i thought they forgot me so
i counted the blood stains on the floor
(14 total)
((yeh, there was this weird little trail of blood around my room and into the hallway which no one had bothered to clean up))

then some other stuff happened
now i am blogging about it and
i feel very talkative
because i am also drinking a mix of baileys and egg nog
which is great, a little, right now
but i probably won't mix the two ever again

write it down, ladies...

too cold for the river

my datr's most favourite thing to do::

go down to the river and throw rocks in the water.

so since it's cold and snowy and wet, i'm thinking

no river. i told her::

it is too cold for the river.

she gave me that blank "dora the explorer" blinking stare and replied:::

"ah river?"

***

sigh

***

so instead
i took her to what was once the bane of my existence- first job- lost circle of hell- cess pool

chuck e. cheese





it would have been insufferable had there been anyone else in the building
but it actually ended up being a genius solution to sunny ohio's awesome weather festivus.

she doesn't grasp at all the concept of games and prizes
and she has the attention span of a tube sock
and i was pretty for sure we were going to be asked to leave during her very first skee-ball lesson wherein she insisted on throwing overhand as opposed to the official skee-ball association appropriated underhanded roll...



but i taught her how to pull the tickets just right from the machines so that you end up with a couple extra
and she got to pick out a prize, which ended up being laffy taffy and some incredibly well put together foam plane flyer that flew from her hand and into the abyss...

all in all a good day

i'm not mad i'm... something else

i feel tired. i feel patient and impatient.

***

it is raining.
this is fine, except my windshield wipers stopped working a few months ago.
i rain-x'ed the beejesus out of my van, however
it doesn't help that much.

***

every morning- well,
sometimes
some mornings
when i wake up
you think i am mad.

well,
i can't be a supernova all the time.

last night, venus and jupiter aligned-
and
you were right (you are right)
it was special (it is)

that doesn't mean
i can't be quiet about it

i can't try to forget
the wet black highway
and us hydroplaning
leaving soggy treadmarks
on the freeway
i stared at my hands
because i was scared....

NOT because i was mad-
i am NOT mad
i am something else entirely

***

so, what?
(can YOU hear it? i can)

WwOoMmAaNn!!
WwHhAaTt IiSs TtHhEe PpRrOoBbLlEeMm??

me: huh?

heh.

it's not that there is something to tell,
there is nothing to tell
nothing of any value
not really-
my head, my heart
all wells
i'm just... out there
right now
and maybe feeling
a little ignored
so
i went to bed
and it was
AAAAAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so


nice,

and now with the door closed
i get my space.

my, my...

i've decided i miss people, and
i didn't realize how much time had gone by between us.

you in indiana-
i think it is funny
how we stay connected, always somehow
we always know a little about each other
but
not in that acquaintance-semipermeable type of way

it is more a sincere, far off admiration
like lighthouses
marking a dock you won't ever moor
some strange, absent nostalgia
and a love
that beckons but doesn't belong

sad the way i feel i would look at you
if we we together

my heart opens
no matter how shut the door becomes

and for you
a special place, always
in my soul...

***

however-

today just so happened to be one of the most productive days of my existence
i am proud of myself
i (all by myself)
got very close to being almost out of debt
almost as 100% as possible
and it is so freeing

and i did it
no one else

heh

i LIKE it...

****

and i miss you,
in vegas
in new england or maui
or...

where did you go?

sometimes your silence
resonates so profound
and my thoughts often lead to you
and this time your quiet
is stark
and final-feeling

i could dream speak
but you would ignore it anyway

it just-
it isn't our time
yet and still

i love you
just the same
but
that won't matter now

i worry that it ever will

****

what a day
a long day
and i am up
indulging in my lethargy of the late nights
my wine- my constant companion
my racing thoughts
and longing for narcotics...

a wanderlust for the extreme sweetness invoked by a mere shot in the vein of my well-doing
i want to be sweet to you
to the world
and forget my misplace anger
and out-of-sorts- it
ought to be my last resort, yeh
well....

top dollar offers
but i am still waiting

****

so well,
looking forward to four hours of a wine induced nap-
a nap now
not even sleep
in the daylight i go back to what is commonly known as
ME
--
mandy-the-show
professional
orderly and obedient
and
"that was a good close"
you know-

thats all i got to me-



somedays,
maybe.

