codicil

i just now-- this very moment-- confirmed the amount of time in which it will take to open Brylan's is "indefinate".

i will be kept ABREAST of things.

was i not pulling my weight?

....or what?

???

hopefully by spring..... grrrrrr, this is lame.

mighty lame.

for those who don't know...

as my wave of alluring elusivity wanes on, i felt it would be reasonable to post an update:::

i am essentially working three jobs-- YES i am still opening "that coffeeshop" (its called Brylan's) but we've had some setbacks with the house and things are just moving slow overall-- so i stop in from time to time to check the progress.... it'll be a while.

so as not to get out of practice, i work a few mornings a week at a coffeeshop called espresso 2 (or espresso squared) where my boss thinks i have no idea what i'm doing, as if english were my second language. i dont even want to talk about it.

i work nights at Shooters Sports Grill in Loveland. when it is busy i do very well. im still new there so i havent been given any of the best sections yet. im hoping people will quit.

in my down time i enjoy activities such as being a wife and mother, sleeping, eating, and cleaning up shit, both from babies and dogs.

i'm in a pretty anti-social place. i prefer not to venture outside the house unless it is dark and i cant see other people. i'm in need of privacy and the only place that occurs is in the car.

this feels like penance.

****

a lady in the gas station tonight couldnt get my goji juice to ring up properly, so she tried to give me the drink for free, but i INSISTED i pay for it, and once she got the price for the juice i paid her with the exact change but she says not to worry about the PENNY and i was like "Oh No You Dont" and i sat there and dug out what i owed her and i left and derrick was laughing at me, but you know what:::

I was tempted, and I rose above it,

damnit.

mandy:: 1

karma::: 0

is my whore showing?

i missed serving.
i really did.

some lady called me a "waitress" today-- i felt it was archaic.

"yes," i said, "but also i'm a person. sometimes I go out to eat."

well, i didn't SAY it, but it was definately reflected in my body language and 50-watt smile.

theres something about the restaurant that always makes me go back. sure the money is outstanding, and you know, i'm not above winking at an old man for an extra dollar. i once let a pastor smack my ass.

and if you tip me well enough-- for long enough-- i will marry you and have your child.

whores and radiators

it has been three months since i quit smoking.

i had one today.

i was unremarkable, but not bad.

i dont want another one now.

perhaps it is attributable to the sadness im hoisting these days.

someone who has all my things keeps trying to reach me, and i keep thinking "they were just things"

and they were

and i have nothing, no things

i was woken up from a nap and there was anger and noise and more sadness

words are just things, too, right

yeah,

thats all.

breed out

http://www.vhemt.org/

i wish i knew more about links and things on the "interweb"

but this site is about Voulentary Human Extinction-- they make some pretty interesting points, and I have to say I am not opposed to what they're about...

.c.a.s.h.

...out there on the Yuma Flats i heard a story of seven people dead in the sand, the sun, like a pied piper, lied as they marched on-- in the circles they left footprints and bootprints and never named a single one...


"Don't you know heartaches are heroes when their pockets are full"

...i do, and deserts, too, always crossed by some Kerouac plot, but i know it is only the dirt and the sand that stay and stand still...


...too true, the taxi ride of wind, i could dream as hard as i can, to the west and north, and still not cast the slightest shadow over my shoulder...

it makes me cry

this is the Yangtze River Dolphin, the only species of freshwater dolphin in the world- there hasn't been one seen alive since 2002.



this dolphin is listed as Critially Endangered (Possibly Extinct)

In Indonesia, Orangutangs are killed as pests. They are listed as Critically Endangered.

It's hard to imagine our world without animals we grew up fascinated by as kids.

http://www.arkive.org/species/GES/

This link will take you to the updated Red List of endangered species.

We have to start caring.

Our world is dying.

"smile on your brother"

derrick frequents the veteran's hospital due to his knee injury. it's frustrating, because since he is 27 (almost) i feel like the doctors don't take him seriously, even with the MRI which they point to and declare:: "Youve got the knee of an 80 year old man."

going there is always a unique experience. the pain is palpable. so many people- some very old, some very young-- some have no legs, others are blind. many are older men who sit all day to socialize and share war stories.

sometimes it is very difficult to be there. whenever i go, i find myself fighting back tears.

the vietnam veterans are among the worst. they wander from lobby to lobby muttering to themselves. in their eyes you wonder if they are seeing the blue and white halls, the tv screens displaying codes and numbers-- or if they are seeing jungles, if they are hearing machine guns and people screaming.

i watch these people get shuffled around and around. it's as if the administrators and doctors don't know what to do with them. they give them a piece of paper, a floor number, a colour. pouring water into one bucket, into another, into another....

i get so sad. the way they get treated is an injustice.

