redempt....ion; transgression, translucent

there are
armies in our heads.
what is the value of huiman life, really?

truer words, for transients

:::there's a fool on every corner when you're trying to get home:::

-r.cash

.ever. .after.

i found my hard heart in the street

right where you left it

funny we should meet

and never regret it

and i said,

i say

things i will not mean

i played you like a string

the whole time, the whole theme

was wanting you to dissipate

you know, you know

im evil that way.

.m.i.d. air

i suppose the graffiti of nostalgia will remain. oh god.... i sound like the local clerisy, quoting themselves for posterity, fleeting as it may be.

like anyone cares.

someone at work mused today about the "point" of a blog. i mused about the viscosity of their "soul"; see also: "synapse" and "functionality of...".

it's not so much that i want people to read this, it's the off chance that somebody MIGHT read this, and "they" MAY feel some sort of "connection" to what i'm gisting, because my words fail me many, many times.

strange. if i could talk in shapes (dodecahedrons, perhaps) it may be easier for others to act like i'm human. essentially, however, i am alone- not in the universe- but in my mind. i feel like alice.

soren kierkegaard said- "if i do not express the universal, no one can understand me." (from Fear and Trembling)

i like that idea, that there is a continuity in it all. not only am i Po-Mo, i'm existential!

(that bit about the po-mo was a joke)

it's important to find the albatross.

i make wings out of feeling. i make love to the world with my eyes. and i have loved you- one thousand sunsets over, and still i would be never nearer to the trueness of your lips...

hollandaise

i hate hollandaise.

"phew, for a minute there..."

its nearly april.

i had a test just now, and once again i am afraid i bombed it.

i have a test two hours from now. which is very exciting.

presently there are no words to describe the tumult in my head. slowly the medication numbs me to a dull roar, soon i will be tamed, and eventually extinct.

i watch people. as much as i try to feel like i belong to the species, i can't. their faces make clear the vast, vaccuous landscapes of their minds.

we all are dying.

we all are.

prioritize

yes. organize.

my brain argued with itself the whole way there, so i couldn't go, without a thought i put in a call, and it was all done- except now- i sit here with broken hips, wondering how much i have to do until i am proven....

i feel "stranded in montana." every chance i got i smoked a cigarette, now i'm only flawed trying to thaw, i have no automatic defrost and its in my knees and out my mouth....

i had a dream about the time i was fifteen, and the fault lines in my head began to quiver- in sepia i cried to my parents, begging for help, and after being ignored cut my wrists open, but while my skin split no blood was present, or made...

like it evaporated,

as i do now.

youth

true in a million years i am twenty four. tomorrow looms, and proves to be difficult.

so stretched out. a pain in my neck reminds me i have one. tests, and work, and light years away from anything soft and gentle.

i like guys with long hair. i like guys with scars, tattoos. i like men with jazz names.

hee hee- tonight at the 'shop a regular comes in and i offer him a piece of chocolate and he says "baby, i already got me some chocolate. organic chocolate!"

i like dirty men... who also know their boundaries.

mostly i love sexual tension. long thin fingers of lust that hold your throat, for a little while....

idee fixe

someone said to me- "my primary interest is in this chocolate cookie."

i wish it were that simple.

out of air

out of patience
out of concern


this is where you end and the rest of the world still is,

goodbye, then.

in cycles, in circles

i feel differently about my birthday this year. i took it very quietly, i spent much of it alone. i had a few beautiful hours of mommy and mabyl time.

i can't tell anymore if i am sad. i learned i walk around like a zombie. i learned i am emotionless.

im learning to wait beofe the kill. to slow down as i talk.

thinking before speaking.

i keep forgetting how long it has been since i have seen you, and the lenght in which it will be until i do.

sleep well.

check me out

hi. i am twenty four.

giving myself a break

knives out.

today there has been thunder and rain, and i have decided i will not go to my culinary lab tonight, even though i should- i should not miss a class- or any classes, but this is my birthday week, and i don't have one (not a one) not a single day off to celebrate, im so busy, spread so thin, i need this night to chill with my sweet husband and relax.

i'm tired of everyone. people are mowing my soul to a fine powder.

i can't think about the points i've lost forever. i can't think im losing my edge, nerve, drive or determination. fuck that. i know what i want to do. i know what i am capable of. no one else in the world is going to give me time. no one else in the world knows anything.

i want to turn off the sky.

i need tonight, tonight is mine.

almost older

someone said something to me, about tragedies, based on assumptions of what they believed i have or have not seen, and scoffed at the idea of my life being torn apart more than once.

is it lonely up there on your platitude?

________________X_________________

i'm unsure of where you all went, scattered like stars when god sneezed, or the other one shot himself.

i feel like a little sister to a generation who thinks i am idealistic and bobble headed, despite my intellect.

i have been told i remind them of themselves- you know, back when they were .a.l.i.v.e.

human .a.n.i.m.a.l.s.

"...certainly no beast has essayed the boundless, infinately inventive art of human hatred. No beast can match its range and power."

-Arundhati Roy

invisibility + 1

somedays it is actually difficult not to dig the ground and bury myself alive.

i want to sink, i want to fade. i want to dissipate like breath into cold

i want to be far, far away.

far

far away sounds like the kiss of sugar on the lips,

a quick mouth, or fist,

what you left behind in the red shadow of light
i find my sweet senility,

i believe
i believe

in invisibility.