*****

and you
my sweet, broken shouldered
newfound
handsome something

my mind swims thru thoughts of you
memories i have
to build an entire future
your warmth
is what i am after
safe and sound
in my van

or your arms

the cold ground
that is always breaking...

i am breathing
and drinking
and readying myself for another smoke
my 100,000th of the day

heart beats away

come on now, you old apocalypse....

i only have so much time to waste....

lethargy of the late nights

i was meaning to watch a movie
but i get so addicted to the internet-
yes, i admit it

addicted.

i need a solid releasing program
full of steps and coins and power circles-

it's true.

"because i do not hope to turn again..."

a barista a a starbucks once said to me
"i love t.s. eliot...
even tho he was a huge douche bag..."

this is after explaining about the tattoos on my forearms
which incorporate a quote from eliot's "ash wednesday"

>>><<<

so sure.
fine.

<<<>>>

everyday that passes now
leaves me feeling as if i have closed yet another door on my previous life

tonight
my ex-landlord came to visit me at the restaurant

i sat with him for a long time

he was recalling his wife of 28 years and said to me
"at this point i don't think i would ever get married again
i am too set in my ways to start over"

i remarked that he was comfortable, but he countered with
"no- i am not comfortable.
i am just happy."

and it caused me to think

happiness, without comfort

it seemed odd, and yet

a person very close to me
told me a story of a family friend
who once lived under a bridge for 5 years-
not because he had to
but because he wanted to see what that kind of life was like

i can hardly imagine
a life under a bridge could be terribly comfortable
but that didn't see to be the point

a life chosen under a bridge for 5 years
must have aroused some sense of happiness

5 years
is a long time-

and at age 25
5 years is
a very long time

but i told my landlord anyway-
"i never want to be married again"

to which he scoffed
and said
"you're young enough for things to change"

>>><<<

he left me with a stack of mail from the old apartment
bills,
more bills

expensive bills, old bills

i owe a lot of people
a lot of money

last week i mailed out the first check
in a long line of soon to be sent out payments
that will e v e n t u a l l y
deconstruct the wall of debt
i have built for myself
that will inevitably
unlock the remainder of my life

this time-
unlike the others
i step foot first alone on my path

it instigates in me a sense of control
and
the more control i assume
the more will power i receive

it feels good
it feels right
it feels right to appreciate myself
and demand appreciation for myself
for once

****

i am closing the doors
and soon it will be a permanent one

then what?

if i am still young enough for things to change
then that gives me much hope

and i will have the correct life, then
for my datr and myself

we're in it together
and soon she will be all i have
and it is good

***
Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the agèd eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is
nothing again

Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessèd face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice

And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care Teach us to sit still.

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

((part 1, ash wednesday, t.s. eliot))

and....

i took off my bandage from the blood tests,
and it looks like i have track marks.

and some serious bruising.

thanks, lab tech.

OH AND

so i went to the same center two years ago after i had mabyl because i have hip pain
and they ran a bunch of tests on me then.
when i went in for my initial visit last week the nurse says
"So what have you been doing about your cholesterol?"
and i didn't know what she was talking about

EVIDENTLY

two years ago my cholesterol was 221.

yeah-
221

and i was 23.

so this quack doctor decides NOT to tell me about my crazy high cholesterol
and i have to find out about it 2 years later.

i mean,
wtf??

i'm outraged.

yay, blood

so i finally went to the doctor because i just can't stand whatever this crazy condition is i have anymore-
or really, just for some answers.
the initial quick blood tests reported low blood sugar AND low hemoglobin-
so i went back today for more blood work, and tried my damndest not to vomit when she took the four viles out of my right arm.
so now i wait.

they put me on iron pills that include the following warnings:
1. do not take within 3 hours of eating eggs, milk, milk products, whole grains, cereal, coffee, tea, or antacids
2. do not lay down for 30 minutes after taking this medication. (why?)
3. side effects include nausea, upset stomach, constipation, diarrhea, green stools, change in colour of urine (fun!!)

