i hate it with a unique loathing and amusement-
not because i am embittered, entirely
and not because i am cynical, entirely---> although i am --->
just not entirely.
***
it isn't that i can't trust;
i can do that too.
i trust in the way you walk a dog using a retractable leash.
not too close, not too far
and i can put a stop to your advances with a flick of my wrist,
yes- but
for a little while you are ahead
and i curiously watch
5 feet
7 feet
12 feet back.
you know-
whatever.
***
i can trust.
it is a tepid sort of trust.
but it's there.
((tepidly))
***
this might all be easier if i weren't psychic-
wait--->
that sounds campy.
ok,
i am not psychic-
i do not know:
1. the name of the street you grew up on
2. the name of your uncle who died recently, whose handkerchief magically appeared in your sock drawer the morning of his funeral
3. how many pets you have, or
4. if you have an std
see. i just don't know these things.
really, i don't want to.
so don't tell me.
i'm not psychic
i'm intuitive
to a paranormal degree
i can feel you
i can feel you now, here on my skin
if you are close enough
i can feel your pulse
and the blood coasting thru your veins
i can hear your thoughts
i can tell your insecurities
and your pain
your soul
like an x-ray in my head
your heart beating in mine
full of secrets
they flood thru me
and i know
everything.
***
i don't know why
i just have always been able to pick up
to tune in
to others
mainly the living
the dead and i seem to be copacetic
or maybe they just have nothing to say
or maybe i'm not really afraid
or you know
whatever.
***
i guess this is why it becomes harder and harder for me to choke down the phrase
"soul mate"
these days.
i have several takes on this matter
depending on the day
weather
longitude and latitudinal positioning
how much have i had to drink
am i wearing shoes?
that kind of thing
1. SOMEDAYS i just think it's a joke- this occurs when i am at my super anti-existentialist: everything is disconnected, nothing matters, etc. we ARE all alone.
2. SOMEDAYS i think i have finally found the one- everything becomes clear. my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE from the minute my mom got knocked up was MEANT for this ONE PERSON. EVERYTHING i have EVER done at ANY TIME EVER in my LIFE was simply leading to this union.... and when i come off whatever numbered cloud i'm river-dancing on, usually the memory of these thoughts make me gag. HEARTILY.
3. SOMEDAYS i think it is entirely possible, but i also think the timing of such things occurring need to be
a. precise, and
b. unexpected
you can't seek out your soul mate. even IF this person exists at all, you might never know. i certainly have been around couples that exude an ethereal radius:: as if descending on earth only to find one another again and again were some sort of recess; as if there were perpetually playing out a romantic version of ghost in the graveyard.
--------------------------welcome to the sidebar
now, don't get me wrong. i ADORE the thought of having someone such as that. such as the word bound is literal but not taken. it sounds like something inaudible-- it is a magnitude i cannot comprehend.
maybe i'm thinking of it a little like i think of twins. which throws a whole new log on this raging fire i am building.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
((... so back to 3))
but, when you meet this person- if you are smiled upon enough to meet- are you then also lucky enough to know? and does it still require the same amount of work and frustration and crazy-thoughts? there's a time period during the beginning of a relationship (which is cute at first) that includes a sort of paranoia about the other person. this manifests itself in thoughts such as::
"does he really like me?"
"what does he really see in me?"
"i'm not good enough for you."
but it's supposed to be temporary. does this happen if you meet and recognize your soul mate?
and even if this person isn't your soul mate, how long is this phase supposed to last? i mean, really? you KNOW you have at least ONE friend who constantly obsesses this way. it gets old. it gets mucky.
it gets hard to get out of.
really, you are the only one you're battling.
but why??
is it because of our collective mindset? that somewhere out there is the person you're destined for?
because we are taught always to look for that?
because we are taught marriage is normal and correct, and anything outside that scenario is somehow deviant? ((THIS extends to children!! Couples who don't have children are whispered about- they are told they are selfish!!))
because we are taught sex is wrong?
is eharmony to blame?
i think maybe a little.
what i am getting at is, even if you find someone significant, whom you could devote a genuine (and HEALTHY, not INSANE) portion of yourself to, why is it so difficult to shrug off the nagging, nasty sensation that- while YOU maybe be a wonderful occurrence- deeply, they are longing for the OTHER ONE
]]]] see at the start of this INCREASINGLY BECOMING A STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS post i promised myself i would NOT use the phrase "the one who got away
in it's place i will use "OTHER ONE" in all caps, unless i think of something better- at least more poignant [[[[[[[[[[[[
the OTHER ONE.
