song of the moment

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, (One still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces, ('Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break, no it don't break, no it don't break even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, (One still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces, ('Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no

the script

.s.a.m.h.a.i.n.

blessed be.

i've been thinking...

about happiness.

...

and i find it strange that i'm happy, or moreover: happy for the sake of being happy-

without all the Pollyanna aftertaste or

the thick, marmalade flavoured sap of Field of Dreams,

no,

more like

an immediate call to explore my life

protect it

cherish it

set myself apart from my family, because

i am not them.


i refuse.

instead i have forged a code of ethics revolving around my ideas of

self-value

i'm worth more than i sell myself hourly to my job;

intelligence and aptitude

and a certain, peculiar manner of thought processing

all my own

and all completely misunderstood.


there is freedom in owning your life-

forever i pined for a dark highway
tall trees
scent of wild, feral earth
in the west
by the pacific
salt in the breeze
and complete autonomy...

it's still hard not to have it

but i still want it enough to know

i will have it

one

of



these


days (of mine)

what do ya know...

i know everything. i wish i did. i am glad i don't.

you never know the hard roads until they're underfoot, and

out of control.

doesn't matter how many steep, rocky paths upon which you've embarked-

you can only get better.

learn and try-

fuck up and learn-

learn how to live and accept the inevitable life dice-

we all die.




i have so much to live for.

so much to be thankful for.

i have so many to love and who love back.




some love is distant.

some love is close by,

some love is an ebb tide-

the shore you will always look

for footprints.



people come

people go.


i will come

and i will go.

but-

not now, please

universe

god

truth-

it is not yet my time.



please don't take me away....


(victory)

last rites

"oh laffing man

what have you won?

don't tell me what cannot be done-

my little mouth,

my winter lungs-

don't tell me what cannot be done..."

innmiss.

away away away

yool' hawk

eyes big round POPS from the feather

whatter you lookin four?

it's not my money you wantin

nothin more than some change i got

rumblin' round in an ol' tin can

big bird

g'awn now, getonyer way

and go'on flappin

away

away

away

looking for lonely

....guess i found it

oh, frances

"God Dies," by Frances Farmer

No one ever came to me and said, "You're a fool. There isn't such a thing as God. Somebody has been stuffing you." It wasn't a murder. I think God just died of old age. And when I realized that he wasn't any more, it didn't shock me. It seemed natural and right.

Maybe it was because I was never properly impressed with a religion. I went to Sunday school and liked the stories about Christ and the Christmas star. They were beautiful. They made you warm and happy to think about. But I didn't believe them. The Sunday School teacher talked too much in the way our grade school teacher used to when she told us about George Washington. Pleasant, pretty stories, but not true.

Religion was too vague. God was different. He was something real, something I could feel. But there were only certain times when I could feel it. I used to lie between cool, clean sheets at night after I'd had a bath, after I had washed my hair and scrubbed my knuckles and finger nails and teeth. Then I could lie quite still in the dark with my face to the window with the trees in it, and talk to God. "I am clean, now. I've never been as clean. I'll never be cleaner." And somehow, it was God. I wasn't sure that it was just something cool and dark and clean.

That wasn't religion, though. There was too much of the physical about it. I couldn't get that same feeling during the day, with my hands in dirty dish water and the hard sun showing up the dirtiness on the roof-tops. And after a time, even at night, the feeling of God didn't last. I began to wonder what the minister meant when he said, "God, the father, sees even the smallest sparrow fall. He watches over all his children." That jumbled it all up for me. But I was sure of one thing. If God were a father, with children, that cleanliness I had been feeling wasn't God. So at night, when I went to bed, I would think, "I am clean. I am sleepy." And then I went to sleep. It didn't keep me from enjoying the cleanness any less. I just knew that God wasn't there. He was a man on a throne in Heaven, so he was easy to forget.

Sometimes I found he was useful to remember; especially when I lost things that were important. After slamming through the house, panicky and breathless from searching, I could stop in the middle of a room and shut my eyes. "Please God, let me find my red hat with the blue trimmings." It usually worked. God became a super-father that couldn't spank me. But if I wanted a thing badly enough, he arranged it.

That satisfied me until I began to figure that if God loved all his children equally, why did he bother about my red hat and let other people lose their fathers and mothers for always? I began to see that he didn't have much to do about hats, people dying or anything. They happened whether he wanted them to or not, and he stayed in heaven and pretended not to notice. I wondered a little why God was such a useless thing. It seemed a waste of time to have him. After that he became less and less, until he was... nothingness.

