(quickly...)
i had a dream about a group of people who were put together to build a community in a reality-show type fashion. two individuals stand out; i know their faces so well i would recognize them in a crowd. one is a young man who acts as a father to two teenage boys, but is rough and unkind with them. the other is an old man who walks with a tall wooden cane, and who gets sad when he sees the boys mistreated by their father figure. he becomes so sad that he decides to end his life, so he publicly burns himself, but the fire doesn't take quickly so he holds his smoldering hands to his face until it slowly starts to dissolve.
it disturbed me so much i decided to wake up.
thoughts???
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
12.28
(I'm dancing)
we got ourselves a freaking sweet apartment by a river and a health food store.
we can walk to these places.
....
mostly this is great because mabyl gets her own room again. she can run around the house without getting yelled at for touching things. this means family pictures back on the wall. a new shower curtain!!!!
this is the best thing ever. i hope this is the start of a good 2008. i will have to consult with my new deck :::
yeh, it's serious. it was my xmas present from derrick.
my xmas present to me is a new tattoo.
stay tuned!!
we got ourselves a freaking sweet apartment by a river and a health food store.
we can walk to these places.
....
mostly this is great because mabyl gets her own room again. she can run around the house without getting yelled at for touching things. this means family pictures back on the wall. a new shower curtain!!!!
this is the best thing ever. i hope this is the start of a good 2008. i will have to consult with my new deck :::
yeh, it's serious. it was my xmas present from derrick.
my xmas present to me is a new tattoo.
stay tuned!!
Sunday, December 23, 2007
oh, well
i sincerely detest xmas. so much, in fact, that i refuse to dignify the "holiday" by it's proper name.
so anyway...
so anyway...
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
fire by scantron
i would have imagined my professor would have said ANYTHING about a test coming up AS WELL AS a point-heavy paper that was due, seeing as i feverishly emailed her all last week while i was freakishly sick. her respone to my onslaughts was "Thanks for the update!"
NOT to mention the syllabus is almost 100% unrelaible, with no calender or chapter guide.
now i have to come up with a fantastic amount of b.s. to appease everyone-- i dont get it. i keep my head out of the clouds now more than ever at school and yet i always feel totally unprepared and am missing things-- but then when i reach out to my instructors for help they hand me cotton fluff and it gets us no where.
IM NOT READY TO GET SOME BULLSHIT BAD GRADES BECAUSE OF SOME BEAURAUCRATIC OVERSIGHT!
damnit.
i'm a straight-A kid.
im so ANGRY
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
didn't see the train that hit me
i feel awful.
ben said "your energy is non-existant"
today, too.
i have so much to do. i've put all my faith in zicam.
and i need more sleep, bleh
wow
ben said "your energy is non-existant"
today, too.
i have so much to do. i've put all my faith in zicam.
and i need more sleep, bleh
wow
Friday, December 7, 2007
you're in my head...
i wonder about my wandering toward you,
it's unstoppable-- but
not that i would want to....
a drawing
a bridge upping
a south call
to autumn's fall
where we first met...
hours is what you get,
adoration, too
i meant what i confess
and more
to you
night time
dark time
our time
our time
what little we have to share
crusts of bread
and knots in thread
and still we meet
there
night time
dark time
your time
and mine
i wait
like a wolf
wounded and
wet
and silently kept
as your post
it's unstoppable-- but
not that i would want to....
a drawing
a bridge upping
a south call
to autumn's fall
where we first met...
hours is what you get,
adoration, too
i meant what i confess
and more
to you
night time
dark time
our time
our time
what little we have to share
crusts of bread
and knots in thread
and still we meet
there
night time
dark time
your time
and mine
i wait
like a wolf
wounded and
wet
and silently kept
as your post
Thursday, December 6, 2007
be a citizen
these are the official INS questions on the citizenship exam.
it seems pretty easy, but i suppose i'm biased....
1. What are the colors of our flag?
2. How many stars are there in our flag?
3. What color are the stars on our flag?
4. What do the stars on the flag mean?
5. How many stripes are there in the flag?
6. What color are the stripes?
7. What do the stripes on the flag mean?
8. How many states are there in the Union?
9. What is the 4th of July?
10. What is the date of Independence Day?
11. Independence from whom?
12. What country did we fight during the Revolutionary War?
13. Who was the first President of the United States?
14. Who is the President of the United States today?
15. Who is the vice-president of the United States today?
16. Who elects the President of the United States?
17. Who becomes President of the United States if the President should die?
18. For how long do we elect the President?
19. What is the Constitution?
20. Can the Constitution be changed?
21. What do we call a change to the Constitution?
22. How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution?
23. How many branches are there in our government?
24. What are the three branches of our government?
25. What is the legislative branch of our government?
26. Who makes the laws in the United States?
27. What is the Congress?
28. What are the duties of Congress?
29. Who elects the Congress?
30. How many senators are there in Congress?
31. Can you name the two senators from your state?
32. For how long do we elect each senator?
33. How many representatives are there in Congress?
34. For how long do we elect the representatives?
35. What is the executive branch of our government?
36. What is the judiciary branch of our government?
37. What are the duties of the Supreme Court?
38. What is the supreme court law of the United States?
39. What is the Bill of Rights?
40. What is the capital of your state?
41. Who is the current governor of your state?
42. Who becomes President of the United States if the President and the vice-president should die?
43. Who is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court?
44. Can you name thirteen original states?
45. Who said, "Give me liberty or give me death."?
46. Which countries were our enemies during World War II?
47. What are the 49th and 50th states of the Union?
48. How many terms can the President serve?
49. Who was Martin Luther King, Jr.?
50. Who is the head of your local government?
51. According to the Constitution, a person must meet certain requirements in order to be eligible to become President. Name one of these requirements.
52. Why are there 100 Senators in the Senate?
53. Who selects the Supreme Court justice?
54. How many Supreme Court justice are there?
55. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?
56. What is the head executive of a state government called?
57. What is the head executive of a city government called?
58. What holiday was celebrated for the first time by the Americans colonists?
59. Who was the main writer of the Declaration of Independence?
60. When was the Declaration of Independence adopted?
61. What is the basic belief of the Declaration of Independence?
62. What is the national anthem of the United States?
63. Who wrote the Star-Spangled Banner?
64. Where does freedom of speech come from?
65. What is a minimum voting age in the United States?
66. Who signs bills into law?
67. What is the highest court in the United States?
68. Who was the President during the Civil War?
69. What did the Emancipation Declaration do?
70. What special group advises the President?
71. Which President is called the "Father of our country"?
72. What Immigration and Naturalization Service form is used to apply to become a naturalized citizen?
73. Who helped the Pilgrims in America?
74. What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America?
75. What are the 13 original states of the U.S. called?
76. Name 3 rights of freedom guaranteed by the Bill of Rights.
77. Who has the power to declare the war?
78. What kind of government does the United States have?
79. Which President freed the slaves?
80. In what year was the Constitution written?
81. What are the first 10 amendments to the Constitution called?
82. Name one purpose of the United Nations?
83. Where does Congress meet?
84. Whose rights are guaranteed by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights?
85. What is the introduction to the Constitution called?
86. Name one benefit of being citizen of the United States.
87. What is the most important right granted to U.S. citizens?
88. What is the United States Capitol?
89. What is the White House?
90. Where is the White House located?
91. What is the name of the President's official home?
92. Name the right guaranteed by the first amendment.
93. Who is the Commander in Chief of the U.S. military?
94. Which President was the first Commander in Chief of the U.S. military?
95. In what month do we vote for the President?
96. In what month is the new President inaugurated?
97. How many times may a Senator be re-elected?
98. How many times may a Congressman be re-elected?
99. What are the 2 major political parties in the U.S. today?
100. How many states are there in the United States today?
it seems pretty easy, but i suppose i'm biased....
1. What are the colors of our flag?
2. How many stars are there in our flag?
3. What color are the stars on our flag?
4. What do the stars on the flag mean?
5. How many stripes are there in the flag?
6. What color are the stripes?
7. What do the stripes on the flag mean?
8. How many states are there in the Union?
9. What is the 4th of July?
10. What is the date of Independence Day?
11. Independence from whom?
12. What country did we fight during the Revolutionary War?
13. Who was the first President of the United States?
14. Who is the President of the United States today?
15. Who is the vice-president of the United States today?
16. Who elects the President of the United States?
17. Who becomes President of the United States if the President should die?
18. For how long do we elect the President?
19. What is the Constitution?
20. Can the Constitution be changed?
21. What do we call a change to the Constitution?
22. How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution?
23. How many branches are there in our government?
24. What are the three branches of our government?
25. What is the legislative branch of our government?
26. Who makes the laws in the United States?
27. What is the Congress?
28. What are the duties of Congress?
29. Who elects the Congress?
30. How many senators are there in Congress?
31. Can you name the two senators from your state?
32. For how long do we elect each senator?
33. How many representatives are there in Congress?
34. For how long do we elect the representatives?
35. What is the executive branch of our government?
36. What is the judiciary branch of our government?
37. What are the duties of the Supreme Court?
38. What is the supreme court law of the United States?
39. What is the Bill of Rights?
40. What is the capital of your state?
41. Who is the current governor of your state?
42. Who becomes President of the United States if the President and the vice-president should die?
43. Who is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court?
44. Can you name thirteen original states?
45. Who said, "Give me liberty or give me death."?
46. Which countries were our enemies during World War II?
47. What are the 49th and 50th states of the Union?
48. How many terms can the President serve?
49. Who was Martin Luther King, Jr.?
50. Who is the head of your local government?
51. According to the Constitution, a person must meet certain requirements in order to be eligible to become President. Name one of these requirements.
52. Why are there 100 Senators in the Senate?
53. Who selects the Supreme Court justice?
54. How many Supreme Court justice are there?
55. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?
