.u.n.h.i.p.

i don't fit in.

this is true anywhere, but mostly among my peers. i simply cannot follow most of what they're saying.

confused? don't be.

i am 25, but i may as well be 80.

i work with about 30 people, 99% of which are under 27, and i feel we have nothing in common. essentially, i am the resident pariah.

integration isn't my strong point.

but this could be due to the fact that i don't cavort with them outside of work (that whole "fraternizing" clause, although my managerial counterpart is the glue holding the clique together)

or it could be because i have real, grown-up responsibilities, such as a family. combine that with being among the 1% of those employeed who DOESN'T live with their parents, and reasons start lining up like dominoes.

thus, i have no "I'm SO hungover-Jefferson Hall-Jager Bomb-vomiting at random" style stories to share. my stories are mostly recalled from a time when i didn't appreciate the expanse of my youth.

now i'm a "mommy"

and i suppose "mommies" aren't very exciting.

it's as if i piss myself out of excitement when i put a fresh bag in the vaccuum cleaner.

but truly, i have never felt at ease with my generation.

i feel like i'm standing on the gound looking up at them, like hot air balloons, wearing funny graphic t's and girl friday hats: but the clouds are all catching fire and i'm yelling at them to come back down, but i'm speaking in some extra-planatery tongue which no one can understand.

it's a code, i think. and i missed the part in high school where they teach you the code that makes you cool forever.


this is fine.
i'm ok with being square, and misunderstood, and speaking in ways no one can understand.

derrick tells me i have an ability to make peeople feel normal, but i think this is only because other people make me feel abnormal.

so here is what i have:

a mindful of novellas, largely unfinished
collections of words and ideas, half-chewed
an incinerator
and a bird, who watches for me, and helps me think in the upper echelons of the atmosphere, because i am here, and as well, i am there

i can notice
i can notice you holding your breath in a crowded room with no mirrors
i can look at you and see right into the deepest muddy fault lines of your soul,
although you would never know

my true talent is the veneer i raise like a shield

you cannot see in

but i can see through

****

also:

i got a new tattoo!!