I felt rather proud to think that I had found the truth myself, without help from any one. It puzzled me that other people hadn't found out, too. God was gone. We were younger. We had reached past him. Why couldn't they see it? It still puzzles me.

thompson girl

thompson girl, i'm stranded at the unique motel
thompson girl winterfighter's shot on the car as well
looks like christmas at 55 degrees
this latitude weakens my knees,

thompson girl grunt work somewhere between dream and duty
poking through with all them shoots of beauty

thompson girl walking from chruchill
across the icy world with polar bears it's mostly uphill
but when she saw that nickel stack
she whistled hard and i whistled back,

thompson girl grunt work somewhere between dream and duty
poking through with all them shoots of beauty
grunt work somewhere between dream and duty
poking through with all them shoots of beauty

thompson girl were down to the dead houseplants
thompson girl we've jettisoned everything we can
she says springtime's coming wait til you see
it poking through with them shoots of beauty
it's the end of rent-a-movie weather
it's time to end this siege together,
thompson girl
thompson girl
thompson girl
thompson girl

trag.hip

lakes of canada

Look for me another day
I feel that I could change,
I feel that I could change.
There's a sudden joy that's like
a fish, a moving light;
I thought I saw it
rowing on the lakes of Canada

Oh laughing man 
what have you won?
don't tell me what cannot be done.
my little mouth, my winter lungs
don't tell me what cannot be done,
cannot be done di-da-di-da de da da da de da...

Walking in the cirlce of a flashlight
someone starts to sing, to join in.
Talk of loneliness in quiet voices
I am shy but you can reach me. 
rowing on the lakes of Canada
rowing on the lakes of Canada

Oh laughing man 
what have you won?
don't tell me what cannot be done.
my little mouth, my winter lungs
don't tell me what cannot be done.
cannot be done di-da-di-da de da da da de da...

Look for me another time,
give me another day.
I feel that I could change

rowing on the lakes of Canada,
rowing on the lakes of Canada.

inn.miss.

left-

all i can think is this 

a night of missed kisses, red clouds and

music- loud

over the waves of the ohio,

yeh, i know-

and im used to the feeling of being used too...

you sleep and i'm awake

you call that a choice? for FUCKS sake!

i didn't do- did not do-

anything wrong,

at least

not to you.

into the rivers' water deep 

i wanted it to sink

to drown 

if i can't be reached i can't be found

and i wish to a god

try as hard as i can, but

the winds keep calling, and 

after all

this IS what i am-

you call it lost

or lonely

or broken or sad

or evil, and devil woman- yes!

that is what you said,

and with an easy way out, no less

and no better

you sent me that smile in the black and white

and i read it at night

right down to that last line

i get it-

you have to say goodbye.

what am i left with?

smoldering embers of possibilities and a

restless longing 

for lonely and

anything

and i shoulda seen it coming

from a week away-

not the only time you've had nothing to say

abscond

and fray-

i become a memory, again

in someone else's head

a ghost of myself

behind you as you tread

to find who you think

is gonna save your soul

but i've been through a lot more, 

WHAT THE FUCK DO you KNOW?

and

it's really that easy 

just to let me go?

so,

into the ohio 

and the water and the current

to the mississippi 

to lie on the river bed

with all that history

like me

is what i am- this-

a ghost

a loss

a want, like a fire

for the frost

i'm pale

and don't eat i don't sleep and

can't if i tried

theres a black sickness eating me on the inside

and my heart beats slower- look

i just want to die,

anyway...

and you have already said goodbye

airport

Today the grass is like another green, 
straight from heaven's garden, 
like you've never seen. 
At first glance it's like this place is on fire, 
but it's just time for this dew to expire. 
Most of the days I'm down near the sea. 
People say they're not seeing me, 
I miss them as much as they miss me. I miss 
them just like they miss me. 
Now yesterday I think he might have called to say 
Hey, or just to get us all together on a Saturday, 
to take some time come down your way. 
But he's over on the North Side. 
He can walk. 
He doesn't need a ride. 
I wouldn't pick him up anyway. 
It's not not my town. 
I don't know the way. 
I see him out my window, 
on a very different street where leaves fall 
up in the Spring time, and the sun sets in the East.
I'm always late whem I'm visiting. 
I can't remember where the station is. 
What time will you be coming in? 
I wish my town had an airport.
In 15 minutes we'de be at my door. 
We'd used the time for a walk and some wine, 
but these days I'm trying not to think about time. 
I see him out my window, 
on a very different street where leaves fall up in the Spring time, 
and the sun sets in the east. 
We hang out in the garden, away from phone calls, 
strip malls-now I don't want to leave you behind. 
It's just that grayed-out horizon. 
Hey, don't you think it's time?

karate

so long

so long that
i could not know what to say
even if it was told
to me
in your sweet, secret code
what is the true price
of youth and young womanhood?
if my body decays
like sandcastles being eaten away
by the tide
and the moon
and all that deep,
dark
dark
blue

"into my arms"

I don't believe in an interventionist God
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I don't believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candlew burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

n.c.