56. What is the head executive of a state government called?
57. What is the head executive of a city government called?
58. What holiday was celebrated for the first time by the Americans colonists?
59. Who was the main writer of the Declaration of Independence?
60. When was the Declaration of Independence adopted?
61. What is the basic belief of the Declaration of Independence?
62. What is the national anthem of the United States?
63. Who wrote the Star-Spangled Banner?
64. Where does freedom of speech come from?
65. What is a minimum voting age in the United States?
66. Who signs bills into law?
67. What is the highest court in the United States?
68. Who was the President during the Civil War?
69. What did the Emancipation Declaration do?
70. What special group advises the President?
71. Which President is called the "Father of our country"?
72. What Immigration and Naturalization Service form is used to apply to become a naturalized citizen?
73. Who helped the Pilgrims in America?
74. What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America?
75. What are the 13 original states of the U.S. called?
76. Name 3 rights of freedom guaranteed by the Bill of Rights.
77. Who has the power to declare the war?
78. What kind of government does the United States have?
79. Which President freed the slaves?
80. In what year was the Constitution written?
81. What are the first 10 amendments to the Constitution called?
82. Name one purpose of the United Nations?
83. Where does Congress meet?
84. Whose rights are guaranteed by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights?
85. What is the introduction to the Constitution called?
86. Name one benefit of being citizen of the United States.
87. What is the most important right granted to U.S. citizens?
88. What is the United States Capitol?
89. What is the White House?
90. Where is the White House located?
91. What is the name of the President's official home?
92. Name the right guaranteed by the first amendment.
93. Who is the Commander in Chief of the U.S. military?
94. Which President was the first Commander in Chief of the U.S. military?
95. In what month do we vote for the President?
96. In what month is the new President inaugurated?
97. How many times may a Senator be re-elected?
98. How many times may a Congressman be re-elected?
99. What are the 2 major political parties in the U.S. today?
100. How many states are there in the United States today?
results show
healthy.
my mac is in the shop, and my hard drive is lost forever. DAMN!!!
friday morning may bring about a change or another week of waiting... and i wait always
i am procrastination at its finest.
my mac is in the shop, and my hard drive is lost forever. DAMN!!!
friday morning may bring about a change or another week of waiting... and i wait always
i am procrastination at its finest.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
know your rights
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment II
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment III
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment VII
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment II
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment III
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment VII
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
attack of the super hunger....
indian food again today???
stupid cincinnati state and not having ANY vegetarian options.....
guess its peanuts out of the vending machine again.
stupid cincinnati state and not having ANY vegetarian options.....
guess its peanuts out of the vending machine again.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
chilly outside
yes??
i told derrick i had "taken a chill" and his response was "ok, gramma"
to which i was lightly offended and said
"what?"
and he explained that "no one under the age of 80 says 'ive taken a chill'"
and so i replied "thats not true, i just said it"
but he was unmoved and responded "yes you did, and you also speak like an 80 year old"
fine
then later he said something--
but yes i really have taken a chill i am always cold it wont go away--
he said something about equal bees or i dont know but i came up with thsi (although you really have to hear the crazy voice to appreciate it)
THIS bee is directly proportionate to this BEE
and when we have TWO BEES that are directly proportionate to one another
we like to call that EQUAL BEES"
i told derrick i had "taken a chill" and his response was "ok, gramma"
to which i was lightly offended and said
"what?"
and he explained that "no one under the age of 80 says 'ive taken a chill'"
and so i replied "thats not true, i just said it"
but he was unmoved and responded "yes you did, and you also speak like an 80 year old"
fine
then later he said something--
but yes i really have taken a chill i am always cold it wont go away--
he said something about equal bees or i dont know but i came up with thsi (although you really have to hear the crazy voice to appreciate it)
THIS bee is directly proportionate to this BEE
and when we have TWO BEES that are directly proportionate to one another
we like to call that EQUAL BEES"
Monday, November 26, 2007
.speak.s.e.a..s...y....
i love the phrase "ovaries on the outside".... sounds so painful, but useful perhaps...
and so, i have heightened my guard against strange people who demand answers of my tattoos, and then get snarky when i am less than forthcoming....
ONE CAT IN PARTICULAR asked me "When are you going to grow up and realize no one will give you a job because you have a tattoo on your face?"
well, shit, son. thought i had me a job already.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
i'm going to ripley, sucka-- ain't nothin you can do
...so for my issues in human diversity class we're required to engage in an activity outside our personal culture, e.g. going to ripley to check out the underground railroad houses. it will be interesting and educational.... albeit out of the time period ((out of context?? maybe??))
i could go to a synagouge, but i'd honestly prefer the daytrip down the ohio...
current activity:: viewing live free or die hard, ten minutes in and already with the explosions:::
well, alright.
i could go to a synagouge, but i'd honestly prefer the daytrip down the ohio...
current activity:: viewing live free or die hard, ten minutes in and already with the explosions:::
well, alright.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
anti-holiday
i officially did not celebrate thanksgiving today, horray-- instead my little family stayed home-- bug ran around in circles and ruby tuesday's provided dinner....
i think i actually relaxed for once...
and what happened to chinese restaurants being open on american holidays??? i wanted some tofu and spring rolls... wtf?
anyway.. check out my new specs.... how diggable is this?
i think i actually relaxed for once...
and what happened to chinese restaurants being open on american holidays??? i wanted some tofu and spring rolls... wtf?
anyway.. check out my new specs.... how diggable is this?
Friday, November 16, 2007
nurse mandy
mominlaw not doing so hot... practiced a bit of infirmary on her today....
intense, and i'm not so prepared-- talk about a throw-off
le sigh...
she should be sleeping, buglet too...
what i really wanted was indian, but alas... and my next choice was chinese takeout (really thai, but alas...) so now i settle for larosas, and since i abhor speaking to anyone on the phone (did i mention i detest such a thing) i order online, it was almost...empyrean.....
bluh.
maybe this is the delivery boy now...
intense, and i'm not so prepared-- talk about a throw-off
le sigh...
she should be sleeping, buglet too...
what i really wanted was indian, but alas... and my next choice was chinese takeout (really thai, but alas...) so now i settle for larosas, and since i abhor speaking to anyone on the phone (did i mention i detest such a thing) i order online, it was almost...empyrean.....
bluh.
maybe this is the delivery boy now...
Thursday, November 15, 2007
thursday
back in school. finally....
it feels like it has been much longer than a few months, but thats true for almost anything-- miles are longer, words have more syllables.
in my cultural diversity class today we learned that every agent has a target for oppression.... in sociology we discussed what issues we would like to explore, such as child abuse and suicide....
i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know what TO do, except be here, in these classes and take what i can from them, you know-- make myself smart. how i LONG for an honours course-- i LONG to be challenged.
i feel as if i am wading in mediocrity and expecting it to make me feel better. people get me all wrong (m.z.d. "ALLWAYS")
so what now? a horoscope told me that "perhaps your presence is intimidating"
really??
i believe i come off as akward and shy, to which my husby agreed, and said "So unlike when i first met you. You were bouncy. You had the attitude of 'Hey, I'm Mandy, so Fuck Off..."
now i am quiet, reserved, often speechless. serious. weathered.
whatever.
i can't figure out what the change is or was that lead to this type of silence.
on the other hand i am speaking up for myself more, taking control of my mind and body, shedding this victim cloak-- i am working out at school (mostly aerobics, a little weight lifting), i'm not smoking cigarettes (as much-- i quit buying packs, but will have one at work occasionally if i'm offered), it's weird. i'm choosing tea over coffee.
i'm being boring (p.s.b.) heh.
moxy out::: moxy come, moxy go.
but, it is decided that bigger glasses are in order-- eye frames the size of saucers, yes, and silk scarves and cuckoo clocks and cookie jars...
thats me.
it feels like it has been much longer than a few months, but thats true for almost anything-- miles are longer, words have more syllables.
in my cultural diversity class today we learned that every agent has a target for oppression.... in sociology we discussed what issues we would like to explore, such as child abuse and suicide....
i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know what TO do, except be here, in these classes and take what i can from them, you know-- make myself smart. how i LONG for an honours course-- i LONG to be challenged.
i feel as if i am wading in mediocrity and expecting it to make me feel better. people get me all wrong (m.z.d. "ALLWAYS")
so what now? a horoscope told me that "perhaps your presence is intimidating"
really??
i believe i come off as akward and shy, to which my husby agreed, and said "So unlike when i first met you. You were bouncy. You had the attitude of 'Hey, I'm Mandy, so Fuck Off..."
now i am quiet, reserved, often speechless. serious. weathered.
whatever.
i can't figure out what the change is or was that lead to this type of silence.
on the other hand i am speaking up for myself more, taking control of my mind and body, shedding this victim cloak-- i am working out at school (mostly aerobics, a little weight lifting), i'm not smoking cigarettes (as much-- i quit buying packs, but will have one at work occasionally if i'm offered), it's weird. i'm choosing tea over coffee.
i'm being boring (p.s.b.) heh.
moxy out::: moxy come, moxy go.
but, it is decided that bigger glasses are in order-- eye frames the size of saucers, yes, and silk scarves and cuckoo clocks and cookie jars...
thats me.