well,
everyone has one.
i don't believe anyone (almost) who denies this.
what classifies THE OTHER? (i'm switching to THE OTHER, i like it better)
could be so many things. made up of so many ingredients.
the later you cameo in someone else's life, the steeper the bank you have to traverse.
when you meet their friends, their families, you are handed volumes of histories of which YOU were never a part of. experiences you can never claim. triumphs, failures, growth- all sharing the common thread of your absence.
this is fine- this is expected. this is also why i get so incensed when arguments during relationships venture into these zones. because they hold so much gravity, they MUST be off limits.
YOU weren't there.
YOU don't know.
form an opinion if you want.
but you can never have permissions into those areas because they are simply sacred.
but again, the later you come in the more you have to sort thru. the more chances there have been for severely sordid loves and losses.
maybe her dad got transferred junior year of high school.
maybe she hung up on you and never called again.
maybe she died on a road, in a car. maybe she was alone.
maybe you left her behind. even if it was your choice, it damaged you. and you would be LYING if you said you didn't consider going back to her everyday.
maybe she said no.
maybe it isn't the right time. maybe it won't ever be.
who knows, right?
i guess, when you realize that sameness in everyone- if you are so evolved you could share in that WITH your companion- you could appreciate it for what it was, and maybe ever derive some comfort from it. i don't think it would be easy.
and i think really there would and will forever be the sting of knowing a piece of the heart of who you love will never belong to you.
nostalgia is a dangerous thing.
***
recently i had a past life reading that said something along the lines of there not so much being a soul mate for another- individually. it was more that you meet someone- or many- with complementary energy patterns, or similar auras. the energy patterns don't necessarily have to run the same courses, they just have to agree- even if they counter one another.
so, here we are now at the yin/yang theory. balance, clearly, is necessary. communication, without a doubt, is crucial. the energy flow of one entity will impact as well as interact with that of another. how it all comes together is the answer.
can you or can you not feasibly BE with this person.
myself... i have said the "soul mate" thing to some others. never to MY OTHER. but, again- and using a case here to make a point from (much) earlier, i don't think i need to say it to MY OTHER.
but i have said it. for me, it carries more weight than the words "I love you", although that really isn't too challenging when you think about it.
only ONCE have i ever said "I've never kissed anybody the way i kiss you."
and that was and is true.
and THAT was a compliment to him.
****
but soul mates? i feel there shouldn't be sadness there. or a general queasy-ness to it. or an apprehension. at least, not the extreme apprehension associated with large drops and whatever that thing is that lives in the ohio river.
you know what i'm talking about.
(do you? i've been going on for hours by now)
Someone for Everyone
i suppose the question is: is it in you to forgive THEIR OTHER, as well to release YOUR OTHER?
and not necessarily forgive, so much as accept, even sympathize.
or do you always feel they're who you could never be? you could come close but you won't ever be....
them.
where do you put that sadness, or fear?
me?
i always am tempted to run.
and it is easy and natural for me to abscond. and the more i grow and am alone- the more i get to know myself all over again, the older i am- the more of a desire for meaning in my life- the less attached i am to an ideal of youth and self-destruction. i can't say i want permanence, fundamentally- at least, and definitely NOT from something outside my own self- but i want to be mine, and what i may start requiring from the people i appoint in roles closest to myself will be very much the same.
***
i don't know if i could or can get over the feeling of being in someone else's shadow. even if it was only in my head- it shouldn't even have to be a thought.
i am intuitive, like i said.
so i know what it is and where i am.
it's just a lot to ask.
