zero effect

he's gone.



...


today was a good day. i got some good news from my employers about my position-- turns out i'll be mianly in charge of the creative design for menu and bardrinks!! I'll have a lot more responsibility than I bargained for as well. By september they want me to be running two locations.

crazy.

i think we finally found a place. a studio in the belltown neighbourhood, definately the bohemian mecca. it will have to do for a couple months until we can get the money saved up. the other kids in the building seem pretty nice. i just hope i will be able to move in tomorrow before check out at the motel, or i'll have to tote a suitcase, two backpacks, and two bikes around all day. i wish other people had a sense of urgency. i wish the people who offered to help, had.

seattle is a large city. it takes exactly 15 minutes to walk from central parkway in cincinnati to covington, ky, via the purple people bridge. not here.

the sound is an illusion; a mirage. anywhere you stand you feel like it's just down the next block.

mt. rainier was very bright today. sometimes the sky and the mountain are the same colour, so that all you see are the snow caps.

it's only a week, but it doesn't make any sense. am i being selfish?

i am- for the first time in a very long time- alone.

really alone.

...

i keep waiting. i'm looking for him already, as if i can catch a glimpse of his green sweater just around the corner. i think that any minute the door will open, and he will have told the taxi to turn around because he just can't leave me.

do i wish it? i try not to. his family needs him now. and i try not to think of his mother in law asking him to stay more than a week in cincinnati. i felt selfish when that made me angry. but i couldn't help it.

i only cried a little. i probably would have cried more, but i didn't watch the cab leave. maybe that's why i don't feel it so much. but instantly when i got to the balcony i ran to see if i could even spot the bumper of the car turning toward the highway, but no. it was gone.

....

and i don't know when i will get to see my baby.

mabyl.

i whisper her name at night. i close my eyes and i imagine floating to her in her bed and laying next to her and i sing to her and stroke her hair and hold her, and in that way i can fall asleep beside her.

...

i guess there isn't anything else to say now.