7 days (week in review)

...but it starts with last sunday.
sadly, i am discovering the help offered was a smoke in mirrors bit, and i'm no less alone than previously. which is fine. i've often said i enjoy loneliness.
i do.

here are my lessons on the week:

1. my tragic flaw is love
... and because i have always felt cheated on love, i have sought it so incorrectly. i knew this. i have cut away many people now. and those who cannot be cut are not welcomed with my soul. they remain a safer distance that continues to etch its borders far from me.
unfortunately, they begin to pick up on this, THUS:

2. mom, i am unmoved
... i am frustrated so deeply, although- by now- i ought to be used to this behaviour. you SAY, and you SAY- but you DON'T. you make all of this valid. you were the first. your choice to go is my foundation. i should have known you meant what you said only as a nicety. i suppose all eyes were on you when my marriage imploded, and i am sure there was a type of "rescuers excitement" that ensued- now i wish you would have left me alone. i guess what i really mean is i wish now you had never come back. so when you cry and complain- when you storm away, angry with me over some mundane, menial, unreasonable thing i will say, "mom, i am unmoved."
a year ago, i wrote this for you.

3. xmas... getting... decent
... i have HATED christmas, i mean DEEPLY hated christmas since i was 14. nearly twelve years later, i find that- it's true- a child makes all the difference. i bought her a giant, animatronic, interactive triceratops. i think i want one for myself...


4. and yet, xmas sickness streak returns
...it was and is uncanny that every christmas i come down with a mega-sickness that essentially revokes my membership card to society. this year i have been enjoying an unholy combo of sinus infection, bronchitis and strep throat. just as good as it sounds.

5. telling you what
... i am not the snappy type. i truly despise confrontation. i sugar-coat; as well i beat around the bush. i have also decided these aren't characteristics which help me evolve in my womanhood. so, i have decided to let you know when you cross a line. i'm getting better at it- i am still uncomfortable with it, but i am starting to like it.

6. ay, dollars
...i finally made my set list of goals. someone very close to me mused, "...but you always talk about how it is so easy for you to disappear; how much you just want to get in your car and go... this seems completely contradictory."
well, yeh, it is. however and again: a child makes all the difference. i cannot be feral. and yes, this creates a pain in my soul, but for her, all pain is tolerable; and whats more is, i can withstand all things for her, without reservation.

you WILL understand.

that being said, i am paying down my debts and fixing my credit while slowly accumulating NEW monthly payments and MORE debt, which i believe i can totally handle, providing i can somehow get hold of my credit score and stick to my budget.

then i will buy a house.

7. real love
... i think it is. and i think it is the first time.

who knew?