anyone have a small violin?

so my back is not better:: in FACT
it feels worse
like my vertebrae are crackling
i couldn't believe how much pain i was in today at work- i tried SO hard to keep it together
but after a certain point i just broke down crying
this went on for at least an hour
so i tried to stay away from customers and just do office work
but everyone could see it in my face-
that and i continue to limp.
i will be following up with that doc the e.r. physician referred me to
but i have a bad feeling he wont believe me
its funny-
you get a couple tattoos and suddenly everyone thinks you're a drug addict.
i know i know-
i kind of knew that going in and
its not like i have a tattoo on my FACE
but FUCK.
the pain is breathtaking- and the spasms haven't quite quit.
and the best way i can describe it is feeling as if someone is perpetually
swinging a baseball bat into the small of my back.

on top of this
i got VIOLENTLY sick on thursday
"vomiting with a vengeance", really
****

i hate throwing up-
i am genuinely SCARED of throwing up, which is weird i know
and i woke up fine on thursday
but as the day elapsed my stomach turned itself into a knot
and it wasn't just my belly that purged
it was my entire body
i have never felt anything like that before

a few hours after i started feeling a little better-
Wn was mega-sweet and got me some popsicles
which are the ONLY thing i can stomach after i vomit

but the next day (friday)
i barely ate anything
maybe four bites of breakfast- they didn't feel too good
some easy mac- which i finished but the taste was abhorrent
i had some greek yogurt which i needed desperately for the old g.i. tract
some noodle soup later as filler
and for some reason pizza, which i am STILL tasting
and
that can't be good

later that night i drank not EVEN 3 sips of wine
it tasted HORRIBLE
and made my stomach CHURN

then today-
going on not much sleep anyway-
back all a-fucked
i had maybe a 3rd of a mocha i attempted to treat myself with
a muffin- which went down decently- but
that was it
i have not eaten anything else
mostly because i don't feel like i could keep it in me
and for some reason
i feel extremely full
like i don't have any room in my belly- even for liquid
and the only thing that even tastes right is water

on a brighter side i have only smoked maybe 4 cigarettes in the past few days
i just can't handle the flavour
i feel like i really want some alka-seltzer

***

so now if you know all this and you know how important it is for me to eat
(considering the hemoglobin/blood sugar issues)
then you know i am EXTRA f-ed up because i haven't been eating so
i am totally out of my head
and while i am supposed to take my mega-huge heavy iron pills on an empty stomach
i can't because they give me the worst cramps
and while they truly make me feel better
i couldn't handle the extra pain

so....

bleh.

yeh, i'm having a bit of a pity-party for myself.

i need hugs.

and....

i took off my bandage from the blood tests,
and it looks like i have track marks.

and some serious bruising.

thanks, lab tech.

OH AND

so i went to the same center two years ago after i had mabyl because i have hip pain
and they ran a bunch of tests on me then.
when i went in for my initial visit last week the nurse says
"So what have you been doing about your cholesterol?"
and i didn't know what she was talking about

EVIDENTLY

two years ago my cholesterol was 221.

yeah-
221

and i was 23.

so this quack doctor decides NOT to tell me about my crazy high cholesterol
and i have to find out about it 2 years later.

i mean,
wtf??

i'm outraged.

yay, blood

so i finally went to the doctor because i just can't stand whatever this crazy condition is i have anymore-
or really, just for some answers.
the initial quick blood tests reported low blood sugar AND low hemoglobin-
so i went back today for more blood work, and tried my damndest not to vomit when she took the four viles out of my right arm.
so now i wait.

they put me on iron pills that include the following warnings:
1. do not take within 3 hours of eating eggs, milk, milk products, whole grains, cereal, coffee, tea, or antacids
2. do not lay down for 30 minutes after taking this medication. (why?)
3. side effects include nausea, upset stomach, constipation, diarrhea, green stools, change in colour of urine (fun!!)

i hate iron pills.

and i miss drinking coffee as much as i want.

so but here is my question-
i have decided that since i am O-negative, it is my responsibility to donate blood.
do they take your blood if you are anemic or hypoglycemic, or a hybrid (like me, probably)?

anyone?

anyone know whats wrong with me?

i'm for sure it is my blood sugar, but
let me describe tonight for you:

i tried to stay on top of eating enough all day
but about 6:30 i started freaking out a little
meaning:

i got dizzy (usual for when i go longer than i should without eating)
but very quickly after i:
began trembling- not just my hands but my arms and upper body
tripped over my feet
became very lightheaded
my shoulders felt hollow
my lips were numb
i started seeing spots
i became very pale (i found out because people said- "wow hey why are you so pale all of the sudden?")
and the room was spinning like a tilt-o-whirl from hell

so....

i ate a chicken tender and chugged some o.j.
which leveled me out enough to make it to the appropriated eating time
i fed myself a proper dinner
and was back to normal a half hour after eating...

i won't be able to visit a doctor until winter, so
in the the meanwhile i need to eat well and on time, but

wtf??

any ideas??

sugared blood, blood shu-GAH

here are some ideas from the people who have been witnessing my ultimate "prairie-woman" syndrome:

1. (most popular) my blood sugar is extremely low, and i am diabetic which is caused by a vegan lifestyle
[NOTE: i am calling bullshit. yes, i have changed my eating habits because it is entirely possible i am not eating well enough to maintain myself, but the fish and chicken didn't seem to help, thus BULLSHIT on my veganinity being called into question.... le nice trrry]
2. low blood pressure- NOW, this is possible as well because i have always had notably low blood pressure, but webMD leads me to believe this may have already righted itself, and would not pose such a lengthy problem
3. sinus and/or ear infection: ok, maybe now we're getting somewhere a little more realistic, except my face and ears feel fine. although, about 6 or 7 months ago i feared i had come down with mono and became frighteningly weak. the culprit was indeed an impacted sinus infection.
4. i'm pregnant. when people suggest this i want to punch them in the face. i am not goddamned pregnant nor do i intend to be, at any time, ever again, for the rest of my life, at all.

so how do you explain the shortness of breath, blood-sucking sensation in my shoulders, tingling hands, numb lips, and all around fog i wander about in, which causes me to be unfocused and confused?

am i having a series of small strokes?

as far as the low-blood sugar goes, after i chugged half a gallon of OJ on sunday i did almost a complete 180, and came back to life. my colour returned, i was singing, and joking with my co-employees. i have found that if i continuously drink the OJ i feel somewhat normal aside from the clamminess.

but today, with my migraine (that has finally subsided) and dementia (for lack of a better term) i still feel like i am sleepwalking, out of my body, and disconnected from my hands, my eyes, my face. my mind feels sluggish. i feel like i have water in my head where the contents used to be.

****

i stayed up late last night (not by choice) and read more on the conspiracy that courtney love plotted kurt's death to make it look like a suicide. there is a website authored by a private detective hired by love detailing the events surrounding the case, including odder than usual behaviour from courtney.

i used to think it was pretty cut and dry, and i also used to adore courtney love.

in my celebrity-free older years i'm not so sure.