Monday, November 5, 2007
well, here you go
buglet is poxless, which is some of the best news in a while.
i start school in a week and I still haven't signed over my kidney for some text books.
if the world ends in 2012 i want to be in a boat on a lake with my family.
i need new glasses-- but i bought some baba ganouj today and i feel like its time to have it.
i start school in a week and I still haven't signed over my kidney for some text books.
if the world ends in 2012 i want to be in a boat on a lake with my family.
i need new glasses-- but i bought some baba ganouj today and i feel like its time to have it.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
happy .n.e.w. year
yesterday...
woke up thinking the buglet had the .p.o.x.-- what a crank!! (????)
fed her and to no avail; showed little to no interest in pumpkin carving, even after eating some .g.u.t.s.
i tired quickly of her attitude and sent her to bed. i expected her to reset after a good nap.
no.
so she had an oatmeal bath that was particularly inconvenient for her, and took to throwing a variety of objects before she crescendoed with a nuclear whistle only an infant can muster and fell to the floor.
she went quickly to bed and remained there for several hours... wether she slept or not is unknown.
derrick and i made our dinner, and i made a pumpkin pie that-- (in addition to being VEGAN), I felt-- was scrumptuous, and very TRADITIONAL, but unfortunatley disagreed with the tastebuds of my husband.
it was a somber day. this past year has left me feeling very tired,,, ,,,,and the road is long and steep.
this is the end of something.
woke up thinking the buglet had the .p.o.x.-- what a crank!! (????)
fed her and to no avail; showed little to no interest in pumpkin carving, even after eating some .g.u.t.s.
i tired quickly of her attitude and sent her to bed. i expected her to reset after a good nap.
no.
so she had an oatmeal bath that was particularly inconvenient for her, and took to throwing a variety of objects before she crescendoed with a nuclear whistle only an infant can muster and fell to the floor.
she went quickly to bed and remained there for several hours... wether she slept or not is unknown.
derrick and i made our dinner, and i made a pumpkin pie that-- (in addition to being VEGAN), I felt-- was scrumptuous, and very TRADITIONAL, but unfortunatley disagreed with the tastebuds of my husband.
it was a somber day. this past year has left me feeling very tired,,, ,,,,and the road is long and steep.
this is the end of something.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
declimatizing
finally above the water
if not above, at least not assunder
eye-level with
eye-water
welter-waiter
buoyant daughter
server, lover, wife-and
mother
wader wading
waist deeper
sloping steeper
secret-keeper
quiet girl and
longing loner....
i miss you, yes, but
more and over
this is better
growing-grower
quick!, then
slower
not a glance past the
shoulder
will i shower you so
sooner
never closer,
never nearer
never seeing me
for me
for me
for me
so older,
fonder
go and
go-er
last and
level,
EYE LEVEL
with the water, and
if not level
not
assunder
if not above, at least not assunder
eye-level with
eye-water
welter-waiter
buoyant daughter
server, lover, wife-and
mother
wader wading
waist deeper
sloping steeper
secret-keeper
quiet girl and
longing loner....
i miss you, yes, but
more and over
this is better
growing-grower
quick!, then
slower
not a glance past the
shoulder
will i shower you so
sooner
never closer,
never nearer
never seeing me
for me
for me
for me
so older,
fonder
go and
go-er
last and
level,
EYE LEVEL
with the water, and
if not level
not
assunder
Monday, October 1, 2007
confettied
its october, my favourite month. i can smell halloween in the air-- a marker of a new year, and a time for quiet reflection and hard work.
before we left town i sold all my special spiritual aids and literature-- my entire collection of rare tarot cards, too.
I sold them to people I trust and respect and whom I felt would be loving with these items that were so dear to me.
When we ridded ourselves of all our material possessions (barring a handful of extremely important things) I felt renewed. It was truly a freeing experience. I had nothing. It reminded me how crucial it is to feel that way, how good it felt to not be owned by my belongings.
I'm feeling more and more hopeful as the days pass. Not as angry.
Calmer.
Perched.
before we left town i sold all my special spiritual aids and literature-- my entire collection of rare tarot cards, too.
I sold them to people I trust and respect and whom I felt would be loving with these items that were so dear to me.
When we ridded ourselves of all our material possessions (barring a handful of extremely important things) I felt renewed. It was truly a freeing experience. I had nothing. It reminded me how crucial it is to feel that way, how good it felt to not be owned by my belongings.
I'm feeling more and more hopeful as the days pass. Not as angry.
Calmer.
Perched.
Friday, September 28, 2007
codicil
i just now-- this very moment-- confirmed the amount of time in which it will take to open Brylan's is "indefinate".
i will be kept ABREAST of things.
was i not pulling my weight?
....or what?
???
hopefully by spring..... grrrrrr, this is lame.
mighty lame.
i will be kept ABREAST of things.
was i not pulling my weight?
....or what?
???
hopefully by spring..... grrrrrr, this is lame.
mighty lame.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
for those who don't know...
as my wave of alluring elusivity wanes on, i felt it would be reasonable to post an update:::
i am essentially working three jobs-- YES i am still opening "that coffeeshop" (its called Brylan's) but we've had some setbacks with the house and things are just moving slow overall-- so i stop in from time to time to check the progress.... it'll be a while.
so as not to get out of practice, i work a few mornings a week at a coffeeshop called espresso 2 (or espresso squared) where my boss thinks i have no idea what i'm doing, as if english were my second language. i dont even want to talk about it.
i work nights at Shooters Sports Grill in Loveland. when it is busy i do very well. im still new there so i havent been given any of the best sections yet. im hoping people will quit.
in my down time i enjoy activities such as being a wife and mother, sleeping, eating, and cleaning up shit, both from babies and dogs.
i'm in a pretty anti-social place. i prefer not to venture outside the house unless it is dark and i cant see other people. i'm in need of privacy and the only place that occurs is in the car.
this feels like penance.
****
a lady in the gas station tonight couldnt get my goji juice to ring up properly, so she tried to give me the drink for free, but i INSISTED i pay for it, and once she got the price for the juice i paid her with the exact change but she says not to worry about the PENNY and i was like "Oh No You Dont" and i sat there and dug out what i owed her and i left and derrick was laughing at me, but you know what:::
I was tempted, and I rose above it,
damnit.
mandy:: 1
karma::: 0
i am essentially working three jobs-- YES i am still opening "that coffeeshop" (its called Brylan's) but we've had some setbacks with the house and things are just moving slow overall-- so i stop in from time to time to check the progress.... it'll be a while.
so as not to get out of practice, i work a few mornings a week at a coffeeshop called espresso 2 (or espresso squared) where my boss thinks i have no idea what i'm doing, as if english were my second language. i dont even want to talk about it.
i work nights at Shooters Sports Grill in Loveland. when it is busy i do very well. im still new there so i havent been given any of the best sections yet. im hoping people will quit.
in my down time i enjoy activities such as being a wife and mother, sleeping, eating, and cleaning up shit, both from babies and dogs.
i'm in a pretty anti-social place. i prefer not to venture outside the house unless it is dark and i cant see other people. i'm in need of privacy and the only place that occurs is in the car.
this feels like penance.
****
a lady in the gas station tonight couldnt get my goji juice to ring up properly, so she tried to give me the drink for free, but i INSISTED i pay for it, and once she got the price for the juice i paid her with the exact change but she says not to worry about the PENNY and i was like "Oh No You Dont" and i sat there and dug out what i owed her and i left and derrick was laughing at me, but you know what:::
I was tempted, and I rose above it,
damnit.
mandy:: 1
karma::: 0
Sunday, September 23, 2007
is my whore showing?
i missed serving.
i really did.
some lady called me a "waitress" today-- i felt it was archaic.
"yes," i said, "but also i'm a person. sometimes I go out to eat."
well, i didn't SAY it, but it was definately reflected in my body language and 50-watt smile.
theres something about the restaurant that always makes me go back. sure the money is outstanding, and you know, i'm not above winking at an old man for an extra dollar. i once let a pastor smack my ass.
and if you tip me well enough-- for long enough-- i will marry you and have your child.
i really did.
some lady called me a "waitress" today-- i felt it was archaic.
"yes," i said, "but also i'm a person. sometimes I go out to eat."
well, i didn't SAY it, but it was definately reflected in my body language and 50-watt smile.
theres something about the restaurant that always makes me go back. sure the money is outstanding, and you know, i'm not above winking at an old man for an extra dollar. i once let a pastor smack my ass.
and if you tip me well enough-- for long enough-- i will marry you and have your child.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
whores and radiators
it has been three months since i quit smoking.
i had one today.
i was unremarkable, but not bad.
i dont want another one now.
perhaps it is attributable to the sadness im hoisting these days.
someone who has all my things keeps trying to reach me, and i keep thinking "they were just things"
and they were
and i have nothing, no things
i was woken up from a nap and there was anger and noise and more sadness
words are just things, too, right
yeah,
thats all.
i had one today.
i was unremarkable, but not bad.
i dont want another one now.
perhaps it is attributable to the sadness im hoisting these days.
someone who has all my things keeps trying to reach me, and i keep thinking "they were just things"
and they were
and i have nothing, no things
i was woken up from a nap and there was anger and noise and more sadness
words are just things, too, right
yeah,
thats all.
Friday, September 14, 2007
breed out
http://www.vhemt.org/
i wish i knew more about links and things on the "interweb"
but this site is about Voulentary Human Extinction-- they make some pretty interesting points, and I have to say I am not opposed to what they're about...
i wish i knew more about links and things on the "interweb"
but this site is about Voulentary Human Extinction-- they make some pretty interesting points, and I have to say I am not opposed to what they're about...
.c.a.s.h.
...out there on the Yuma Flats i heard a story of seven people dead in the sand, the sun, like a pied piper, lied as they marched on-- in the circles they left footprints and bootprints and never named a single one...
"Don't you know heartaches are heroes when their pockets are full"
...i do, and deserts, too, always crossed by some Kerouac plot, but i know it is only the dirt and the sand that stay and stand still...
...too true, the taxi ride of wind, i could dream as hard as i can, to the west and north, and still not cast the slightest shadow over my shoulder...
