sigh...

well, here it is.
i'm officially stuck, and i'm not handling it well.
at this point (to be fair, at ALL points) i am just trying to maintain some semblance of calm and patience. i am giveing an ernest go at choosing my words and my battles.
the side effect of this is a slow manner of speaking which i find offends people.
THIS as opposed to my quick and sharp-tongued insultery-with-a-smile m.o.

i come off in two-ways: passive or rude.

i am not attempting to bottle anything up or hold anything in, rather to quietly deal with irritations and aggrvations as they occur, allow myself to feel angry or wronged by them, but quickly find a positive way in which the problem can be dealt with or solved, and then forgive whomever (MYSELF included), if applicable.

otherwise (aside from a few small outbursts, warranted or not) i have been polite, forthcoming, helpful, and curteous. and TRUTHFUL.

i have decided to start saying what i think.

i think this:

THIS WORLD IS FULL OF SELFISH, HATEFUL PEOPLE. IT IS FULL OF VICTIMS AND MARTYRS. IT IS FULL OF HYPOCRISY AND LIES. AND I KNOW SOME OF THESE PEOPLE, INTIMATELY.

therefore i resolve to offer compassion instead of ambivilance.

and to keep myself under a close watch. i can feel all the walls breathing on me. i have to find a way to release this anger.

"Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come..."
m.j.k.