.b.l.o.o.d.y.h.e.l.l.

thank god.

i thought i was pregnant.

far from the tree

theres so much to do.

just so much.

me vs. karma

a lump sum of some gigantic amount has been lifted off my karmatic credit report today.

at this point i feel like im just whining, and i probably am. enneagrammatically speaking i am a 4/5 (bohemian, vive la vie [so funny how i glamourized this type of dirty, go nowhere lifestyle, a lighter and an alley way and all kinds of bullshit])- but, yes- a 4/5, meaning my tragic flaw is always wanting. waiting for a faceless rescuer, who never comes, or if they do come aren't what i really want, i push people away- even though i claim that they run- and i am addicted to tobacco and lonliness.

an ex once sneered when he told me i had an "artist heart".

i realize years later it was meant as an insult.

your orange

funny.

if that was true you would have said anything to me by now.

too late.

crime scene part 2

tonight, tonight i will eat the sky.

and then,

"As I dream all the evidence
Is piling up against me
As I breathe all the essence rare
Is falling off the vine
And if you knew, just how smooth
I could stop it on the dime
You could meet me at the
scene of the crime"

g.dulli

.....

now what?

ireland hairless

its time once again to shave my head.

when it is all over i will look like this cat. with smaller, less erect ears.

but wait, there's more!!

.o.u.r. song

""Hey, let's cross the sea
and get some culture.
Red wine with every meal
and absinthe after dinner.
We'd look good side by side
walking back to the hotel

We've got to get something
to eat and to drink yeah,
and find a place to stay
that's not far off the main way-
we've got to plan our day:
Rodan and the Orsay
and find a way to cram it all in
before we drink hard again

Let's get a bottle and drink alone tonight
Let's get a bottle and drink alone tonight

'This light looks good on you,'
morning came early.
Sitting on a park bench
that's older than my country
Two star hotel
near St. Germain.
Two star hotel
where the stars don't mean anything.""

m.t.b.

over, over, over

i am no longer convinced of an inborn sense of evil. evil is what you choose. evil is what you do. you can hide behind whatever sheet of white you wish, but you cannot run from what truly lives in your heart.

it is something one nurtures over time. you allow yourself to feel hate, and you allow yourself to forget.

when all is at last au sec, and i am alone, what is my motivation to feel safe?

i don't.

now i am running off protective fossil fuels one gains from becomming a parent.

protection born from terror. i am in terror. i am angry.

there are so many, many things i want to shout- i want to push them face first into truth, i want to watch their heart purified in fire, not death- death is a cave, no- death is freedom. what right do you have to be freed?

and what right have i to judge?

i can do this much- i can forgive.

and i can promise if you come again you will not live.

little match girl

"When a star falls, a heart stops beating!"

an internal sabbatical

people aren't good. i keep repeating this but it won't compute.
i belong under the ground.
i belong far away from my face, my heart, my arms.

i hope in time this makes me less pretty.

or maybe you were looking too hard in the first place.

"that you were once unkind befriends me now"

you can't be frozen with fear if you are trembling.

"fade like a sigh..."

cerebus, hell's guardian, takes residence in my hips.

i can't remember what voltaire said- what circle of hell liar's fall to. i do remember the eye was a frozen core, where a great beast cried eternally.

otherwise....

acid causes your brain to bleed,

and this may directly result in a total lack of poingnancy,or even
real
words.

zen belly

i.
am.
the.
calm.
center.


i am
the
calm
center.

i.a..m.t..h...e...c.....a...l.m...

on thieves and liars...

there is an enigma about the city that walks with me in the catacombs of alleyways and parking lots that reminds me of a deliciously lonely time in my life, makes me dirty, makes my skin like sand, makes me eyes falls, my heart close.

i long for deep nights and dark highways, and the promise of nothing over the horizon- but this is not new.

no newer or nearer than my liar's heart-
and if you even guess for a moment measured against the heartbeat of a hummingbird that i am lying- then it's true.

ironic, but so it goes.

liars are thieves, too.

ubiquity of black holes

"Run desire run
Sexual being
Run him like a blade
To and through the heart
No conscience
One Motive
Cater to the hollow

Screaming feed me here
Fill me up again
Temporarily pacify this hungering
So grow
Libido throw
Dominoes of indiscretions down
Falling all around
In cycles
In circles
Constantly consuming
Conquer and devour

Cause it's time to bring the fire down
Bridle all this indiscretion
Long enough to edify
And permanently fill this hollow

Screaming feed me here
Fill me up again
Temporarily pacifying

Feed me here
Fill me up again
Temporarily pacifying"

all the many ways i disintergrate

i dreamt last night of a dark dolphin coming from the water to kiss my cheek in the sky.

i heard someone say something so beautiful, even leonard cohen would have stepped back.

and i have heard about this ability in me to inspire love. Love?
when the next words that hang me, something about acoutrements and distortions of a deviluar kind, and i come to find before me a long stretched out desert, tired and thirsty for this one, this phoenix (right) who can inspire so much love,

and yet,

you all run in the end.

and i return to eleven
the hemits eyes see whats down in my soul as he hands my my own grey reaper and utterly i am

.a.l.o.n.e.