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
it makes me cry
this is the Yangtze River Dolphin, the only species of freshwater dolphin in the world- there hasn't been one seen alive since 2002.
this dolphin is listed as Critially Endangered (Possibly Extinct)
In Indonesia, Orangutangs are killed as pests. They are listed as Critically Endangered.
It's hard to imagine our world without animals we grew up fascinated by as kids.
http://www.arkive.org/species/GES/
This link will take you to the updated Red List of endangered species.
We have to start caring.
Our world is dying.
this dolphin is listed as Critially Endangered (Possibly Extinct)
In Indonesia, Orangutangs are killed as pests. They are listed as Critically Endangered.
It's hard to imagine our world without animals we grew up fascinated by as kids.
http://www.arkive.org/species/GES/
This link will take you to the updated Red List of endangered species.
We have to start caring.
Our world is dying.
Monday, September 10, 2007
"smile on your brother"
derrick frequents the veteran's hospital due to his knee injury. it's frustrating, because since he is 27 (almost) i feel like the doctors don't take him seriously, even with the MRI which they point to and declare:: "Youve got the knee of an 80 year old man."
going there is always a unique experience. the pain is palpable. so many people- some very old, some very young-- some have no legs, others are blind. many are older men who sit all day to socialize and share war stories.
sometimes it is very difficult to be there. whenever i go, i find myself fighting back tears.
the vietnam veterans are among the worst. they wander from lobby to lobby muttering to themselves. in their eyes you wonder if they are seeing the blue and white halls, the tv screens displaying codes and numbers-- or if they are seeing jungles, if they are hearing machine guns and people screaming.
i watch these people get shuffled around and around. it's as if the administrators and doctors don't know what to do with them. they give them a piece of paper, a floor number, a colour. pouring water into one bucket, into another, into another....
i get so sad. the way they get treated is an injustice.
*******
it's a very difficult wave of emotions to describe, and my eyes dampen just to think of it. if you haven't been in a veteran's hospital, i think you should go and sit and listen and feel these people. even if you never have a conversation with anyone, to go and sit there can be a truly moving experience, and everytime i walk away from that place i appreciate what i have more than i used to...
Sunday, September 9, 2007
bad, bad days
a person whom i have been close to for the past ten years of my life is not the person i thought he was.
in order to make himself look better in the eyes of a woman he has had to lie about me and the relationship the two of us used to have.
in high school we would talk for hours on the phone telling each other dark secrets about ourselves.
we went thru large periods of discovery together.
for a while we were always there for each other, and i loved him, and felt like i would always have this friend.
since the start of this year our friendship has been strained, and i have wondered why he hadn't been returning my calls, or shown any interest in getting together.
i found out earlier this week that his girlfriend doesn't like me, and that would have been fine left at that.
what i have come to learn is that he has been making up outrageous stories about me to her in order to appease her insecurities, or make himself look like a better person or a combination of the two.
i have always thought of myself as a mostly reasonable person, but the things he said (OH, the THINGS he had the NERVE to say) have hurt me so badly. under my new philosophy (and what a very close friend had told me was "the bad things people do only have the substance YOU give them") i tried to pass the feelings quietly and release the hurt and anger and know that it was not my doing, it was in the heart of my friend, and had been there for some time, because these things are so deeply rooted-- but in the end, it was the length of time, and all my efforts put into our friendship that got the better of me, and while i wouldn't say i lashed out, i DID make my feelings clear.
they fell on deaf ears.
but i have said what i needed to say, and i can leave it at that because i have to accept that this may never (and most likely WILL never) be repaired. and i am left to mourn the death of a once wonderful friendship.
how long, i wonder, has this been the case?
i can only believe it to be recently. maybe i just want to believe that.
whatever reason or action or domino effect that has taken place THIS will be my final summation, and it is
AS WE GROW, WE LOSE. AS WE GAIN, WE TIRE. AS WE ARE GATHERED, WE ARE LEFT. WE ARE ALWAYS MET TO BE FORGOT.
AND THE FASTEST WAY TO EACH OTHERS HEARTS IS NEVER A STRAIGHT LINE...
in order to make himself look better in the eyes of a woman he has had to lie about me and the relationship the two of us used to have.
in high school we would talk for hours on the phone telling each other dark secrets about ourselves.
we went thru large periods of discovery together.
for a while we were always there for each other, and i loved him, and felt like i would always have this friend.
since the start of this year our friendship has been strained, and i have wondered why he hadn't been returning my calls, or shown any interest in getting together.
i found out earlier this week that his girlfriend doesn't like me, and that would have been fine left at that.
what i have come to learn is that he has been making up outrageous stories about me to her in order to appease her insecurities, or make himself look like a better person or a combination of the two.
i have always thought of myself as a mostly reasonable person, but the things he said (OH, the THINGS he had the NERVE to say) have hurt me so badly. under my new philosophy (and what a very close friend had told me was "the bad things people do only have the substance YOU give them") i tried to pass the feelings quietly and release the hurt and anger and know that it was not my doing, it was in the heart of my friend, and had been there for some time, because these things are so deeply rooted-- but in the end, it was the length of time, and all my efforts put into our friendship that got the better of me, and while i wouldn't say i lashed out, i DID make my feelings clear.
they fell on deaf ears.
but i have said what i needed to say, and i can leave it at that because i have to accept that this may never (and most likely WILL never) be repaired. and i am left to mourn the death of a once wonderful friendship.
how long, i wonder, has this been the case?
i can only believe it to be recently. maybe i just want to believe that.
whatever reason or action or domino effect that has taken place THIS will be my final summation, and it is
AS WE GROW, WE LOSE. AS WE GAIN, WE TIRE. AS WE ARE GATHERED, WE ARE LEFT. WE ARE ALWAYS MET TO BE FORGOT.
AND THE FASTEST WAY TO EACH OTHERS HEARTS IS NEVER A STRAIGHT LINE...
Thursday, September 6, 2007
just words
thank you very much.
i almost posted them here, but decided against it.
another one of those things.
how do you always know?
i almost posted them here, but decided against it.
another one of those things.
how do you always know?
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
growing V
vegan life is treating me well, although I am allowing myself something non-vegan (like a slice of banana bread-- no cheese, plain milk, etc...) once or twice a week.
when you cut dairy from your diet entirely, after so long your body no longer furnishes the enzymes needed to digest it.
....
so there.
i feel great-- like i have more energy-- my body feels better and people are asking me if i have lost weight.
i will be in a bikini by february.
when you cut dairy from your diet entirely, after so long your body no longer furnishes the enzymes needed to digest it.
....
so there.
i feel great-- like i have more energy-- my body feels better and people are asking me if i have lost weight.
i will be in a bikini by february.
Monday, September 3, 2007
sigh...
well, here it is.
i'm officially stuck, and i'm not handling it well.
at this point (to be fair, at ALL points) i am just trying to maintain some semblance of calm and patience. i am giveing an ernest go at choosing my words and my battles.
the side effect of this is a slow manner of speaking which i find offends people.
THIS as opposed to my quick and sharp-tongued insultery-with-a-smile m.o.
i come off in two-ways: passive or rude.
i am not attempting to bottle anything up or hold anything in, rather to quietly deal with irritations and aggrvations as they occur, allow myself to feel angry or wronged by them, but quickly find a positive way in which the problem can be dealt with or solved, and then forgive whomever (MYSELF included), if applicable.
otherwise (aside from a few small outbursts, warranted or not) i have been polite, forthcoming, helpful, and curteous. and TRUTHFUL.
i have decided to start saying what i think.
i think this:
THIS WORLD IS FULL OF SELFISH, HATEFUL PEOPLE. IT IS FULL OF VICTIMS AND MARTYRS. IT IS FULL OF HYPOCRISY AND LIES. AND I KNOW SOME OF THESE PEOPLE, INTIMATELY.
therefore i resolve to offer compassion instead of ambivilance.
and to keep myself under a close watch. i can feel all the walls breathing on me. i have to find a way to release this anger.
"Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come..."
m.j.k.
i'm officially stuck, and i'm not handling it well.
at this point (to be fair, at ALL points) i am just trying to maintain some semblance of calm and patience. i am giveing an ernest go at choosing my words and my battles.
the side effect of this is a slow manner of speaking which i find offends people.
THIS as opposed to my quick and sharp-tongued insultery-with-a-smile m.o.
i come off in two-ways: passive or rude.
i am not attempting to bottle anything up or hold anything in, rather to quietly deal with irritations and aggrvations as they occur, allow myself to feel angry or wronged by them, but quickly find a positive way in which the problem can be dealt with or solved, and then forgive whomever (MYSELF included), if applicable.
otherwise (aside from a few small outbursts, warranted or not) i have been polite, forthcoming, helpful, and curteous. and TRUTHFUL.
i have decided to start saying what i think.
i think this:
THIS WORLD IS FULL OF SELFISH, HATEFUL PEOPLE. IT IS FULL OF VICTIMS AND MARTYRS. IT IS FULL OF HYPOCRISY AND LIES. AND I KNOW SOME OF THESE PEOPLE, INTIMATELY.
therefore i resolve to offer compassion instead of ambivilance.
and to keep myself under a close watch. i can feel all the walls breathing on me. i have to find a way to release this anger.
"Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come..."
m.j.k.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
money and guns
what is it about money that fucks people up so badly?
40 grand is a LOT of cash.
a fucking LOT.
but-- does 40,000$ cover a college tuition?
if it does, i have nary a soapbox to stand on...
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
i dream in bad movies
so i had a dream last night that i moved to a small kentucky town and opened a restaurant. and it's evident very quickly that the town is hiding some kind of awful secret. so at the town social to welcome my arrival i ma told in confidence by the figurehead of the ladies gardening club that the town has been terrorized by a GIANT RHINO for years.
