"because i do not hope to turn again..."

a barista a a starbucks once said to me
"i love t.s. eliot...
even tho he was a huge douche bag..."

this is after explaining about the tattoos on my forearms
which incorporate a quote from eliot's "ash wednesday"

>>><<<

so sure.
fine.

<<<>>>

everyday that passes now
leaves me feeling as if i have closed yet another door on my previous life

tonight
my ex-landlord came to visit me at the restaurant

i sat with him for a long time

he was recalling his wife of 28 years and said to me
"at this point i don't think i would ever get married again
i am too set in my ways to start over"

i remarked that he was comfortable, but he countered with
"no- i am not comfortable.
i am just happy."

and it caused me to think

happiness, without comfort

it seemed odd, and yet

a person very close to me
told me a story of a family friend
who once lived under a bridge for 5 years-
not because he had to
but because he wanted to see what that kind of life was like

i can hardly imagine
a life under a bridge could be terribly comfortable
but that didn't see to be the point

a life chosen under a bridge for 5 years
must have aroused some sense of happiness

5 years
is a long time-

and at age 25
5 years is
a very long time

but i told my landlord anyway-
"i never want to be married again"

to which he scoffed
and said
"you're young enough for things to change"

>>><<<

he left me with a stack of mail from the old apartment
bills,
more bills

expensive bills, old bills

i owe a lot of people
a lot of money

last week i mailed out the first check
in a long line of soon to be sent out payments
that will e v e n t u a l l y
deconstruct the wall of debt
i have built for myself
that will inevitably
unlock the remainder of my life

this time-
unlike the others
i step foot first alone on my path

it instigates in me a sense of control
and
the more control i assume
the more will power i receive

it feels good
it feels right
it feels right to appreciate myself
and demand appreciation for myself
for once

****

i am closing the doors
and soon it will be a permanent one

then what?

if i am still young enough for things to change
then that gives me much hope

and i will have the correct life, then
for my datr and myself

we're in it together
and soon she will be all i have
and it is good

***
Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the agèd eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is
nothing again

Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessèd face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice

And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care Teach us to sit still.

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

((part 1, ash wednesday, t.s. eliot))