evidently i have an enemy

whilst working this afternoon, a phone call came in from a woman who asked to speak to:

(ahem)

"...that stupid, slut-bag mandy."

my bartender approached me, perplexed, holding the phone to his chest and said

"someone on the phone isn't very happy with you."

i never found out forsure who it was since they hung up almost immediately.

***

damn.

i guess not everyone in the world thinks i'm as awesome as i do.

i will try not to get on prozac over this...

no, arnold! it isn't worth it!

last night i dreamt arnold schwarzenegger broke into my house and shot me in the head.




i didn't die right away, instead i was asked questions like:

"do you feel dizzy?"

-- yes

"are you having trouble completing sentences?"

--yes

ultimately, no one called an ambulance- everyone laffed at me and said my head wound wasn't that serious.

****

anyone??

...so i did it again

1. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
honestly, i don't wear underwear. i don't know how this started, becasue i used to own a lot of pairs.

2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
smoking a cigarette, but i am trying to hold off. it's my last one, and i don't want to drive to the store.

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
well, blogging, i guess. taking surveys because they put me in a good mood. i have been in a pretty bad mood all day.

4. Honestly, what did you do today?
i slept a lot. i played with my datr. i made some fires. meh.

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
i don't know, this is a weird question for me. i think my face is pretty. i think i have a good personality. i'm a bit overweight and that bothers me. i don't know.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
um.... i wasn't very nice to some people. i wouldn't say thats bad necessarily.

7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
honestly, i watch disney on demand because my datr likes the mickey mouse clubhouse. if you can tell me how to avoid getting sucked into a kids tv show, tell me how. she will even lose interest before i will. she'll run into the next room, and i'm still sitting there going, "Use the mystery mouse-ka-tool, Mickey! It's the only way you'll make it up Mistletoe Mountain!!"

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
no, i don't get jealous easily. it really takes a lot.

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
the feeling of moving forward in my life.

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
very seldom. i used to a lot more, but it makes your nails look fucked up. i have grown to hate that chewy look.


11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
improving. and i think it has something to do with the painkillers and the fact there is NO NOISE in the house right now.

12.Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
no way. i have to eat regularly or i get really sick, and i have a crazy phobia of vomiting. its called emetophobia.

13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
i do, but it's not going to happen, so you know- i get over it.

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
kind of, yeh, i do.

16. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
i try not to hate. i hate things- you know- i hate that crazy m.i.a. song about... paper planes? is that what they're talking about? it sound like cash registers and guns. i hate the word booklet. i don't know why. it just is kind of a dumb word to me. i hate crazy busy bars like MLT. it isn't so much the bar as it is the crowd, and it is impossible to order a drink.

17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
a big marshmallow. doesn't that sound like fun? i guess i would also like to hug a panda if i knew it wouldn't bite me.

18. Honestly, are you loyal?
i am. until that loyalty is abused.

19. Honestly, are you in denial?
no, i'm just ignoring certain things.

20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
well, maybe. but my back hurts pretty bad so i don't think i would enjoy it all that much.

21. Honestly, who is your best friend?
her name is angie. and i miss her.

22. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol?
oh, it is to laff...

23. Honestly, do you like someone?
honestly, very much.

24. Honestly, does anyone like you?
well, shit i sure hope so. otherwise i would feel pretty lame.

25. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
i think so. right now it's all about taking my time, so i'm not trying to see too far ahead. i think we both just enjoy each others company.

26. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
absolutely.

these always put me in a better mood

1) Who is the last person you high-fived?
i think it was Wn because we were complimented on the ultimate 80's-ness of it

2) If you were drafted into a war, would you serve?
i think honestly, no... at least not for THIS administration

3) Do you sleep with the tv on?
no thats completely impossible for me

4) Have you ever wheezed the juice?
what? how exactly does one do this? is this question asking me if i have ever drank boo juice?

5) Have you ever won a spelling bee?
i got really close one time and took third. it got me a picture in the parish circular. i think i was holding a beanie baby next to my head in the photo.

6) Have you ever been stung by a bee?
yes- and i almost died!!

7) How fast can you type?
pretty fast. i'm kind of awesome at typing.

8) Are you afraid of the dark?
only after i watch 28 days or 28 weeks later. i am afraid of zombies, or people who have the rage virus.

9) What color are your socks?
which pair? i am wearing two pairs because i am cold.

10) Have you ever made out at a drive-in?
if i did it was with my boyfriend matt junior year. he was a dairy boy at kroger when i worked there. i don't remember why i broke up with him. all i remember is he started dating this friend of mine later on, and i think she gave him the clap.

11) When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower?
i never choose a bath. if i have a bath i have to shower thoroughly beforehand, then clean the tub, then i can take a bath. i'm not much for wallowing in filth, mine or otherwise.

12) Do you knock on wood?
isn't that bad luck?

13) Do you floss daily?
as much as possible. i feel gross if i don't floss. and i am always paranoid that i have something in my teeth.