*****
AMENDMENT 1.. 12/10/08
in reference to: myself... i have said the "soul mate" thing to some others. never to MY OTHER. but, again- and using a case here to make a point from (much) earlier, i don't think i need to say it to MY OTHER.
but i have said it. for me, it carries more weight than the words "I love you", although that really isn't too challenging when you think about it.
i realize the contradiction of this in relation to the rest of the post.
i have said "soul mate" to people, and i have thought i meant it.
at 17 i had an on-again/off-again relationship with cincinnati's then king of the punk rock scene, which was a huge deal at the time. i enjoyed my status. even when we weren't together- other girls would come and go ((he was a whore, true- i forgave it- i saw him as kind of an Abbie Hoffman type. see also: i was wrong!))- but what was strange was this sort of respect i commanded from them. and maybe it was how his friends ((who in the end all begged me to leave him)) treated me, or related to me, or never took any of those girls seriously. maybe it was my attitude of:
"Yeh, go ahead and FUCK him, You're not going to be ME."
maybe it was because he always came back. who knows right?
it was an intimidation, to an extent, i think. and it isn't ever something i'm totally proud of. whether or not i ruined this guy is debatable. in a way- really in large ways- we fucked up each others lives.
THIS guy was the first person i ever told was my soul mate. and i said it so i believed it and i treated out relationship as that- no matter WHAT i went thru or did or what the fuck.
and you know what it all was??
GIANT
FUCKING
WASTE
OF
TIME
and it hasn't been the only story.
the problem is:
i say it, i think it, i believe it and it is WRONG. LOVE is much easier, because love is flexible and subjective. it grows and shrinks and expands and changes. when it comes to things like a SOUL MATE, THAT is permanent. THAT is a place with no room for choices. it IS or IS NOT.
this guy- when i was 17 told me once
"people always say things that end up being false- but not because it wasn't true at the time they said it."
it has since stuck with me, and it has repeatedly rang true. it is one of the few things he left me with to which i still hold on. and yet, even though i had said "soul mate" to him ((i feel like i GOTTA say he was the first one to bring it up)) it wasn't true then- it was ALWAYS false. i believed it, but that doesn't make it a fact. i meant it, but you can really, really in the pit of you soul MEAN and BELIEVE that 2 + 2 = 5 and STILL you would be incorrect... this is the same thing. i guess i'm just tired of being wrong. i guess i'm sad for being wrong so much.
another phrase i read in a COSMO i think while i was waiting at the pharmacy said:
"A relationship turns out of of two ways: either it lasts forever or you break up."
and i laffed as i read it but realized that while it may appear glib and certainly is succinct, it's right.
you will tell me nothing lasts forever. you may find people with energy patterns to fit your own, the world over, and still never find a true soul mate- or worse- continue to pass that person by.
as far as me, i will retract- a bit- from my platitude of "I hate the term SOUL MATE", and change it to- cautious of. i am 25 yes, but i have already said it too much, and now i realize it ought to mean everything. it means more than "i love you", to me, because i have experienced love but never a soul mate. so i wait. i'm in no rush.
we don't want to over-water the plant, now do we?
******
AMENDMENT 2- also 12/10
just quickly regarding MY OTHER:
i have all the possible love anyone could ever know for you- this will always be true- and because of this you TRUMP many many things which cross my path- so much in fact, you could never really grasp what that means. the colours richness of my perception of you would BLIND you.
but-
i have released you. i have had to. i had to say no.
all wanting aside, and
i do what i have to do.
no more or less than just what i said.
i do what i have to do.
*****
AMENDMENT 3, same day still
regarding: this guy- when i was 17 told me once
"people always say things that end up being false- but not because it wasn't true at the time they said it."
it has since stuck with me, and it has repeatedly rang true. it is one of the few things he left me with to which i still hold on. and yet, even though i had said "soul mate" to him ((i feel like i GOTTA say he was the first one to bring it up)) it wasn't true then- it was ALWAYS false. i believed it, but that doesn't make it a fact. i meant it, but you can really, really in the pit of you soul MEAN and BELIEVE that 2 + 2 = 5 and STILL you would be incorrect... this is the same thing. i guess i'm just tired of being wrong. i guess i'm sad for being wrong so much.
a friend i know- has a friend on his myspace page, that i happened to randomly click on because i was intrigued by the photo. his headline read:
Everybody just wants somebody to love them, like they wish they could love themselves.
there in that simple phrase i think captures all the sadness in me- like fireflies in a jar.
and i suppose i have been so eager, and now am so resilient to this abstraction of the ideal of "soul mates" because something in me is realizing that true love has to first start inside the person.
since i was always missing the appropriate people loving me, i sought it, rather than weaved it out of my own soul. this is why i have always been so confused. and this is now why i feel like i must be so careful.
not to be reckless with my heart ((no, no more))
not to be reckless with the hearts of others.
it comes from a very genuine place.
