picketed fence

i love my family.


*****
i think i hate my family.

i know thats harsh.

not the kind of "hate" one associates with white cops killing black teenagers--

the kind of "hate" you associate with bunions, or horseradish.

*********

my mother and i do not like each other, now, right now-- maybe once, years ago...

i think i was able to keep her mildly amused as an infant. infants, tho, are a lot like work.

an infant-- at first-- is like starting day at a new job; you come in showered with a haircut, pressed clothing, the works-- show up five minutes early, eager, apple-cheeked, full of promise...

gradually you lose steam. you start hitting the snooze alarm, you start showering only twice a week. before long you start calling off, sometimes twice in the same week. your excuses get weaker-- it starts with a broken car, a broken car leads to a mystery illness, suddenly you're collecting bereavement pay for a fake death...

one day you don't show up.

no phone call. no message.

its a wednesday, and you

disappear.

i'm not sure if i believe so much in post-partum depression so much as i believe in post-partum boredom.

***

at any rate, my mom and i dislike each other. we pretend-- covincingly, sometimes-- that we're old pals. other times it's like seeing thru a window.

occassionally, it's a mirror, and while I try not to gauge my reflection in it, this mirror has been in place for 24 years, and ultimately responsible for my decision to quit smoking.

you know-- what is it about forgivness that it feels like lottery balls in a tumbler? how come you, or I, could give it, 100%, in the flesh, but the recipient is always holding out for a better deal?

how many times do i have to say?

i can't say it. i'm tired of those word and thier mouth feel.

i'm tired of this spiny mocking dance we do.

let's shut if off

anytime will do.

******

i'm not a bad kid. i never was.

it's made me hostile.

the flavour of hostility is like rotted steel and blood.

******

RESPECTING YOUR ELDERS...

how can i?

my parents?

thats a different story.

they're exempt, they always are.

and ULTIMATELY

the fact that THOSE TWO PEOPLE love me the way they do makes everyone else so jealous.

it just IS.

I feel it.

I have felt it since I was old enough to know what it was.

**

did you think i didn't notice?

**

yeah....

i guess you did.

**

**

**

damnit.