26 things

i learned a lot about myself, driving from MASS to bethel, oh

pennsylvania, and it's many, many miles of construction aided my inane diatribes

and i really don't think angie was listening:

except for when she looked out the window and said

"you're weird."

so i smoked a cigarette.

here are 26 things i told her:

1. I rarely throw fits in public, but there are a few instances in which i really fly off the handle

these include:

2. Poor selection of grapefruit at the market. I'm particular about my grapefruit, true, but I get quite agitated when i hunt for ten minutes and can't find a decent grapefruit. And-

3. Not being able to find frozen brussel sprouts Not packaged in cheese or butter.

4. I will also complain loudly if I have to go to the movies, and I have to buy a snack for someone. A bottle of water costs 5$ at the cinema. I totally lost it.

5. I tear apart everything I eat. If it's a sandwich, I will rip it into several small pieces. If it is a burrito, i pull off all the excess tortilla.

6. Most nights, when I dream, I have nightmares. I wake up to the sound of myself yelling my name to get away from the dream.

7. Too many small objects in a highly concentrated area make me physically ill, and I can't stand to look at it. For example: 3,000 ants swarming around a starlight mint. It makes me vomit.

8. I also vomit when I have to get blood drawn. As soon as the phlebotomist taps my vein i start lurching. I wont stop throwing up the whole time I can feel the blood going out of my body.

9. I feel really bad about throwing up when they take blood. I SHOULD be donating my blood, because I am Oneg.

10. Although- I am hypoglycemic AND anemic. I don't even know if my blood is valid.

11. In the morning I always wish I was waking up in Pineville, KY- every time.

12. In the afternoons, I wish I were in Seattle- every time.

13. At sunset, I like being in Ohio. I can walk to the river and watch the reflection explode onto the surface of the water.

14. Late at night, I want to be Joker's Wild, Montana. Nothing in the world smells like night time in Montana.

15. I hate the flavour of pomegranents.

16. I always want to bite flowers. A fully blossomed rose. I CAN'T explain this- I actually mentioned it to the hostesses at work and they all just sort of shuffled awkwardly. The petals are so soft- it just seems like such a nice thing to bite.

17. I still sleep with my favourite stuffed animal. I take him with my every time I fly.

18. When I become too drunk, I find a place to hide, so I can sleep and no one will find me.

19. As soon as I stop liking where I am I will leave- even if this means having to walk several miles, in the middle of the night.

20. I sing when I walk.

21. I really, really dislike celebrities. It's very hard for me to enjoy a movie. Big-name actors turn into Pokemon for me- especially if it is a predictable, typecast role. Example: I get it- I really do- that Robert DeNiro makes a great replica of a hardened police officer. So when I watch a movie with him in this kind of role, he may as well be repeating his name over and over, as opposed to reciting lines.

22. All I drink anymore is wine. I can also drink quite a bit of it.

23. I make little songs about what I am doing, at that point in time.

24. I miss playing 4-Square. When did it go out of fashion?

25. Ankles are what first attract me to someone. I fall all over myself for a nice pair of ankles.

26. In me there is a very thin line between love and hate, and it is a border i have been trying to blur for many, many years.

this is what concerns me

one time, i argued (with anyone who would put up with it) that cobbler was better than pie. the rules were: the cobbler had a warm crumb topping and the pie could NOT be a la mode. This is because ice cream is not conditional of a pie, whereas the crumb topping on cobbler occurs naturally, being a legitimate feature of the dessert. a good debate, i feel.

in boston, part 2

The next day, Angie took me to Newberry Street.


(Lots of department stores and boutiques. Everything was very, very expensive. I did not buy anything.)

We went to a sweet art-jazz bar called the Beehive.


(This is what i look like standing next to the Beehive chalkboard.)

We ordered some wine, and i noticed there was Chartreuse behind the bar. I asked the bartender about the spirit, and he says:

"Here, i will let you taste some." He fills a rocks glass with ice and pours me a double shot of yellow Chartreuse. (there is a green Chartreuse as well, according to THIS WEBSITE the yellow is milder.)

And here i am drinking Chartreuse.


(it was awful. this was all Quentin Tarrintino's fault. if you've ever seen Death Proof that's why.)

we took pictures of ourselves.



(damn right, we're cute.)

Later, we went out for beer, which is also very expensive in boston. It was Valentines Day, so we decided to celebrate by going to a dive-y place called the Silhouette.


