over and more

today was my last day of "classes"
really this entailed an algebra final (which i feel strongly about)
and my final crit in my studio class, wherein my instructor finally recognized my prowess
he described my style as "loose" which makes sense
cos, you know
i'm a willow charcoal kind of girl

that being said
it was an ultra long night at work, fraught with nonsense

i had to use my "stern manager" voice to break up some ridiculous arguements
but really it all comes don to parenting

when i was in atlanta for Sandy's funeral
her husband Pat and i spoke a little on the topic of parenting and he said:

"I just wanted to raise a good person"

i like that

i also like the line from Spanglish
where the hispanic mother asks her daughter

"Was it your wish to be someone so very different from me?"

i have been thinking a lot lately about my influence on my daughter
and how i would like her to think about me when she is older

i want her to think i am sweet and kind and loving
i want her to know she is always with me

one of my favourite songstresses, Poe,
has a song entitled "Hello"
and i have heard it millions (maybe) of times
but today i'm listening to it on the way to school and
a lyric catches me off-guard as i am singing (full throttle lung action)
which is:

"mothers are trails on stars in the night"

i know these words, i unconsciously sing them
and it hit me in the chest and i started bawling

in a way, i suppose, i feel as if mabyl can never catch me
because i am constantly being pulled away from her
be it work, school, or whatever else

i certainly felt that way about my own mother
and as a child i had these fantastical ideas about who she was
i thought she was some sort of magical fairy
who made all the bad things disappear
and who would rescue me from all the evils in the world, but

things don't happen like that

i tell myself over and over
it is different with mabyl and i
because every moment i am away i am working to come back to her

i just cry

****

sometimes it is all you can do