evidently i have an enemy

whilst working this afternoon, a phone call came in from a woman who asked to speak to:

(ahem)

"...that stupid, slut-bag mandy."

my bartender approached me, perplexed, holding the phone to his chest and said

"someone on the phone isn't very happy with you."

i never found out forsure who it was since they hung up almost immediately.

***

damn.

i guess not everyone in the world thinks i'm as awesome as i do.

i will try not to get on prozac over this...

i have a new goal

i saw a picture of jessica biel on msn the other day, wearing a really great gold bikini. i decided i want to wear a bikini that looks like that.

part of my problem with my back injury right now is that i'm not allowed to exercise- this couldn't have come at a worse time
because
i had finally turned that corner
where eating right
and exercising were becoming enjoyable
as if it was something i could really WANT to incorporate into my daily life
so,
you know-
i was looking forward to getting myself together.

now i have to wait for the pain to be completely gone-
and its winter
so i'm going crazy now trying to combat the pounds and ounces by continuing to eat well along with my new hobby:::

MALLWALKING
((or hobbling, really, since stepping still shoots pain up my spine if i do it too hard))

i'm going to get a monogrammed fanny pack and a matching visor. a pair of white reeboks will complete the ensemble.

hey if i'm going to do it i may as well do it, yes?

so anyway- what does this have to do with jessica biel?
nothing- except i liked her bikini. and jessica biel has an amazing body. and I want to look amazing
in jessica biel's bikini
covered in mud
because
one day
maybe 40 years from now
i want my daughter to come across a picture of me
at 26
in a bikini
covered in mud
from a summer day at east fork with dogs and friends
and i want her to show all her friends this picture and say

"Yeh, look how HOT my mom was"

***

then i want to join the peace corps.

what happiness?

i have changed my attitude
i fell asleep last night feeling pissy and generally out of sorts
i awoke feeling much the same

and then i decided around 10 am

fuck it

i'm just going to be cool
and sweet
and nice
and loving
and friendly

and you know what?

i feel better.

and i'm ok with things again

fuck it

i'm happy

i'm not mad i'm... something else

i feel tired. i feel patient and impatient.

***

it is raining.
this is fine, except my windshield wipers stopped working a few months ago.
i rain-x'ed the beejesus out of my van, however
it doesn't help that much.

***

every morning- well,
sometimes
some mornings
when i wake up
you think i am mad.

well,
i can't be a supernova all the time.

last night, venus and jupiter aligned-
and
you were right (you are right)
it was special (it is)

that doesn't mean
i can't be quiet about it

i can't try to forget
the wet black highway
and us hydroplaning
leaving soggy treadmarks
on the freeway
i stared at my hands
because i was scared....

NOT because i was mad-
i am NOT mad
i am something else entirely

***

so, what?
(can YOU hear it? i can)

WwOoMmAaNn!!
WwHhAaTt IiSs TtHhEe PpRrOoBbLlEeMm??

me: huh?

heh.

it's not that there is something to tell,
there is nothing to tell
nothing of any value
not really-
my head, my heart
all wells
i'm just... out there
right now
and maybe feeling
a little ignored
so
i went to bed
and it was
AAAAAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so


nice,

and now with the door closed
i get my space.

.s.e.a. change

"Pauline thought love was simple, turn it on and turn it off...

this is my newest trait, born out of instinct and cunning
i desire
i throttle and consume
and before the dust has settled
i'm already gone

***

each day brings a fresh view on my varietals of woman
and my sly stretches over me like a film
and is involuntary

***

i can't help what my heart decides
my heart leads me
it chooses for itself
all i can do is watch
and follow

***

do not walk behind me, i may not lead

***

it is funny
how one moment
you are more excited,
infatuated
exhausted from anticipation
then
the next moment
you find a distance
growing comfortably
willingly
you lay down the dirt road
extending yourself much farther
much faster each time

***

at least i am protecting myself

***

I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home


***

i think i am a little mad at myself
no one else
it is what it is
and soemthing just isn't right

***

just isn't right.

week in review

this is what i have learned this week:

1. I like to party. My kidneys hurt. Wish I was joking.
2. Fleas are difficult to get rid of. A stray cat whom we allow in our home on occassion brought epic amounts of fleas in with her. First it was just an odd one here and there, but by mid-week we were .i.n.f.e.s.t.e.d.
And not only that, but were displaced from out home for many days, and stayed with my mother. If any of you remember last years posts (of COURSE you do) then you recall how famously the last stint at my mothers house went.
After fruitless attempts at bombing and spraying the house, we thought our only hope was to call an exterminator until someone reccommended THIS amazing product:



worked like a freaking CHARM. Coupled with OCD stylee vacuuming, and a MASSIVE house cleaning ( I mean- it is UNREAL how clean our house is. the carpets look freaking NEW) we are flealess and home again.

Sorry, mom. I love you, but we just aren't meant to live together.

So... you know. Buy Borax.

3. My VAN is a total woman. You have to finess her to get her to accelerate...

4. My aura is uncontrollable. It affects anyone around me. My aura will reach out and wrap its sinewy fingers around your throat until you are drawn close and then finally consumed.

I took this quiz and got these results:

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

it's true. my grandmother called it "the shining"

5. I am a creature of routine. And being displaced made me burst into tears every five minutes. I love my peaceful lifestyle, my early morning walks, my daughter throwing rocks in the river, my pilates, the coffee at main cup, and a slow ride in LUX.

6. Angie is really leaving. All the summer is almost gone. And next week, so will she...

7. I liked it. It made me nervous but I like it. I can't stop thinking about it.


how could you ever stop thinking about it?

a friend said....

"in your email
you told me you have been avoiding and
ignoring me on purpose...
really?
why?"

and i felt stuttery, put on the spot.

i should have had a better answer, a more calculated answer.

i gave her a lot of mumble.

then i gave her the correct answer,
which was

"I am really self-absorbed"

she scoffed, and told me that didn't sound right
because,
it seems laffable to her
i could be so self-absorbed
it would cause me to abandon a friendship.

well,

sadly (?)

no.

it is so difficult for me to maintain friendships.
not because of a lack of interest, mostly.

i'm not sure why.

i could go into reasons, but then,
i would give away all my secrets.

...

i love disappearing.

...

big blue lake
boat
barefoot

in the fog

with the yew and
poplars

we lost our last oar
somewhere
on the shore

you
and i

our laffs fading
into the breeze

my hair tips rest
on my knees

we can't see
for miles
in this fog

just you
just me

sixty degree
something

big blue lake
boat
and
barefeet

everything all the time

i just can't reconcile awful people any longer.

i merely wish to maintain anonymity especially where i spend most of my time.

and as for you, 1003-02,

i'm too tired to pay attention.

choisissez

...

what can i say?

i was young, once.

i always followed my heart and i believed i was being true to myself, and now....

now i did a bad, bad thing.

and i have so much weight on me.

and i have to be standpatter.

and i have to play the woman, with tough feet and hands, and i

can't look west,

even for a minute. i remember

how you left me

and in that moment i could

disappear...

but i'm here.

i'll be right here....