my, my...

i've decided i miss people, and
i didn't realize how much time had gone by between us.

you in indiana-
i think it is funny
how we stay connected, always somehow
we always know a little about each other
but
not in that acquaintance-semipermeable type of way

it is more a sincere, far off admiration
like lighthouses
marking a dock you won't ever moor
some strange, absent nostalgia
and a love
that beckons but doesn't belong

sad the way i feel i would look at you
if we we together

my heart opens
no matter how shut the door becomes

and for you
a special place, always
in my soul...

***

however-

today just so happened to be one of the most productive days of my existence
i am proud of myself
i (all by myself)
got very close to being almost out of debt
almost as 100% as possible
and it is so freeing

and i did it
no one else

heh

i LIKE it...

****

and i miss you,
in vegas
in new england or maui
or...

where did you go?

sometimes your silence
resonates so profound
and my thoughts often lead to you
and this time your quiet
is stark
and final-feeling

i could dream speak
but you would ignore it anyway

it just-
it isn't our time
yet and still

i love you
just the same
but
that won't matter now

i worry that it ever will

****

what a day
a long day
and i am up
indulging in my lethargy of the late nights
my wine- my constant companion
my racing thoughts
and longing for narcotics...

a wanderlust for the extreme sweetness invoked by a mere shot in the vein of my well-doing
i want to be sweet to you
to the world
and forget my misplace anger
and out-of-sorts- it
ought to be my last resort, yeh
well....

top dollar offers
but i am still waiting

****

so well,
looking forward to four hours of a wine induced nap-
a nap now
not even sleep
in the daylight i go back to what is commonly known as
ME
--
mandy-the-show
professional
orderly and obedient
and
"that was a good close"
you know-

thats all i got to me-



somedays,
maybe.

*****

and you
my sweet, broken shouldered
newfound
handsome something

my mind swims thru thoughts of you
memories i have
to build an entire future
your warmth
is what i am after
safe and sound
in my van

or your arms

the cold ground
that is always breaking...

i am breathing
and drinking
and readying myself for another smoke
my 100,000th of the day

heart beats away

come on now, you old apocalypse....

i only have so much time to waste....