For the rest of my dream I get to watch as this GIANT RHINO comes (quietly) out of no where, charges people and their pets (one happened on a llama farm). It's a little intense, because the rhino runs right at and over me, but for whatever reason, I remain unscathed.
I rally up a group of townspeople to stand up to the GIANT RHINO, but the efforts fail, a lot of people die and I end up with two other women running wildly thru a shopping mall from a rhino who is chasing us. Just when we see the exit and think we can escape, another GIANT RHINO breaks thru the wall. So we run left and right, but each time we hit a new wall a new GIANT RHINO appears, and now they're all saying schmaltzy one liners such as
"Times Up, Humans"
or
"There's no escaping the GIANT RHINO!"
I woke up before it was over so I'm not sure if I made it out alive, or if the national guard was called in for assistance.
so....
what the fuck?
For the rest of my dream I get to watch as this GIANT RHINO comes (quietly) out of no where, charges people and their pets (one happened on a llama farm). It's a little intense, because the rhino runs right at and over me, but for whatever reason, I remain unscathed.
I rally up a group of townspeople to stand up to the GIANT RHINO, but the efforts fail, a lot of people die and I end up with two other women running wildly thru a shopping mall from a rhino who is chasing us. Just when we see the exit and think we can escape, another GIANT RHINO breaks thru the wall. So we run left and right, but each time we hit a new wall a new GIANT RHINO appears, and now they're all saying schmaltzy one liners such as
"Times Up, Humans"
or
"There's no escaping the GIANT RHINO!"
I woke up before it was over so I'm not sure if I made it out alive, or if the national guard was called in for assistance.
so....
what the fuck?
Saturday, August 25, 2007
today...
i'm feeling downright somber. i had a really fucked up experience last night after dropping kat off...
it really sort of shook me up, so i'm still processing.
for lunch i finished up the rest of my malai kofta from royal taj.
you know, i kinda decided that all the indian restaurants around town are essentially the same, so i pretty much order the same thing everytime.
vive la basmati.
it really sort of shook me up, so i'm still processing.
for lunch i finished up the rest of my malai kofta from royal taj.
you know, i kinda decided that all the indian restaurants around town are essentially the same, so i pretty much order the same thing everytime.
vive la basmati.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
here it is, part 1
this is the house where the coffee shop is.
we finally had air conditioning put in yesterday.
glorious, seeing as how the temperature is expected to reach 101 today, but it will feel like one million, because this is cincinnati, and we have the shittiest weather in the world.
its true.
i've been everywhere in the whole world and the weather is awesome in all those other places.
(no. thats not true at all)
Monday, August 20, 2007
picketed fence
i love my family.
*****
i think i hate my family.
i know thats harsh.
not the kind of "hate" one associates with white cops killing black teenagers--
the kind of "hate" you associate with bunions, or horseradish.
*********
my mother and i do not like each other, now, right now-- maybe once, years ago...
i think i was able to keep her mildly amused as an infant. infants, tho, are a lot like work.
an infant-- at first-- is like starting day at a new job; you come in showered with a haircut, pressed clothing, the works-- show up five minutes early, eager, apple-cheeked, full of promise...
gradually you lose steam. you start hitting the snooze alarm, you start showering only twice a week. before long you start calling off, sometimes twice in the same week. your excuses get weaker-- it starts with a broken car, a broken car leads to a mystery illness, suddenly you're collecting bereavement pay for a fake death...
one day you don't show up.
no phone call. no message.
its a wednesday, and you
disappear.
i'm not sure if i believe so much in post-partum depression so much as i believe in post-partum boredom.
***
at any rate, my mom and i dislike each other. we pretend-- covincingly, sometimes-- that we're old pals. other times it's like seeing thru a window.
occassionally, it's a mirror, and while I try not to gauge my reflection in it, this mirror has been in place for 24 years, and ultimately responsible for my decision to quit smoking.
you know-- what is it about forgivness that it feels like lottery balls in a tumbler? how come you, or I, could give it, 100%, in the flesh, but the recipient is always holding out for a better deal?
how many times do i have to say?
i can't say it. i'm tired of those word and thier mouth feel.
i'm tired of this spiny mocking dance we do.
let's shut if off
anytime will do.
******
i'm not a bad kid. i never was.
it's made me hostile.
the flavour of hostility is like rotted steel and blood.
******
RESPECTING YOUR ELDERS...
how can i?
my parents?
thats a different story.
they're exempt, they always are.
and ULTIMATELY
the fact that THOSE TWO PEOPLE love me the way they do makes everyone else so jealous.
it just IS.
I feel it.
I have felt it since I was old enough to know what it was.
**
did you think i didn't notice?
**
yeah....
i guess you did.
**
**
**
damnit.
*****
i think i hate my family.
i know thats harsh.
not the kind of "hate" one associates with white cops killing black teenagers--
the kind of "hate" you associate with bunions, or horseradish.
*********
my mother and i do not like each other, now, right now-- maybe once, years ago...
i think i was able to keep her mildly amused as an infant. infants, tho, are a lot like work.
an infant-- at first-- is like starting day at a new job; you come in showered with a haircut, pressed clothing, the works-- show up five minutes early, eager, apple-cheeked, full of promise...
gradually you lose steam. you start hitting the snooze alarm, you start showering only twice a week. before long you start calling off, sometimes twice in the same week. your excuses get weaker-- it starts with a broken car, a broken car leads to a mystery illness, suddenly you're collecting bereavement pay for a fake death...
one day you don't show up.
no phone call. no message.
its a wednesday, and you
disappear.
i'm not sure if i believe so much in post-partum depression so much as i believe in post-partum boredom.
***
at any rate, my mom and i dislike each other. we pretend-- covincingly, sometimes-- that we're old pals. other times it's like seeing thru a window.
occassionally, it's a mirror, and while I try not to gauge my reflection in it, this mirror has been in place for 24 years, and ultimately responsible for my decision to quit smoking.
you know-- what is it about forgivness that it feels like lottery balls in a tumbler? how come you, or I, could give it, 100%, in the flesh, but the recipient is always holding out for a better deal?
how many times do i have to say?
i can't say it. i'm tired of those word and thier mouth feel.
i'm tired of this spiny mocking dance we do.
let's shut if off
anytime will do.
******
i'm not a bad kid. i never was.
it's made me hostile.
the flavour of hostility is like rotted steel and blood.
******
RESPECTING YOUR ELDERS...
how can i?
my parents?
thats a different story.
they're exempt, they always are.
and ULTIMATELY
the fact that THOSE TWO PEOPLE love me the way they do makes everyone else so jealous.
it just IS.
I feel it.
I have felt it since I was old enough to know what it was.
**
did you think i didn't notice?
**
yeah....
i guess you did.
**
**
**
damnit.
wreck your car
it has to be said....
not that it's not been said before....
i hate driving in cincinnati.
no one signals, no one looks, everyone is on a cell phone....
you know- i have insurance-
i should let these people hit me. that way i could get my scion.
not that it's not been said before....
i hate driving in cincinnati.
no one signals, no one looks, everyone is on a cell phone....
you know- i have insurance-
i should let these people hit me. that way i could get my scion.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
dos anos!
this was us on our two year anniversary.
this is officially MY longest relationship.
i guess i CAN committ to things after all--
CERTAIN things--
this man puts up with all my spontaneous, crazy, mega-weird nonsense--
he says he enjoys it,
and, whatever,
he loves me--
and i am better for it.
Monday, August 13, 2007
stop me
i'm starting to think i don't like dogs. i'm finding that it's not just the odd dog, but most dogs that bother me. maybe i have no soul...
in order to prove i still have a soul, i have returned once again to my vegan ways. it's been about a week now, andi'm already feeling healthier.
i do what i can.
in order to prove i still have a soul, i have returned once again to my vegan ways. it's been about a week now, andi'm already feeling healthier.
i do what i can.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
"...cos it too HOT!"
damn.
today there was a heat advisory, like we wouldn't have picked up on it otherwise ("Oh YEAH it IS hot outside....") ... the news reminded you to check on pets and the elderly.
pets....check
elderly... don't own any.
it was miserable in the house. i turned on the ice machine, but it wasn't too happy about it and didn't make much ice.
i have to start painting and upholstering the tables so they lose that stunning hospital cafeteria chic. i bought some spray paint for the primer coat but, alas, it says to use in low humidity....hmmm....
i guess spray paint only works in the winter in cincinnati.
damn ohio valley.
Hey- whats up with people who pronounce Missouri "miz-OR-uh"
anyone?
today there was a heat advisory, like we wouldn't have picked up on it otherwise ("Oh YEAH it IS hot outside....") ... the news reminded you to check on pets and the elderly.
pets....check
elderly... don't own any.
it was miserable in the house. i turned on the ice machine, but it wasn't too happy about it and didn't make much ice.
i have to start painting and upholstering the tables so they lose that stunning hospital cafeteria chic. i bought some spray paint for the primer coat but, alas, it says to use in low humidity....hmmm....
i guess spray paint only works in the winter in cincinnati.
damn ohio valley.
Hey- whats up with people who pronounce Missouri "miz-OR-uh"
anyone?
Monday, August 6, 2007
HORRAY!
and today began the real job. I'm working in the shop (which is in a house built in the 1800's) with NO air conditioning (ack!) getting everything set up and whaever else.
I'm really having a good time, I have a great feeling about the whole thing.
This week I'm contacting vendors to supply our bottled beverages- I chose San Pellegrino as opposed to Perrier, because the latter just isn't classy any longer- and the perrenial favourites like Vita2O and Odwalla. I was going to contact POM but I read on the PETA website that they were doing these fucked up tests on rabbits and mice.
So I said FUCK YOU, POM.
I expect you, loyal readers, (Angie), to do the same.
I'm really having a good time, I have a great feeling about the whole thing.