i hate iron pills.

and i miss drinking coffee as much as i want.

so but here is my question-
i have decided that since i am O-negative, it is my responsibility to donate blood.
do they take your blood if you are anemic or hypoglycemic, or a hybrid (like me, probably)?

anyone?

you lose, i lose

i want you to be excited about it too

and maybe it's just that kind of estranged calm

but it feels like a fucking shield

and you feel less like you did

oh my god, BREAKFAST!! and also: whats on my van...

so i made myself a DELICIOUS and HEALTHY breakfast. I have gotten myself on a serious health kick (beer drinking aside); it's all a part of my "new leaf" and new life and list of priorities that i am erecting. making lifestyle changes and what not.

anyway, breakfast was so good i decided to share the recipe. so here it is:

i call it: um, (hadn't really thought of a name) omelette of mystery (or something. whats in a name?)

you need:
2 egg whites
3 slices of turkey breast cubed
1/4 cup crumbled vegetarian sausage
a little bit of cream cheese
salsa verde (as much as you want, i wanted a LOT)
black pepper
1 slice of hemp bread (it's part of my hippie diet)

ok so

heat your pan on medium
pour in the whites and let them cook so they become opaque
add your protein
add your cream cheese (i just sort of applied a dab of it here and there- didn't use a whole lot, just a little)
shake your pepper on it
let it cook until the whites are stable enough to fold in half (this is the omelette danger zone people)
add the salsa over the top- use some of the juice to let it simmer in (i let this go on about 3 minutes)
remove the omelette from the pan
toss the hemp bread in the pan and toast on either side
eat

oooooooh it is soooooo good.

i should have snapped a pic but i wasn't thinking about it
if you try it, let me know what you think

*****

i DID snap some pics of what my regulars wrote on my van (as per previous post)







i love it!!

x-static

i only bartend on occasion these days
sure, it hurts the old purse a little
but even though i still mingle with the regulars as often as they come in
it is very nice and nostalgic to serve them
the dynamics of our relationships- the whole web of it- has evolved so nicely over the past year

anyway
"bronco" brought in some window paint
and wrote me some notes on the beer glasses



this one is a smiley face



this one says "hi mandy"


and then he wrote on a bathroom mirror (which irked the owner)

later i found writing all over my vanagon

onlookers seemed a bit surprised i wasn't angry
i wasn't
i was quite pleased

****

it is nice to feel appreciated

.s.e.a. change

"Pauline thought love was simple, turn it on and turn it off...

this is my newest trait, born out of instinct and cunning
i desire
i throttle and consume
and before the dust has settled
i'm already gone

***

each day brings a fresh view on my varietals of woman
and my sly stretches over me like a film
and is involuntary

***

i can't help what my heart decides
my heart leads me
it chooses for itself
all i can do is watch
and follow

***

do not walk behind me, i may not lead

***

it is funny
how one moment
you are more excited,
infatuated
exhausted from anticipation
then
the next moment
you find a distance
growing comfortably
willingly
you lay down the dirt road
extending yourself much farther
much faster each time

***

at least i am protecting myself

***

I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home


***

i think i am a little mad at myself
no one else
it is what it is
and soemthing just isn't right

***

just isn't right.

my 3 colours

really there are only three colours in the whole world i feel completely at ease wearing.

so i looked them up to see what they say about me

here you go:



People who prefer brown are often conventional and orderly. The negative meaning of brown can be a repressed personality or a lazy person. Brown is the color of the earth and is associated with the material side of life.

Brown Energy
Brown can mix into many surroundings. It is a mixture of red, blue and yellow and has many shades and tones - each producing a different effect. Brown can be a stabilizing color. The red in brown gives it practical energy while the yellow and blue add mental focus energies. Too much brown can make a dull effect. Brown gives a feeling of solidity, and allows one to stay in the background, unnoticed.

Some shades of brown create a warm, comfortable feeling of wholesomeness, naturalness and dependability.

from www.crystal-cure.com



Gray is the color of sorrow. People who favor gray can be the lone wolf type or narrow-minded. Gray with more silver in it can be a very active color.

