me vs. karma

a lump sum of some gigantic amount has been lifted off my karmatic credit report today.

at this point i feel like im just whining, and i probably am. enneagrammatically speaking i am a 4/5 (bohemian, vive la vie [so funny how i glamourized this type of dirty, go nowhere lifestyle, a lighter and an alley way and all kinds of bullshit])- but, yes- a 4/5, meaning my tragic flaw is always wanting. waiting for a faceless rescuer, who never comes, or if they do come aren't what i really want, i push people away- even though i claim that they run- and i am addicted to tobacco and lonliness.

an ex once sneered when he told me i had an "artist heart".

i realize years later it was meant as an insult.