anyone have a small violin?

so my back is not better:: in FACT
it feels worse
like my vertebrae are crackling
i couldn't believe how much pain i was in today at work- i tried SO hard to keep it together
but after a certain point i just broke down crying
this went on for at least an hour
so i tried to stay away from customers and just do office work
but everyone could see it in my face-
that and i continue to limp.
i will be following up with that doc the e.r. physician referred me to
but i have a bad feeling he wont believe me
its funny-
you get a couple tattoos and suddenly everyone thinks you're a drug addict.
i know i know-
i kind of knew that going in and
its not like i have a tattoo on my FACE
but FUCK.
the pain is breathtaking- and the spasms haven't quite quit.
and the best way i can describe it is feeling as if someone is perpetually
swinging a baseball bat into the small of my back.

on top of this
i got VIOLENTLY sick on thursday
"vomiting with a vengeance", really
****

i hate throwing up-
i am genuinely SCARED of throwing up, which is weird i know
and i woke up fine on thursday
but as the day elapsed my stomach turned itself into a knot
and it wasn't just my belly that purged
it was my entire body
i have never felt anything like that before

a few hours after i started feeling a little better-
Wn was mega-sweet and got me some popsicles
which are the ONLY thing i can stomach after i vomit

but the next day (friday)
i barely ate anything
maybe four bites of breakfast- they didn't feel too good
some easy mac- which i finished but the taste was abhorrent
i had some greek yogurt which i needed desperately for the old g.i. tract
some noodle soup later as filler
and for some reason pizza, which i am STILL tasting
and
that can't be good

later that night i drank not EVEN 3 sips of wine
it tasted HORRIBLE
and made my stomach CHURN

then today-
going on not much sleep anyway-
back all a-fucked
i had maybe a 3rd of a mocha i attempted to treat myself with
a muffin- which went down decently- but
that was it
i have not eaten anything else
mostly because i don't feel like i could keep it in me
and for some reason
i feel extremely full
like i don't have any room in my belly- even for liquid
and the only thing that even tastes right is water

on a brighter side i have only smoked maybe 4 cigarettes in the past few days
i just can't handle the flavour
i feel like i really want some alka-seltzer

***

so now if you know all this and you know how important it is for me to eat
(considering the hemoglobin/blood sugar issues)
then you know i am EXTRA f-ed up because i haven't been eating so
i am totally out of my head
and while i am supposed to take my mega-huge heavy iron pills on an empty stomach
i can't because they give me the worst cramps
and while they truly make me feel better
i couldn't handle the extra pain

so....

bleh.

yeh, i'm having a bit of a pity-party for myself.

i need hugs.