Native Americans associate gray with friendship. Gray is the symbol for security, maturity and dependability. It connotes responsibility and conservative practicality.

Gray Energy
Gray is the true neutral color. Its energy imparts void, emptiness, lack of movement, emotion, warmth and identifying characteristics. Because of this, gray can be restful. It has a detached and isolated feeling. Gray can have a cooling effect when placed next to other more vibrant colors. It has a stabilizing effect, making vibrant colors stand out while muting their vibration.

from www.crystal-cure.com




Black is the most misunderstood color. A black tie dinner is very formal and elegant. Women can wear that "must have little black dress" to the black tie dinner. Yet the bad guys wear black hats. Black symbolizes death in some cultures. Native Americans thought black was good because it was the color of soil, which gives life. Saturday's color is black.

Black Energy
Black is not a color, strictly speaking. It is the absence of all color. When people speak of opposites, it is usually in terms of black and white. Black, and its opposite white, represent polarities. Black absorbs all aspects of light. While white reveals, black conceals. It has come to mean hidden, fearful or bad experience. It is linked to the unknown or the unseen.

In times of fear and uncertainty black contains the energy of the threatening unknown. In a positive state, black is seen as a restful emptiness into which anything may emerge and disappear once again. It is also mysterious, providing a sense of potential and possibility.

you guessed it: from crystal-cure.com


....

so, i'm definitely not conventional, or all too orderly....
i don't know that i'm so much a lone-wolf, but i prefer to be alone, and i like being lonely
i like that about black being seen as restful emptiness
it gives meaning to something that has been thought of as nothing

i guess i wear these colors because, most of the time, i have no wish to stand out
i have no desire to be noticed by many people
only a very select few
do i spend my time on

i suppose this all comes from my fantasy of being invisible
because i believe
if i tried hard enough.....





what are your 3 colours?

imposters in this country

i want to ride thru the desert
again
my back to the wind
bellowing and blowing me over the sand mountains
same colour as the sky type

with this lock on my heart
i sink like a safe
in a thousand gallon tank
i hit the glass bottom
and wait

where are you
ma puce
where have you gone
where i can't hear you
you need to get up
we need to run
before the sun runs out on us

fast as your feet can
hop into my van
i'll drive towards the sun tonight
you won't waste a minute
to stare at my lips
we'll just go
fuck all this
let's go

it's crazy but i just can't pretend
you're like a song that is stuck in my head
don't go now
don't disappear
it's so easy for me
and i like it here
don't go now
dear

****
and then we made our way
up in the valley
i webbed a spiders wish of gold mouth-full of kiss
on the yew roots and
under your hand
we always have to meet again

you promise me you won't cause a scene
it's nothing new but you're new to me
i don't want a love song a sonnet
or prose
we'll just walk together
and see how it goes....

too much, too soon

interesting what you said just now

now i feel as if i have something to think about

other than i have no idea what in the hell im doing

and my equalizer wont stabalize

if you have any suggestions shout them out

all i know i a faucet somewhere has been shut off

i am listening for the drips

but they just wont echo

hmmm....

everything is interesting again
and i am thinking again
and i am also
calming down

and i learned tonight what the line is
and where
tonight i was able to perceive it
hold it in my thoughts
in the present
thru the duration

i understand the need for a seperation

it's been saturating
without any good time
just moments
that begin to lose their magic
because a moment should be fleeting
not repetitious

words start to lose a little meaning

i am thinking
"already?"

and i hope it is just me

so we'll see
what happens tomorrow
more importantly
what happens
the next day

and if i really will stay...

***

i just don't know

the blood constellation

that we made

will stay above you

as you sleep

and dream of me

con-junction-junction

yesterday
i thought to myself

"i really torched everything"

as i looked at the linoleum
with bits of a previous life
scattered and pasted on like a collage
still sticky with despair
and rock candy hard

i will have to use a power sander if i ever want them up

and whimsically enough
the old apartment kept playing in my head

this is where we used to live


luckily there was a bottle of wine in the fridge

****

i feel like an arsonist

and maybe it is my condition
it is a pattern

and everybody's free to wear sunscreen tells us

don't be reckless with other peoples hearts and
don't put up with those who are reckless with yours

it's not that i meant to be reckless
it's not that i meant to burn it all down,
but i did
and i do
and i will again

i fall
soooo
sooo
soo
so
d
a
m
ne
dhard


i can't stop myself
i never want to
and sooner than you know it
i'm craving the lonely
all over again

and it is good to be lonely

but i am a bit afraid of myself now
because
i am in sheep's clothing

****

i don't play games
i never do

it's like a fever
my black snake moan

i need you in every pore
i need you filling up all my lungs
i need you to pull my freaking hair

but

heh

buyer beware....

