bronchitis forever

my faith in mucinex is dwindling.

i yelled at the tv during one of their commercials:

"LIES!"

i screamed.

"ALL LIES!!"

i have a new goal

i saw a picture of jessica biel on msn the other day, wearing a really great gold bikini. i decided i want to wear a bikini that looks like that.

part of my problem with my back injury right now is that i'm not allowed to exercise- this couldn't have come at a worse time
because
i had finally turned that corner
where eating right
and exercising were becoming enjoyable
as if it was something i could really WANT to incorporate into my daily life
so,
you know-
i was looking forward to getting myself together.

now i have to wait for the pain to be completely gone-
and its winter
so i'm going crazy now trying to combat the pounds and ounces by continuing to eat well along with my new hobby:::

MALLWALKING
((or hobbling, really, since stepping still shoots pain up my spine if i do it too hard))

i'm going to get a monogrammed fanny pack and a matching visor. a pair of white reeboks will complete the ensemble.

hey if i'm going to do it i may as well do it, yes?

so anyway- what does this have to do with jessica biel?
nothing- except i liked her bikini. and jessica biel has an amazing body. and I want to look amazing
in jessica biel's bikini
covered in mud
because
one day
maybe 40 years from now
i want my daughter to come across a picture of me
at 26
in a bikini
covered in mud
from a summer day at east fork with dogs and friends
and i want her to show all her friends this picture and say

"Yeh, look how HOT my mom was"

***

then i want to join the peace corps.

my awesome news!!

so i had a follow up doc visit with whom i was referred by the e.r.
and he agreed that it is an injury to my ligaments and he had THIS to say:

"Oftentimes, soft tissue injuries can be more painful than actual damage to the bone. If you're feeling better a month from now you're on the right track."

??

a MONTH?

so i'm supposed to just chill. i'm not allowed to exercise, which SUCKS for at least 2-3 months. the pain has to be completely GONE before i can start doing anything again- and i'm still not supposed to lift, so you know
tell that to my 2yearold.


(fig1.human spine)

so i suppose we will wait and see.

gosh, i'm excited.

anyone have a small violin?

so my back is not better:: in FACT
it feels worse
like my vertebrae are crackling
i couldn't believe how much pain i was in today at work- i tried SO hard to keep it together
but after a certain point i just broke down crying
this went on for at least an hour
so i tried to stay away from customers and just do office work
but everyone could see it in my face-
that and i continue to limp.
i will be following up with that doc the e.r. physician referred me to
but i have a bad feeling he wont believe me
its funny-
you get a couple tattoos and suddenly everyone thinks you're a drug addict.
i know i know-
i kind of knew that going in and
its not like i have a tattoo on my FACE
but FUCK.
the pain is breathtaking- and the spasms haven't quite quit.
and the best way i can describe it is feeling as if someone is perpetually
swinging a baseball bat into the small of my back.

on top of this
i got VIOLENTLY sick on thursday
"vomiting with a vengeance", really
****

i hate throwing up-
i am genuinely SCARED of throwing up, which is weird i know
and i woke up fine on thursday
but as the day elapsed my stomach turned itself into a knot
and it wasn't just my belly that purged
it was my entire body
i have never felt anything like that before

a few hours after i started feeling a little better-
Wn was mega-sweet and got me some popsicles
which are the ONLY thing i can stomach after i vomit

but the next day (friday)
i barely ate anything
maybe four bites of breakfast- they didn't feel too good
some easy mac- which i finished but the taste was abhorrent
i had some greek yogurt which i needed desperately for the old g.i. tract
some noodle soup later as filler
and for some reason pizza, which i am STILL tasting
and
that can't be good

later that night i drank not EVEN 3 sips of wine
it tasted HORRIBLE
and made my stomach CHURN

then today-
going on not much sleep anyway-
back all a-fucked
i had maybe a 3rd of a mocha i attempted to treat myself with
a muffin- which went down decently- but
that was it
i have not eaten anything else
mostly because i don't feel like i could keep it in me
and for some reason
i feel extremely full
like i don't have any room in my belly- even for liquid
and the only thing that even tastes right is water

on a brighter side i have only smoked maybe 4 cigarettes in the past few days
i just can't handle the flavour
i feel like i really want some alka-seltzer

***

so now if you know all this and you know how important it is for me to eat
(considering the hemoglobin/blood sugar issues)
then you know i am EXTRA f-ed up because i haven't been eating so
i am totally out of my head
and while i am supposed to take my mega-huge heavy iron pills on an empty stomach
i can't because they give me the worst cramps
and while they truly make me feel better
i couldn't handle the extra pain

so....

bleh.

yeh, i'm having a bit of a pity-party for myself.

i need hugs.

guess what i did!!

i hyper-extended the ligaments in my spine!!

this is fantastic!

so, the awful twisting injury of doom occured on wednesday
and tonight i finally made it into the emergency room
because no one should cry
on account of sitting
(which i did. sitting shouldn't HURT)

(right?)

yeh
so i went and they took like 5 xrays
which will cost me a small fortune
and they all looked fine
so
i waited in my room for an hour for the doctor to come in
and ask me to walk around on my toes
then my heels
then i had to bark like a dog
and catch a Frisbee with my teeth
and jump thru a flaming hula-hoop
and renounce satan
THEN he says

"it appears you have yah yah yah yah yah yah yah"

and he gives me some muscle relaxers and steroids and painkillers
and we hugged and kissed each other

then i waited for another 45 minutes for nurse to give me my discharge papers---

i won't lie
i thought they forgot me so
i counted the blood stains on the floor
(14 total)
((yeh, there was this weird little trail of blood around my room and into the hallway which no one had bothered to clean up))

then some other stuff happened
now i am blogging about it and
i feel very talkative
because i am also drinking a mix of baileys and egg nog
which is great, a little, right now
but i probably won't mix the two ever again

write it down, ladies...