This week I'm contacting vendors to supply our bottled beverages- I chose San Pellegrino as opposed to Perrier, because the latter just isn't classy any longer- and the perrenial favourites like Vita2O and Odwalla. I was going to contact POM but I read on the PETA website that they were doing these fucked up tests on rabbits and mice.
So I said FUCK YOU, POM.
I expect you, loyal readers, (Angie), to do the same.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
ultra nausea
i'm SUPPOSED to be getting off the couch and junk but my head is living in my stomach and i keep wanting to vomit everything i've eaten for the past ten years.
ugh.
there is nothing worse than puking besides feeling like puking all day and all night.
people say: "i always feel better once i puke"
how come this doesn't work for me?
this sucks.
ugh.
there is nothing worse than puking besides feeling like puking all day and all night.
people say: "i always feel better once i puke"
how come this doesn't work for me?
this sucks.
Monday, July 23, 2007
jazzfest....? really?
its sponsored by Macy's? ... ....
and there are only two real jazz acts?
Mary J. Blige is headlining?
what the hell is going on here? i feel really cheated...
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
active lifestyling
so i pretty much decided that i'm kind of a loaf, and so i have begun to "healthy up" myself.
i've done some light exercising the past few days, and i'm starting to eat better and not after 7pm at night which is difficult.
but today i took mabyl to the park and sheand i walked a mile and then played on the equipment and had fruit and cereal for breakfast and some green tea.
no more loafing!
i've done some light exercising the past few days, and i'm starting to eat better and not after 7pm at night which is difficult.
but today i took mabyl to the park and sheand i walked a mile and then played on the equipment and had fruit and cereal for breakfast and some green tea.
no more loafing!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
bored hauswife con panna
it appears that my start up staff will be comprised mainly of the owners housewife friends who wish to "voulnteer".
oh the excitement.
i'm going to have to get a translator.
Friday, July 13, 2007
its no good
i tried buying the white russian singles and i did not like them. i probably just dont like kahluha because it tastes bad. and we bought the miller cheleda lime and salt thing, but that gave me a bellyache.
have i lost my ability to drink? i can't even stomach wine right now.
sigh.
have i lost my ability to drink? i can't even stomach wine right now.
sigh.
Monday, July 9, 2007
lessons in humility
at the gas station, i catch myself quite often saying things to myself, such as, "I'm better than this" and "I don't belong here" and this has made me more aware of myself, and it's making me wonder if i'm being judgemental...
it's what these people say (some of them) and the things they do that are permissable there. they're the alternate version of all the richie bastards in mt. lookout. in ways they act exactly alike.
people walk in the door wearing no shirt and no shoes, smoking a cigarette AND drinking a beer with their four kids following them around. they buy some forties, a $2.00 bottle of early times, and four packs of Bronco Lights, and their kid asks for chocolate milk and they get in the kids face and scream "GODDAMNIT, I done already told you you don't GET NOTHIN!!!"
to me they smile and laugh and say "Lil' shits."
other people look sun-weathered and sad. their workshirts are full of holes and their faces red. usually they nod upon entering and offer something like, "hot out there!"
if it's a woman she'll be carrying an 80's-sized pleather purse. she'll buy a six pack of Mike's Cranberry Lemonade, a pack of Misty 120's, and a scratch off ticket. it's easy to make light conversation with these women. most of the time I don't have to talk. they just want someone to listen.
the men are polite and have wives of 30 years or more. they all look too old to be working and when you give them their lottery tickets they make a quiet joke about "early retirement".
august is my out month. it sits ahead of me like a cruise ship. the thought of being able to grocercy shop makes my heart race. it's a real job for once. a well paying, responsible, good job with all the fixins- and it's something i love to do. i feel so lucky to have gotten it, and i can't wait for it to start.
until then, it's the gas station- where i have already been reprimanded for not stocking the cigarettes well enough.
i guess what pisses me off most is being treated like i am a complete idiot when i hit a wrong button or fail to understand the quick-talking lotto jargon, or because i handed somebody 100's instead of kings.
i sometimes have to bite my tongue and not assault them with every four syllable word in the english language explaining to them how self educated and cultured i am. (yes, this makes me feel a little like a bitch) but it wouldn't do much good.
i'm a "city" girl, after all.
it's what these people say (some of them) and the things they do that are permissable there. they're the alternate version of all the richie bastards in mt. lookout. in ways they act exactly alike.
people walk in the door wearing no shirt and no shoes, smoking a cigarette AND drinking a beer with their four kids following them around. they buy some forties, a $2.00 bottle of early times, and four packs of Bronco Lights, and their kid asks for chocolate milk and they get in the kids face and scream "GODDAMNIT, I done already told you you don't GET NOTHIN!!!"
to me they smile and laugh and say "Lil' shits."
other people look sun-weathered and sad. their workshirts are full of holes and their faces red. usually they nod upon entering and offer something like, "hot out there!"
if it's a woman she'll be carrying an 80's-sized pleather purse. she'll buy a six pack of Mike's Cranberry Lemonade, a pack of Misty 120's, and a scratch off ticket. it's easy to make light conversation with these women. most of the time I don't have to talk. they just want someone to listen.
the men are polite and have wives of 30 years or more. they all look too old to be working and when you give them their lottery tickets they make a quiet joke about "early retirement".
august is my out month. it sits ahead of me like a cruise ship. the thought of being able to grocercy shop makes my heart race. it's a real job for once. a well paying, responsible, good job with all the fixins- and it's something i love to do. i feel so lucky to have gotten it, and i can't wait for it to start.
until then, it's the gas station- where i have already been reprimanded for not stocking the cigarettes well enough.
i guess what pisses me off most is being treated like i am a complete idiot when i hit a wrong button or fail to understand the quick-talking lotto jargon, or because i handed somebody 100's instead of kings.
i sometimes have to bite my tongue and not assault them with every four syllable word in the english language explaining to them how self educated and cultured i am. (yes, this makes me feel a little like a bitch) but it wouldn't do much good.
i'm a "city" girl, after all.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
look,
i think i may be a really bad friend and whats worse is that i don't really care. it isn't with everyone, only a few. even if they are an amazing person, it doesn't matter.
for some people, i just cannot find the time.
.soitgoes.
for some people, i just cannot find the time.
.soitgoes.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
paranoia, forsure
i don't get a lot of jokes. it may be because i don't watch a lot of popular tv or movies-- but the other day i said, "I'm sick of movies and movie people" to which the husband replied, "you don't like a lot of things" and i said, "i feel like hollywood is cornering me" and he said "they probably are"
so now that i'm networked on the internet better than a green snake in a sugar cane field, i have to watch my every step.
it's so frustrating, really. the papparazzi are consuming me, in the boutique, in the jag...
so now that i'm networked on the internet better than a green snake in a sugar cane field, i have to watch my every step.
it's so frustrating, really. the papparazzi are consuming me, in the boutique, in the jag...
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
kung pow chicken
i hate it when strangers reach for my baby. its so gross.
i don't want my kid covered in other people's smoo.
thats just terrible.
i am never going to that chinese restaurant or the subway again.
Monday, July 2, 2007
re:::directed
i feel as if i have been .s.k.u.l.l.f.u.c.k.e.d. and this is ok, because i have other things brewing in my chaos cauldron.... oooohhhhh.
as of august first i will be in charge of a new cafe, it will open in september, and im going to have a freakish amount of responsibility-- enough to actually WARRANT a blackberry.
so, alright, seattle didn't work out, and YES i have been allowing myself to wallow in self-pity, but I'm starting to FEEL like a crybaby, so I'm going to focus on the positive, fists forward.
no more pleasantries mandy.
imagine that.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
.o.r.p.h.a.n.
at least the truth is out.
you can't fault somone for being honest.
people's hearts can be so cruel.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
this is what happened
when i came back into the room i was supposed to SLEEP in, there was this fucking awesome bullshit going on, and you know, i can stomach a lot, but i'll be good and FUCKED before i live in a goddamned METH house.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
highway quiet
in oaklahoma, in ninety degrees, with windows down, the road creatures dividing us each with their wakes
a slip of muddy air against an arrowhead sky, greens then sky, greens, then sky
along for the ride
the silence and cigarette burns, the film in my mind when
you turn to speak, you spoke in black and white
caligraphy lips
a kiss
a ticket
a black sky with rising grass and rye
i
got to get on,
you never mentioned this, being alone,
in bare feet, pacific roads
green then sea, then sky, then
sea
i
got to get on
got to get gone, and you
better come back to
me.
a slip of muddy air against an arrowhead sky, greens then sky, greens, then sky
along for the ride
the silence and cigarette burns, the film in my mind when
you turn to speak, you spoke in black and white
caligraphy lips
a kiss
a ticket
a black sky with rising grass and rye
i
got to get on,
you never mentioned this, being alone,
in bare feet, pacific roads
green then sea, then sky, then
sea
i
got to get on
got to get gone, and you
better come back to
me.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
zero effect
he's gone.
...
today was a good day. i got some good news from my employers about my position-- turns out i'll be mianly in charge of the creative design for menu and bardrinks!! I'll have a lot more responsibility than I bargained for as well. By september they want me to be running two locations.
crazy.
i think we finally found a place. a studio in the belltown neighbourhood, definately the bohemian mecca. it will have to do for a couple months until we can get the money saved up. the other kids in the building seem pretty nice. i just hope i will be able to move in tomorrow before check out at the motel, or i'll have to tote a suitcase, two backpacks, and two bikes around all day. i wish other people had a sense of urgency. i wish the people who offered to help, had.
seattle is a large city. it takes exactly 15 minutes to walk from central parkway in cincinnati to covington, ky, via the purple people bridge. not here.
the sound is an illusion; a mirage. anywhere you stand you feel like it's just down the next block.
mt. rainier was very bright today. sometimes the sky and the mountain are the same colour, so that all you see are the snow caps.
it's only a week, but it doesn't make any sense. am i being selfish?
i am- for the first time in a very long time- alone.
really alone.