****
these things used to be mine, i guess they still are i want them back


****


get on

the beginning

well, hello

i've missed you all

i haven't been away

see?






much has changed.
so it goes.


be right back....

blown of mind

these past few weeks have found me in a fairly neglective state-
from my blog to just about anything else in my life

and i have come to conclusions and realizations
that
at this point
wind farther from me
that i cannot grasp
what lies ahead

***

i was in california
and still
i could not breech the boundary of where my mind
and the rest of the world meet

***

so what do you do when your only reserve
are the thoughts that rip up the patchwork of your life
and in bare feet
wander the outback looking for gods and voices
and anyone who will agree
with you...

***

i follow
for some inexplicable why for
without permission
i go
i follow because i have no where else now
to turn

and my choices
become mine
and not mine

***

so it goes

on fairness

this is what:

i am told often by my employees that of all the managers available i am their favourite.

sucking up?

maybe.

even logical, really.

but i find: i don't have to yell, i don't have to ask- when i am on shift the people working with me do what is necessary, and without complaint.

today i wrote a list of shift duties to be completed, things such as:

wiping down the window ledges, and

detailing chairs and granite bar tops,

as well as

the distugusting chore of cleaning out the bus tubs.

i also mentioned that i was more than happy to work with them in completing these tasks, and

before i could even grab a towel

all the jobs were finished and a note was written on the cleaning list that read

"we are happy to work wtih you too, mandy."

i must say

i was impressed, and beyond pleased with the results and quickness with wich they were tackeled.

so in this arena

i have decided that i am a human-type person.

that, even when i show minimal signs of anger at that which is lacking within my staff

these people feel bad- which is weird-

because for them, maybe,

this restaurant is JUST a job.

but i feel that because i am able to treat them with dignity,

respect,

humility,

and caring

my authority is taken naturally

and i truly believe

these people who work there

care for me

and THAT is why

these things just simply get done.

because i am fair

and firm

and kind

and even.

and i adore them for it.

i think they may know...

in short, i get several hugs from my staff-

EVEN when i have to raise my voice-

not quite an octave

just enough for them to know

i am serious

and that i truly care

about what they have to say-

with me

their opinion counts.

i listen

and i respond.

and all is well.



****



in other news...



i need to be fair to the other people in my life.

the two that revolve around me

as i revolve around them.

especially

that angel little girl

with that sweet voice

and bowlegs.

the chimer

at 8 a.m. i wake to

"mommy? a-up!

mommy! a-up! a-up!"

it is a pleasure

a priviledge.

my cohort in her creation

is holding me at emotional hostage- well

maybe we both are a little...

but in my honesty

and in my clarity

and in all the painful catacombs that lie within the truth

there is harm done- yes, but

at this point

we have only to be rational.

i know that what was in me three years ago

has faded,

along with those "full-of-life" whims and

what else

that made me desirable, once.

and i loved him then,

and now, still, but

different somehow,

and not the same.

and i said before that i was fair, so fair

it shall remain.

i cannot continue this path-

the momraths are sweeping it away-

i have wandered too far

in this darkened part of my heart

and, love

our love decays...



*****

what you need to know is

i have tried to renew that vitalistic

BOOM

but

it just doens't come.

it breaks me to set you free,

but you see

we are both part of this pangea dream

and soul-linked, sure

and tied with these chains that pull us all too far

under the waves

and further from that

angel little girl.



fair is fair

and here it is,

no list and

no please

and no begging

forgive me.



i am impetuous and

reckless, yes.

but i don't wish it upon your heart anymore.

****



"damnit, maxx.

can't you see i'm doing this for you..."