*******

it's a very difficult wave of emotions to describe, and my eyes dampen just to think of it. if you haven't been in a veteran's hospital, i think you should go and sit and listen and feel these people. even if you never have a conversation with anyone, to go and sit there can be a truly moving experience, and everytime i walk away from that place i appreciate what i have more than i used to...

bad, bad days

a person whom i have been close to for the past ten years of my life is not the person i thought he was.

in order to make himself look better in the eyes of a woman he has had to lie about me and the relationship the two of us used to have.

in high school we would talk for hours on the phone telling each other dark secrets about ourselves.

we went thru large periods of discovery together.

for a while we were always there for each other, and i loved him, and felt like i would always have this friend.

since the start of this year our friendship has been strained, and i have wondered why he hadn't been returning my calls, or shown any interest in getting together.

i found out earlier this week that his girlfriend doesn't like me, and that would have been fine left at that.

what i have come to learn is that he has been making up outrageous stories about me to her in order to appease her insecurities, or make himself look like a better person or a combination of the two.

i have always thought of myself as a mostly reasonable person, but the things he said (OH, the THINGS he had the NERVE to say) have hurt me so badly. under my new philosophy (and what a very close friend had told me was "the bad things people do only have the substance YOU give them") i tried to pass the feelings quietly and release the hurt and anger and know that it was not my doing, it was in the heart of my friend, and had been there for some time, because these things are so deeply rooted-- but in the end, it was the length of time, and all my efforts put into our friendship that got the better of me, and while i wouldn't say i lashed out, i DID make my feelings clear.

they fell on deaf ears.

but i have said what i needed to say, and i can leave it at that because i have to accept that this may never (and most likely WILL never) be repaired. and i am left to mourn the death of a once wonderful friendship.

how long, i wonder, has this been the case?

i can only believe it to be recently. maybe i just want to believe that.

whatever reason or action or domino effect that has taken place THIS will be my final summation, and it is

AS WE GROW, WE LOSE. AS WE GAIN, WE TIRE. AS WE ARE GATHERED, WE ARE LEFT. WE ARE ALWAYS MET TO BE FORGOT.
AND THE FASTEST WAY TO EACH OTHERS HEARTS IS NEVER A STRAIGHT LINE...

just words

thank you very much.

i almost posted them here, but decided against it.

another one of those things.

how do you always know?

.p.i.o.u.s.

.considrer it done.

om mani padma hum

growing V

vegan life is treating me well, although I am allowing myself something non-vegan (like a slice of banana bread-- no cheese, plain milk, etc...) once or twice a week.

when you cut dairy from your diet entirely, after so long your body no longer furnishes the enzymes needed to digest it.

....

so there.

i feel great-- like i have more energy-- my body feels better and people are asking me if i have lost weight.

i will be in a bikini by february.

sigh...

well, here it is.
i'm officially stuck, and i'm not handling it well.
at this point (to be fair, at ALL points) i am just trying to maintain some semblance of calm and patience. i am giveing an ernest go at choosing my words and my battles.
the side effect of this is a slow manner of speaking which i find offends people.
THIS as opposed to my quick and sharp-tongued insultery-with-a-smile m.o.

i come off in two-ways: passive or rude.

i am not attempting to bottle anything up or hold anything in, rather to quietly deal with irritations and aggrvations as they occur, allow myself to feel angry or wronged by them, but quickly find a positive way in which the problem can be dealt with or solved, and then forgive whomever (MYSELF included), if applicable.

otherwise (aside from a few small outbursts, warranted or not) i have been polite, forthcoming, helpful, and curteous. and TRUTHFUL.

i have decided to start saying what i think.

i think this:

THIS WORLD IS FULL OF SELFISH, HATEFUL PEOPLE. IT IS FULL OF VICTIMS AND MARTYRS. IT IS FULL OF HYPOCRISY AND LIES. AND I KNOW SOME OF THESE PEOPLE, INTIMATELY.

therefore i resolve to offer compassion instead of ambivilance.

and to keep myself under a close watch. i can feel all the walls breathing on me. i have to find a way to release this anger.

"Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come..."
m.j.k.

money and guns

what is it about money that fucks people up so badly?

40 grand is a LOT of cash.

a fucking LOT.

but-- does 40,000$ cover a college tuition?

if it does, i have nary a soapbox to stand on...