...
i keep waiting. i'm looking for him already, as if i can catch a glimpse of his green sweater just around the corner. i think that any minute the door will open, and he will have told the taxi to turn around because he just can't leave me.
do i wish it? i try not to. his family needs him now. and i try not to think of his mother in law asking him to stay more than a week in cincinnati. i felt selfish when that made me angry. but i couldn't help it.
i only cried a little. i probably would have cried more, but i didn't watch the cab leave. maybe that's why i don't feel it so much. but instantly when i got to the balcony i ran to see if i could even spot the bumper of the car turning toward the highway, but no. it was gone.
....
and i don't know when i will get to see my baby.
mabyl.
i whisper her name at night. i close my eyes and i imagine floating to her in her bed and laying next to her and i sing to her and stroke her hair and hold her, and in that way i can fall asleep beside her.
...
i guess there isn't anything else to say now.
...
today was a good day. i got some good news from my employers about my position-- turns out i'll be mianly in charge of the creative design for menu and bardrinks!! I'll have a lot more responsibility than I bargained for as well. By september they want me to be running two locations.
crazy.
i think we finally found a place. a studio in the belltown neighbourhood, definately the bohemian mecca. it will have to do for a couple months until we can get the money saved up. the other kids in the building seem pretty nice. i just hope i will be able to move in tomorrow before check out at the motel, or i'll have to tote a suitcase, two backpacks, and two bikes around all day. i wish other people had a sense of urgency. i wish the people who offered to help, had.
seattle is a large city. it takes exactly 15 minutes to walk from central parkway in cincinnati to covington, ky, via the purple people bridge. not here.
the sound is an illusion; a mirage. anywhere you stand you feel like it's just down the next block.
mt. rainier was very bright today. sometimes the sky and the mountain are the same colour, so that all you see are the snow caps.
it's only a week, but it doesn't make any sense. am i being selfish?
i am- for the first time in a very long time- alone.
really alone.
...
i keep waiting. i'm looking for him already, as if i can catch a glimpse of his green sweater just around the corner. i think that any minute the door will open, and he will have told the taxi to turn around because he just can't leave me.
do i wish it? i try not to. his family needs him now. and i try not to think of his mother in law asking him to stay more than a week in cincinnati. i felt selfish when that made me angry. but i couldn't help it.
i only cried a little. i probably would have cried more, but i didn't watch the cab leave. maybe that's why i don't feel it so much. but instantly when i got to the balcony i ran to see if i could even spot the bumper of the car turning toward the highway, but no. it was gone.
....
and i don't know when i will get to see my baby.
mabyl.
i whisper her name at night. i close my eyes and i imagine floating to her in her bed and laying next to her and i sing to her and stroke her hair and hold her, and in that way i can fall asleep beside her.
...
i guess there isn't anything else to say now.
seizing the day
he leaves at 7 tonight.
i really have to start kicking ass in this city. i have to make people like me. i have to put on a good face. i have to be tough. i can't take any shit.
please send me some positive thoughts, i need them!
i really have to start kicking ass in this city. i have to make people like me. i have to put on a good face. i have to be tough. i can't take any shit.
please send me some positive thoughts, i need them!
Monday, June 18, 2007
super cheating at solitare
derrick leaves tomorrow for cincinnati, for the funeral. he is set to return in a week, hopefully with our little girl.
in the meanwhile, i will be here, getting set up with my new job, and continuing the arduous apartment search.
if nothing else, the green tortoise hostel is an option. i can stay there for free if i work a little.
R.I.P. Izabella
earlier this evening, derrick's three year old niece slipped into a pool and out of our world...
Izzabella was a sweet little girl, with little curly locks that always hung in her eyes.
She was Mabyl's favourite playmate.
May the universe rest her weary little soul.
Izzabella was a sweet little girl, with little curly locks that always hung in her eyes.
She was Mabyl's favourite playmate.
May the universe rest her weary little soul.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
dans la rue de la Space Needle
we made it, safe and sound, albeit a bit tired and cranky.
now if we can just find a place to stay....
viva las vegas
we rolled into vegas about 7:30 pm, with an awesome temperature of 118 degrees.
this time was a completely different experience- instead of being tourists we were able to see how people live and work, which is just like anywhere else.
derrick and i renewed our vows in the Hollywood Chapel, which is right next to the Chapel of the Bells where we married each other nearly two years ago. they tried to sell us a bunch of fanfare but we just wanted a simple little ceremony, and thankfully the minister left god out of it.
so we went to Fremont, downed a couple side cars, and lost about 12$ to the slots. all in all, a good time.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Halfway
These are pictures taken in Arizona and New Mexico, and we arrived in Vegas around 7 last night. The trip here has been amazing! I found out that I think Oklahoma is a very pretty state, and that, just because certain cows are white, doesn't necessarily make them "albino".
I have some notes from the trip I will be publishing soon. For today we have a somewhat leisurely agend, spending most of our time drunkenly wandering in and out of casinos before we hit the 10 o clock bus headed toward Seattle!
C'est exquisite, non?!?!?!
Saturday, June 9, 2007
seattle or bust
tuesday morning, 5 A.M., and we'll be gone.
i saw a bumper sticker today that said, "People who have given up on their dreams will make you abandon yours."
how many years has it been, i wonder?
go west: go home.
mandy goes home.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
la vie bohem
im learning that it is a lie.
maybe im not cut out for it.
la bohemia seemed so glamorous-- i dont know if thats the right word-- anti-glamorous and real. knowing about important things, discussing these things, using big words, ordering complicated espresso drinks, forcing myself to love black coffee and quietly and arduously developing my palate. smoking foreign cigarettes, speaking lovingly of my own experience while sizeing up those of others as better or worse than my own. tattoos, piercngs, coloured hair, angst.
what has it all amounted to?
i am ignored by the raging alcoholics who have ordered five drinks from me by ten thirty, branded with more tattoos than me, with their cool air of a difficult life, woodcuts.
no one cares, and no one ever has. i have wrongly thought otherwise of many people. at some point, i thought, it would stop making me sad.
all the kids now in their punk rock uniforms, their moussed black hair, their recycled cordourory sling bags, their cars with stickers of unpronounceable band names, who look at you incredulously or amused or both that you dont know who SANDPISS is, who speak like they recently had a lobotomy, who like to tell you stories about their friends drunk uncles that did the prison tattoos on their backs, young girls who think they are invincible, in control, or whatever else.
id like to tell them it wont get them anywhere. that living in your car is awesome, and its funny the first couple times you get thrown out of a UDF for showering in their bathrooms. a gun in your face builds character.
no one cares and no one ever has.
...
maybe im not cut out for it.
la bohemia seemed so glamorous-- i dont know if thats the right word-- anti-glamorous and real. knowing about important things, discussing these things, using big words, ordering complicated espresso drinks, forcing myself to love black coffee and quietly and arduously developing my palate. smoking foreign cigarettes, speaking lovingly of my own experience while sizeing up those of others as better or worse than my own. tattoos, piercngs, coloured hair, angst.
what has it all amounted to?
i am ignored by the raging alcoholics who have ordered five drinks from me by ten thirty, branded with more tattoos than me, with their cool air of a difficult life, woodcuts.
no one cares, and no one ever has. i have wrongly thought otherwise of many people. at some point, i thought, it would stop making me sad.
all the kids now in their punk rock uniforms, their moussed black hair, their recycled cordourory sling bags, their cars with stickers of unpronounceable band names, who look at you incredulously or amused or both that you dont know who SANDPISS is, who speak like they recently had a lobotomy, who like to tell you stories about their friends drunk uncles that did the prison tattoos on their backs, young girls who think they are invincible, in control, or whatever else.
id like to tell them it wont get them anywhere. that living in your car is awesome, and its funny the first couple times you get thrown out of a UDF for showering in their bathrooms. a gun in your face builds character.
no one cares and no one ever has.
...
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
collecting stains
i bought a bleach pen,
i hate it, because it doesn't work well.
of course i boguht the kroger brand pen. im thinking of cashing in on that money back guarantee.
so i have a cut on my leg from taking the trash out-- someone was being awesome and threw broken glass in a bag and it swung and scratched me.
this has happened before- i have a scar on my thumb when a bit of rogue glass nearly took half of it away from me.
i read a smal book on tide pools today. i learned that an octopus will eat a crab.
thats very interesting.
Monday, June 4, 2007
white oleander
im reading the novel by janet fitch.
every page is another memory of myself.
i have felt that kind of loss and sorrow and pain.
i read until i cry, and i try not to read any farther, but i can't help it.
i feel like if i can jump into the book and love Astrid i will be healed.
so far there is no healing, only half sticky banages that keep falling off, and a singing voice i used to have purloined by cigarettes and sadness.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
so long, lookout
i quit ye olde lookout joe's on sunday.
that felt pretty good.
now im officially kaldi's bitch.
horray!
that felt pretty good.
now im officially kaldi's bitch.
horray!
Friday, May 25, 2007
ultra-long day
on the bright side i am not on my period, but i didn't get any new tattoos today.
in order to keep this from happening in the future i am hereby open to monetary donations toward my new tattoos. i think-- if we all pitch in-- things could really start happening.
so what else happened...
ive worked my ass off all day. i have to admit im having a mild integrity crisis, and i feel like i need to kick my ass back on track. so i went to school today- and i was proud of myself because i yelled at some disruptive students, and i was like-- yeh...im a bitch!!!
i worked from six am til noon went to class til about 2 went to work again at 4 got home at ten.
can you say le .s.k.u.l.l.f.u.c.k.e.d
horray for long weekends.
except all i get to is work.
so.....
donations for tattoos please.