(7$ pitchers of PBR. We had 5.)

We met some of Ange's friends, and walked over to her favourite bar called Deep Ellum.


(not to be confused with Deep Ellum, Texas.)

The biggest difference between the Silhouette and Deep Ellum was the cost.
Silhouette: 7$ pitchers.
Deep Ellum: 7$ beers.


(by this time yours truly was a very happy girl, and needed to rest her very happy eyes. which i did. about 20 minutes after this photo was taken.)

day 2 was awesome.

in boston, part 1

this is ange.


(visit her blog, see her artwork HERE)

she lives in boston:


(thats in massachusetts)

i flew there. it was scary. i hate to fly.


(i call this: clouds with plane wing)


she goes to SMFA. this is what she looks like when she poses for me in her studio:



(master at work)


she took me to a place called The Squealing Pig:


(art students call it "the pig")

we took trains and busses all over the city:


(because public transportation is actually FUNCTIONAL in boston...)

night one ended in much joy:


(and a hangover the next day)

i am baaaaaack

hello!!!!

i am in boston (it is my last night)

pictures coming soon- and details to follow. i have been a bad blogger, i know- BUT

i plan to redeem myself full throttle

check itout

i am silly on wine-

EveRYONE!!!!

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN????

bars, bad moods, boston

yet again today found me in another terrible mood.
it was lightened, however, when a bar guest asked for a captain and coke-
his wife stops him and says

"or- wait- did you want the 151?"

he asks

"well whats the difference?"

wife replies

"they're the same thing."

hah.

***

in completely unrelated news i am going to BOSTON to visit my angie.

i couldn't be more excited, although this trip might constitute an entirely new winter wardrobe.
cincinnati is at a balmy 23 degrees, while ange informed me the "high" in Boston today was 0.

it's cold. also...

i mean, really freakishly cold.

***

the parking brake in my van broke- i think the brake itself is fine
but the spring in the lever which you pull in order to engage the brake has come apart
and NOW i drive with my emergency brake on constantly.

(well, i haven't really driven anywhere- my van made it home and isn't leaving til i find a shop.)

i need to do this soon. the people i have been relying on for rides may start to get sick of me.

luckily, i was awarded my W2 today from my employer- and i HEART $.

so if anyone wants to reccomend a good auto repair shop and/or CPA i am ALL ears.

sad news for a friend

a young boy who used to work as a busser for me at the restaurant was involved in a terrible atv crash over the weekend.

he is now entirely paralyzed on the right side of his body. the doctors are saying they aren't sure if it will be permanent or not.

regardless- this kid is only 17. i feel very sad about this- for him and his family.

i have organized a small donation effort- i would like to send his family some flowers on behalf of the reataurant. i feel this would be an appropriate gesture. this has had to be devestating for everyone that loves him. my heart certainly goes out.

i hope y'all will keep him in your thoughts as well.

evidently i have an enemy

whilst working this afternoon, a phone call came in from a woman who asked to speak to:

(ahem)

"...that stupid, slut-bag mandy."

my bartender approached me, perplexed, holding the phone to his chest and said

"someone on the phone isn't very happy with you."

i never found out forsure who it was since they hung up almost immediately.

***

damn.

i guess not everyone in the world thinks i'm as awesome as i do.

i will try not to get on prozac over this...

another l8 night

good ol holiday blues

gonna get kicked by some wine and wii fit-

we'll see

i hear you shouldn't drink and exercise at the same time...

somewhere to sleep

I BOUGHT A BED!!


!!!!!

now i have somewhere to lay my head AND subsequent remaining parts of my body....

((as previously lamented in this post...))

willin'

"I been warped by the rain, driven by the snow
I'm drunk and dirty don't ya know, and I'm still, oh I'm still
Out on the road late at night, I seen my pretty Alice in every head light
Alice, Dallas Alice

I've been from Tuscon to Tucumcari
Tehachapi to Tonapah
Driven every kind of rig that's ever been made
Now I driven the back roads so I wouldn't get weighed
And if you give me: weed, whites, and wine
and you show me a sign
I'll be willin', to be movin'

Now I smuggled some smokes and folks from Mexico
baked by the sun, every time I go to Mexico, and I'm still
And I've been kicked be the wind, robbed by the sleet
Had my head stoved in and I'm still on my feet and I'm willin', oh I'm willin'

And I been from Tuscon to Tucumcari
Tehachapi to Tonapah
Driven every kind of rig that's ever been made
Driven the back roads so I wouldn't get weighed
And if you give me: weed, whites, and wine
and then you show me a sign
I'll be willin', to be movin'"

-little feat