i'm not mad i'm... something else

i feel tired. i feel patient and impatient.

***

it is raining.
this is fine, except my windshield wipers stopped working a few months ago.
i rain-x'ed the beejesus out of my van, however
it doesn't help that much.

***

every morning- well,
sometimes
some mornings
when i wake up
you think i am mad.

well,
i can't be a supernova all the time.

last night, venus and jupiter aligned-
and
you were right (you are right)
it was special (it is)

that doesn't mean
i can't be quiet about it

i can't try to forget
the wet black highway
and us hydroplaning
leaving soggy treadmarks
on the freeway
i stared at my hands
because i was scared....

NOT because i was mad-
i am NOT mad
i am something else entirely

***

so, what?
(can YOU hear it? i can)

WwOoMmAaNn!!
WwHhAaTt IiSs TtHhEe PpRrOoBbLlEeMm??

me: huh?

heh.

it's not that there is something to tell,
there is nothing to tell
nothing of any value
not really-
my head, my heart
all wells
i'm just... out there
right now
and maybe feeling
a little ignored
so
i went to bed
and it was
AAAAAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so


nice,

and now with the door closed
i get my space.

my, my...

i've decided i miss people, and
i didn't realize how much time had gone by between us.

you in indiana-
i think it is funny
how we stay connected, always somehow
we always know a little about each other
but
not in that acquaintance-semipermeable type of way

it is more a sincere, far off admiration
like lighthouses
marking a dock you won't ever moor
some strange, absent nostalgia
and a love
that beckons but doesn't belong

sad the way i feel i would look at you
if we we together

my heart opens
no matter how shut the door becomes

and for you
a special place, always
in my soul...

***

however-

today just so happened to be one of the most productive days of my existence
i am proud of myself
i (all by myself)
got very close to being almost out of debt
almost as 100% as possible
and it is so freeing

and i did it
no one else

heh

i LIKE it...

****

and i miss you,
in vegas
in new england or maui
or...

where did you go?

sometimes your silence
resonates so profound
and my thoughts often lead to you
and this time your quiet
is stark
and final-feeling

i could dream speak
but you would ignore it anyway

it just-
it isn't our time
yet and still

i love you
just the same
but
that won't matter now

i worry that it ever will

****

what a day
a long day
and i am up
indulging in my lethargy of the late nights
my wine- my constant companion
my racing thoughts
and longing for narcotics...

a wanderlust for the extreme sweetness invoked by a mere shot in the vein of my well-doing
i want to be sweet to you
to the world
and forget my misplace anger
and out-of-sorts- it
ought to be my last resort, yeh
well....

top dollar offers
but i am still waiting

****

so well,
looking forward to four hours of a wine induced nap-
a nap now
not even sleep
in the daylight i go back to what is commonly known as
ME
--
mandy-the-show
professional
orderly and obedient
and
"that was a good close"
you know-

thats all i got to me-



somedays,
maybe.

*****

and you
my sweet, broken shouldered
newfound
handsome something

my mind swims thru thoughts of you
memories i have
to build an entire future
your warmth
is what i am after
safe and sound
in my van

or your arms

the cold ground
that is always breaking...

i am breathing
and drinking
and readying myself for another smoke
my 100,000th of the day

heart beats away

come on now, you old apocalypse....

i only have so much time to waste....

lethargy of the late nights

i was meaning to watch a movie
but i get so addicted to the internet-
yes, i admit it

addicted.

i need a solid releasing program
full of steps and coins and power circles-

it's true.

"because i do not hope to turn again..."

a barista a a starbucks once said to me
"i love t.s. eliot...
even tho he was a huge douche bag..."

this is after explaining about the tattoos on my forearms
which incorporate a quote from eliot's "ash wednesday"

>>><<<

so sure.
fine.

<<<>>>

everyday that passes now
leaves me feeling as if i have closed yet another door on my previous life

tonight
my ex-landlord came to visit me at the restaurant

i sat with him for a long time

he was recalling his wife of 28 years and said to me
"at this point i don't think i would ever get married again
i am too set in my ways to start over"

i remarked that he was comfortable, but he countered with
"no- i am not comfortable.
i am just happy."

and it caused me to think

happiness, without comfort

it seemed odd, and yet

a person very close to me
told me a story of a family friend
who once lived under a bridge for 5 years-
not because he had to
but because he wanted to see what that kind of life was like

i can hardly imagine
a life under a bridge could be terribly comfortable
but that didn't see to be the point

a life chosen under a bridge for 5 years
must have aroused some sense of happiness

5 years
is a long time-

and at age 25
5 years is
a very long time

but i told my landlord anyway-
"i never want to be married again"

to which he scoffed
and said
"you're young enough for things to change"

>>><<<

he left me with a stack of mail from the old apartment
bills,
more bills

expensive bills, old bills

i owe a lot of people
a lot of money

last week i mailed out the first check
in a long line of soon to be sent out payments
that will e v e n t u a l l y
deconstruct the wall of debt
i have built for myself
that will inevitably
unlock the remainder of my life

this time-
unlike the others
i step foot first alone on my path

it instigates in me a sense of control
and
the more control i assume
the more will power i receive

it feels good
it feels right
it feels right to appreciate myself
and demand appreciation for myself
for once

****

i am closing the doors
and soon it will be a permanent one

then what?

if i am still young enough for things to change
then that gives me much hope

and i will have the correct life, then
for my datr and myself

we're in it together
and soon she will be all i have
and it is good

***
Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the agèd eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is
nothing again

Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessèd face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice

And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care Teach us to sit still.

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

((part 1, ash wednesday, t.s. eliot))

and....

i took off my bandage from the blood tests,
and it looks like i have track marks.

and some serious bruising.

thanks, lab tech.

OH AND

so i went to the same center two years ago after i had mabyl because i have hip pain
and they ran a bunch of tests on me then.
when i went in for my initial visit last week the nurse says
"So what have you been doing about your cholesterol?"
and i didn't know what she was talking about

EVIDENTLY

two years ago my cholesterol was 221.

yeah-
221

and i was 23.

so this quack doctor decides NOT to tell me about my crazy high cholesterol
and i have to find out about it 2 years later.

i mean,
wtf??

i'm outraged.

yay, blood

so i finally went to the doctor because i just can't stand whatever this crazy condition is i have anymore-
or really, just for some answers.
the initial quick blood tests reported low blood sugar AND low hemoglobin-
so i went back today for more blood work, and tried my damndest not to vomit when she took the four viles out of my right arm.
so now i wait.

they put me on iron pills that include the following warnings:
1. do not take within 3 hours of eating eggs, milk, milk products, whole grains, cereal, coffee, tea, or antacids
2. do not lay down for 30 minutes after taking this medication. (why?)
3. side effects include nausea, upset stomach, constipation, diarrhea, green stools, change in colour of urine (fun!!)

i hate iron pills.

and i miss drinking coffee as much as i want.

so but here is my question-
i have decided that since i am O-negative, it is my responsibility to donate blood.
do they take your blood if you are anemic or hypoglycemic, or a hybrid (like me, probably)?

anyone?

you lose, i lose

i want you to be excited about it too

and maybe it's just that kind of estranged calm

but it feels like a fucking shield

and you feel less like you did