(i will bake you a pineapple upside down cake, as long as you promise not to take the cake to mt. lookout)
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Friday, May 18, 2007
lots of green tea, todayless
my caffeine addiction is kicking my ass. im so freaking tired.
im at school, which feels pointless. so this makes me angry.
im TIRED of people getting counter-shitty with me. if I am shitty with YOU first, there is probably a really fucking good reason.
i mean, for fuck sake.
i can't be nice anymore.
this is a list of all the people i still like:
4ng3, BessLAH, lo, O'Grady (thats you grady), shakey, kuhlenbacher.
and people i dont know.
the rest of you::::
.f.u.c.k.o.f.f.
im at school, which feels pointless. so this makes me angry.
im TIRED of people getting counter-shitty with me. if I am shitty with YOU first, there is probably a really fucking good reason.
i mean, for fuck sake.
i can't be nice anymore.
this is a list of all the people i still like:
4ng3, BessLAH, lo, O'Grady (thats you grady), shakey, kuhlenbacher.
and people i dont know.
the rest of you::::
.f.u.c.k.o.f.f.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
my first moms day
twas nice, i made some cheese pudding with cranberries and juniper berries. it was a hit!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
to jeremy, who moved away
i think i sent you an email a few days ago with derricks number because my phone was missing. i have it back now but i didnt recognize the 970 so i didnt answer- somehow my information has been leaked to totalbankruptcy.com and i keep getting weird calls from lawyers trying to lend a hand, so i thought you were one of them, haha!
anyway i replied to a few of your picture emails- they were all so gorgeous, and you looked so happy in them. i like how you matched the colour of your cast to the colour of the sky! you'd always match by default!
it seems like you're enjoying it so much, i can't wait to come visit!
school is busy, i've somehow fallen into three jobs right now- all at various coffeeshops and teahouses around the city. im bartending at kaldi's on the weekends, and i'm taking over a management posiiton at essencha in oakley in june, and i'm working sundays at lookout joes in mt. lookout. i have school from 10AM to 10PM monday and wednesday, and for two hours on friday.
i stopped taking my anti anger meds, because i was getting angrier, haha! so i think i'm getting back to normal. i've been successful in ostracizing myself almost entirely from everyone i know, which is wonderful. i like having everyone mad at me because then i dont have to deal with them. and- i'm so lame anyhow. i'm in bed by 930 if i can help it at night. i have no energy or patience suddenly with other people- but i think youd be way proud of me because im sticking up for myself and saying whats on my mind. im learning how to not doubt myself, and ive learned recently, thats the root of all my problems.
so i make myself go harder now, on everything. i look at mabyl and i just keep moving. its so hard to not be with her as much. i often feel like something is gone, and im not myself when shes not around. you know whats funny- you know how youre a kid and you wake up in the middle of the night so you climbe into bed with your parents and you feel safe? thats how she makes me feel.
i applied for a personal chef position with some fat cat family in hyde park- i met all the qualifications they were asking for, and the woman (kim, i take it) and i exchanged some lovely emails. (this gets interesting, trust me)
we were discussing a time to meet- they pay was insane and without demanding hours, and i impressed her, but I decide to write an email to all my friends (mostly in name, because acquaintance is so archaic) telling them im tired of them calling me and to fuck off, basically and (oops) accidentaly copied Kim's email address into the mailing chain.
so she replies that "after receiving your email i no longer think you are a good fit for the position"
DAMN!! I set her a concise email apologizing and offered a quick explanation and said i hope we could work things out, haha! That SUCKS!! totally shot myself in the foot!
if you cant laught at yourself....
so, in short- check your email!!!!
miss you,
ill call you tomorrow,
love ya,
m.
anyway i replied to a few of your picture emails- they were all so gorgeous, and you looked so happy in them. i like how you matched the colour of your cast to the colour of the sky! you'd always match by default!
it seems like you're enjoying it so much, i can't wait to come visit!
school is busy, i've somehow fallen into three jobs right now- all at various coffeeshops and teahouses around the city. im bartending at kaldi's on the weekends, and i'm taking over a management posiiton at essencha in oakley in june, and i'm working sundays at lookout joes in mt. lookout. i have school from 10AM to 10PM monday and wednesday, and for two hours on friday.
i stopped taking my anti anger meds, because i was getting angrier, haha! so i think i'm getting back to normal. i've been successful in ostracizing myself almost entirely from everyone i know, which is wonderful. i like having everyone mad at me because then i dont have to deal with them. and- i'm so lame anyhow. i'm in bed by 930 if i can help it at night. i have no energy or patience suddenly with other people- but i think youd be way proud of me because im sticking up for myself and saying whats on my mind. im learning how to not doubt myself, and ive learned recently, thats the root of all my problems.
so i make myself go harder now, on everything. i look at mabyl and i just keep moving. its so hard to not be with her as much. i often feel like something is gone, and im not myself when shes not around. you know whats funny- you know how youre a kid and you wake up in the middle of the night so you climbe into bed with your parents and you feel safe? thats how she makes me feel.
i applied for a personal chef position with some fat cat family in hyde park- i met all the qualifications they were asking for, and the woman (kim, i take it) and i exchanged some lovely emails. (this gets interesting, trust me)
we were discussing a time to meet- they pay was insane and without demanding hours, and i impressed her, but I decide to write an email to all my friends (mostly in name, because acquaintance is so archaic) telling them im tired of them calling me and to fuck off, basically and (oops) accidentaly copied Kim's email address into the mailing chain.
so she replies that "after receiving your email i no longer think you are a good fit for the position"
DAMN!! I set her a concise email apologizing and offered a quick explanation and said i hope we could work things out, haha! That SUCKS!! totally shot myself in the foot!
if you cant laught at yourself....
so, in short- check your email!!!!
miss you,
ill call you tomorrow,
love ya,
m.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
sore throat
AND i got to wake up with blood all over me, so that was cool.
you know- i really dislike alanis morisette.
you know- i really dislike alanis morisette.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
the power of the BLOG compels you
xoxoxo!!!
4ng3 is officially my new blog friend!!!
and i have her graduation pic!!!
Thursday, May 3, 2007
.f.u.c.k.o.f.f. mt. lookout
ha!
i just got a sweet new job.
so long mt.L, and thanks for all the soul-crushing, mind-numbing- effete, new-money, fagmi bullshit!
you guys were just terrific!
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
cafe au lait
damnit. no foto once again.
a cafe au lait (calf-fay-OH-lay) is hot coffee and hot milk. and thats why i find it funny when people affecting poor fren-CHAISSE!! aK-SANTZ!! it le makes me laff.
if i werent 24 i'd swear i was going thru menopause. all of the sudden my skin is on fye-AHH!!
im hungry but its midnight.
uncool.
a cafe au lait (calf-fay-OH-lay) is hot coffee and hot milk. and thats why i find it funny when people affecting poor fren-CHAISSE!! aK-SANTZ!! it le makes me laff.
if i werent 24 i'd swear i was going thru menopause. all of the sudden my skin is on fye-AHH!!
im hungry but its midnight.
uncool.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
sans foto
its rare but i have drank too much coffee--- i blame this on my new creation, a frozen butterscotch-white chocolate mocha with whip cream, i must have drank 5 tonight--- so i am up fucking around. everyone is asleep except the loud crazies that run around in the ghetto at night. if they aren't in by sun up they turn to dust.
i watched sleepy hollow, which was lame. it was lame the first time i saw it too, but not as lame as it was edited by tbs. (praise the lord!!!) i tried to demand the dentist from time warner but they were like, "no, not now, we're....busy, with........things, um.... try calling your service provider??" i guess i'll have to join netflix or something. its my only option, because i'm not allowed within ten feet of any blockbuster or hollywood video in the tristate area, as well as port orchard, washington.
thats ok. i'm not much for tv anyway.
i think ringworm is scary. i think i would actually cut my skin off if i had it. gross. i mean, thats just really really gross.
sexually frustrated is only one way of saying it. it sucks when husbands are irrevocably asleep.
i need more tattoos!!!!!
i watched sleepy hollow, which was lame. it was lame the first time i saw it too, but not as lame as it was edited by tbs. (praise the lord!!!) i tried to demand the dentist from time warner but they were like, "no, not now, we're....busy, with........things, um.... try calling your service provider??" i guess i'll have to join netflix or something. its my only option, because i'm not allowed within ten feet of any blockbuster or hollywood video in the tristate area, as well as port orchard, washington.
thats ok. i'm not much for tv anyway.
i think ringworm is scary. i think i would actually cut my skin off if i had it. gross. i mean, thats just really really gross.
sexually frustrated is only one way of saying it. it sucks when husbands are irrevocably asleep.
i need more tattoos!!!!!
Friday, April 27, 2007
i (also) heart my vagina
i just have to say that i have been finding more articles lately written by conservative white men about what i am allowed to do and not to do with my reproductive organs. these men consider themselves foremost authorities on things like the uterus, and know best how to properly care for them.
am i them only one who is outraged? paws off!!! i do whatever the hell i please with my lady parts- you don't see women getting all bent out of shape when they find their husbands doubled over themselves with their cocks half in their mouths, now do you?
Sunday, April 22, 2007
extra fade
i dont know how much longer
it wont be long
not long at all
im starting to forget again
im starting not to recognize
and i don't know how to stop it
stop it
stop it
Friday, April 20, 2007
appendectomy, done orally
i decided my biggest fear is of becomming numb.
i've been numb before, but it never used to feel so bad.
and there is a huge looming danger in that possibility.
i will become an amnesiac to you, to me, to love- a shell, a whisper a ghost will be all
i leave behind.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
elsewhere
this is washington park as seen from my window.
it's like im not even in cincinnati, which is wonderful.
if only that were true...
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