***



if goodbye never came

we would stand forever

on the grey salt flats,

or in the red sands of Yuma,

where voices and cries

no longer echo...



i'm so sorry love...

but



this is goodbye.

run out

i am so exhausted
i think i am getting a sinus infection
i need a nap but
theres things to do

so much is changed
my life is so different now than what i thought it would be

so it goes

R.I.P. Don LaFontaine

Quite sad. Hard to imagine you'll never hear this voice again...



damn.

.p.e.o.p.l.e.

ok...

i want to know who broke into the restaurant
and gave my entire staff a lobotomy
when i wasn't looking.

if there was some sort of awards ceremony
for "dumbest questions ever asked,
at any time, in the history of the planet"
MY staff would be disqualified from the running
due not only to the amount and veracity
at which said questions (and comments) were fired,
but also because of the sheer magnitude of extraordinary stupidity required
to dream up statements that idiotic.

they would win every single award, in every single category
except for possibly lighting
because it takes EVERY one of my employees
to screw in a light bulb.

new teeth

yesterday i got to visit the dentist
he was very nice, and sedated me before i had to have some super fun drilling done in my mouth



it took me all day to recover
but my teeth are prettier than ever

i wish i had

a giraffe with the a neck so long it went thru the clouds to the moon
because i would sit on it's head
and fish for meteors

what would i eat?

starflys and atmosphere

i wouldn't cry
because my tears would freeze
and fall like comets
on the earth

and the sky would be empty, then
for miles

my giraffe would fall without the ground
and i would be alone on the moon

who would hear me if i yelled to go home?

a passerby asteroid?
a spaceship?


an alien hand waves
says,
"goin my way?"

he would offer me shipwrecks and trees
butterscotch and socks
a teal sea
a book to read
vivaldi
os swiss cheese

or all the things that humans loved
to see new things
and different worlds

to speak in all the exotic tongues of gods,
but i would stay
with the moon

somedays
i would wonder weather
i should have left
with the martian

somedays i would try to think
of everything i knew about russia

i would begin to forget the names
of cities, and plays, and friends
i made

and my heart would slow
the sun comes
and goes

and my breath would dry
and stick on my mouth
and in my nose

sun come
sun go

i think last
of you
here
the last kiss breath
on my ear
in the night
by my car
when the air cooled
in the wind
under moon
over me
under you
i think last

of this...


goodnight, moon

yesterday::: day from hell

or mostly just long.

but i spent most of my day at work running interference...
now
here i have to be very careful what i say because
since this blog is linked thru my profile to my work blog (which needs more than a little t.l.c.)
i never know who might be checking this out
so if you can crack the code below
there is a secret message detailing what my true feelings about yesterday are:::

q vaeh ocem yo nleqlel leltioal q socx sodf lg z ocepote eogen
ahtt dhl oeelodgve iq lg ey mndlrm gdzff lg elgg hnat tfell
q mznd lvln nluen yo describe
dhl eoutzlnl q ozem fcem sodf

nzsdzrws.


****

then i got pulled over because my van is loud
nothing happened but
i still got pulled over
and i thought to myself

"its an 85 vanagon
is it SUPPOSED to be quiet?"

le sigh....

so tired
and in a funk too

malaise, perhaps

i'm exanimate yet again

edible flowers

this is a randomly occurring thought to me
but on the night of New Years Eve (2007)
i threw a party, wherein i cooked a .r.i.d.i.c.u.l.o.u.s.
amount of food-

one of my offerings were edible flowers
(naturally i didn't cook these, i purchased a pack from wild oats)

they looked a little like this:



i was the most difficult thing trying to coerce my friends into tasting them

i found them a bit chewy
and tasting heavily of flowers

...

have you ever tried edible flowers?
i really, really want to know

3 years tomorrow

this is us. we are derrick and mandy.tomorrow is our 3 year wedding anniversary.



we like to party. serious.




sometimes we make faces. like this.



sometimes like this.



i know what your thinking. we look like brad and angelina. well, thats true.



marriage is hard to do. it's full of compromise, sacrifices, mistakes and madness.

but, when all else fails...

you can always do the fraggle.