14) Do you wanna Fanta?
oh god- those kinds of soft drinks give me crazy heartburn.

15) Can you hula hoop?
briefly, in small, sudden bursts

16) Are you good at keeping secrets?
depends on the secret, who it is about, etc. i try to remain unaffiliated, but there is at least one person who gets to hear everything i do. so you know- know that before you tell me anything.

17) What do you want for Christmas?
a tattoo, a gift card to borders. a latte in the morning would be nice.

18) Do you know the Muffin Man?
yeh, but we really havent spoke since that unfortunate incident with the Donut Dame

19) Do you talk in your sleep?
i do- and i've gotten some really weird returns on it. a guy i used to date refused to have sex with me for a week because of something i was talking about in my sleep. he never told me what it was, which i thought was a little unfair.

20) Who wrote the book of love?
i don't know but Mark Z. Danielweski should re-write it. that would just be awesome.

21) Have you ever flown a kite?
not well. i try to think of it as reverse fishing.

22) Do you wish on your fallen eyelashes?
i have before but it isn't a habit.

23) Do you whiten your teeth?
oh for hell NO! that is SO bad for you. ((says the smoker))

24) Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?
that is kind of gross.

25) Have you ever asked for a pony?
every year... sigh

26) Have you, or would you ever, donate sperm/eggs?
i would love to donate eggs, and not just because they pay you for it. ok, well maybe a lot because they pay you for it. but the idea of helping someone is nice too. i think they pay you a lot of money.

27) Can you juggle?
i really try my damndest to. inevitably, i end up hurting myself and/or others.

29) If you could enact any new law, what would it be?
everyone buys me a tattoo at least one time in their life.

30) Do the chickens have large talons?
i hope not. isn't a large talon a sure sign of genetic modification?

31) If you had only enough energy left in you for one last smile, who would you give it to?
i suppose whoever was watching me die. that's kind of creepy. and i'm not sure who i would want to watch me die, or who should be awarded the privilege. maybe i will just keep a mirror with me from now on so if i am dying i can look at myself and smile. thats a good idea.

32) Are you ready to rumble?
not really. i can't rumble anyway for the next 2-3 weeks until my ligaments get better. lame!

33) Can you count to Schfifty-Five?
i can. schwan, doo, doo and heif... hahahahahahahaha!

34) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
no but i got a lot of saturday detentions. those were the worst. i feel like the nuns enjoyed it, however.

35) How do you spell relief?
glass of wine, cigarette. g-l-a-s-s o-f w-i-n-e, c-i-g-a-r-e-t-t-e. like that.

36) Have you ever crawled through a window?
yes i have. sometimes just for the hell of it.

37) Have you ever eaten dog food?
yeh, when i was a kid i tried it. i remember liking it. but my grandfather saw me and yelled at me, so i stopped. it was just the once.

38) Can you handle the truth?
i don't know. the truth can be very painful. i like to dart around the truth a little bit sometimes. it's a bad habit i know, but i like to live in denial as much as possible.

39) Do you like green eggs and ham?
wouldn't they taste the same as ordinary green eggs and ham? all you do is add green dye right? unless they were spoiled, and in that case legitimately green. but why would you serve something like that?

40) Who is your daddy? and what does he do?
wow, he is a news reporter, and to my knowledge has never fallen from a platform while stomping grapes.

letter to sam

it is 4 am
i have to be back at work at 830 am
instead of napping i wrote this letter to sam
enjoy

***

i saw radiohead came out with a new disc, but i didn't pick it up.
i hung on to radiohead strong thru kid a, but purchased amnesiac by default, and almost as an afterthought.
i loved amnesiac, i played it quite often, but something changed.
i got mad at a friend once, because he hated kid a (his last stop) and remarked:
"radiohead is playing you like a fiddle"
i rejected the idea, naturally.
but soon enough it started to sink in, so i took amnesiac skeptically.
i couldn't figure out what the difference was, but here i have it broke down:
1. pablo honey was a mess
2. the bends was a freaking rock tour de force
3. ok computer was unlike anything ever heard before- the whole cd built towards such a subtle climax you missed it the first time thru
4. kid a was dazzling and dreamy and great to sleep to. in so many ways it came off as the anti-computer. a friend of mine demanded "Why isn't Thom Yorke screaming?" (I said, "We can't all be Jeff Buckley.")
5. amnesiac was intelligent, and moves with a current. suddenly that feeling of "radiohead is playing me a concerto" changes into "radiohead wants me to follow them somewhere." and i'm sure mr. Yorke has frequented his fair share of rabbit holes.
6. hail to the thief is largely forgotten among many people. it's nearly as hard to name off as pablo honey in large circles of quasi-radiohead fans, and those who like radiohead but profess to know so much more than they really do about the band because of the neo-hipster fascination infecting our youth like the clap.
7. in rainbows: i know nothing of it. i am intrigued. it has been some time since we heard from radiohead. i am 100% certain i will possess it soon, because its radiohead and i have to.

so there you are.

mdy

p.s. (you were definitely expecting this, yes?) i read this thru before i sent it and i tummy-laffed at the line "i'm sure mr. yorke has frequented his fair share of rabbit holes!" because it sounds really, terribly LAME and i said it. of course i would, it is something i would say. HA!

and also yes, i realize fully that i am babbling, forgive me it was a long night at work and i have no one to talk to.

murder, most foul

an old friend called me from poland, so i spoke
with her today as i walked around my block (probably 20+ times)

i noticed at the far upper corner of the block by a stop sign an
enormeous ant convention was taking place

i stopped to observe them, as my friend talked, wondering what they were all so excited about

each time i passed by, i got close, becomming increasingly interested in they're activity

on a subsequent trip (maybe 6th or 7th after the initial encounter) i looked on in horror as a young boy proudly stomped on the swarm of ants, his kid brother cheering him on, and mother, oblivious(!!!!), walked ahead pushing a stroller

so as not to interrupt my friend, i stifled my mad screaming "NO!! STOP!!" and covered my agape mouth with a shaking palm

once the boy ran off, celebrating his victory with arms waving, and chanting "I'm the KING of the ANTS!", i rushed to my crouched position, assessing the damages.

the death toll was massive.

a neighbour happens along, and is concerned with me and asks "Is something the matter?"

at this point, i HAVE to excuse myself from the conversation (in which i had remained an active party) ane explained to the man about the ants, and the "veritable genocide" (verbatim) which had taken place, and that i felt very sad, because i had enjoyed watching them

he sort of stared at me, and in a kind-of unsure sincerity served with a half-smile he says, "Well, they'll come back"

and I reply "But they've lost so many"

he looks at the pile of dead, nods, and says "Yes, that's quite a bit... but, it'll be ok..."

and we make eye contact, and I say "...ok" and then "Have a good night" as he walks (quickly) away

but he said "OK!" and waved, so
I'm sure he thought I was only a little eccentric, which is better than if i were a total loon

when i returned to the phone I asked my friend, "Did you hear that?"

yes,

she said.

she had.

words

arrrrrrggghhhhh

don't fail me now, oh well, they will

i have to write a critical response, but i'm finding it terribly difficult to do so.

my argument is only half as strong as it needs to be, and today i am tired in so many ways
i just don't have any motivation to force it out. as much ground as i gain i lose in revision, and my thoughts
culminate but disappear when i begin to type, and i'm just losing my train of thought, because, really, my mind is elsewhere.

this type of writing is especially difficult for me, because i haven't wrote this way in a very long time.
i'm extremely self-indulgent in my writing, and to remain objective is undoing the ties of my sanity.



see? i'm in distress....

could be worse....

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

three.cats.joe

have i told you about three cats joe?

we worked together at an upscale tavern about 3ree years ago. he liked to tell everyone he was a retired pilot, but really he wore a little skirt and pushed a cart around-- i'm sure if he ever got into the cockpit it wasn't on upright circumstances...

he was the strangest bird...

he would spend hours with me reviewing the dressings at the salad station- pointing to one pan, asking me to establish the condiment (RANCH, jackass), and then carefully catalouging the results in his handy dressing-identifier notebook he kept close in his dressing-identifier holster that hung fashionably on his hip--

i tired of this after a few weeks, and remarked "I thought you were manager of the dressing station when you were at delta, joe"

his nickname, three-cats, came from a conversation he started with me about pets one afternoon, and i told him i had three cats and he replies "THREE CATS??!!!??!" as if three cats was some sort of outrageous number, that one cat- even two cats would have been acceptable, but THREE cats?? that was just one cat too many!

he was eventually fired due to a set of fresh hands and an underage hostess named Beth.

anyway-

this comes up because before he got the can job, he talked endlessly about an english pub he wanted to open in mariemont. and i assume that by english pub he really meant coffe kiosk. i sometimes frequent this spot of the way to class- the coffee isn't bad, and it's inexpensive.

i went thru it the first time about a year and a half ago- and when his head popped out of the drive thru window, i nearly gagged on my tongue, and his face lights up and i'm getting ready to dissolve because i know he recognizes me and i don't want to do this, but then he exclaims, "Stephanie!!"

?? wha..

and so i'm like, "Hey, Joe!!" (Holding the three-cats like a jagger-shot revival in the back of my mouth)
and he can't think of anything eles to say, so he says "Nice seeing ya!" and disappears inside.

he has no idea who i am. and he only half-believes i'm this "stephanie".

This manifested again today, when he tried asking me how my job was going, he says "Are you at home depot or Lowes?"

and i said, "Lowes"

he made a face like he didn't feel right about this information, so he asks "Hows that going?"

WITHOUT skipping a beat i say "Real well"

he nods uncomfortably and departs

and here i am writing to you about this looney old man, who has the distinction of being known to me and everyone i know as

three.
cats.
joe.


(heh)