a while ago...

i did something awful, to someone whom i love and loved more than anything else, always. what i did was downright disgraceful, and i am ashamed everyday to have done what i did.

but

things go on.
life continues,
a little at a time.

this all started with me.
when i am stretched out, over so many areas that demand my constant attention,
my response is to disconnect
from everything
and all at once.

it's a defense of some type.
i've been thru enough therapy to recognize my "defenses."

and i detatched .c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y.

but there was something else,
a small glitch in the program, where
the origin truly should be placed-
not in me,
but in a guest,
to whom i offered endless hospitality.

i allowed them access to my most private spaces,
and i shrink
like a spider enflamed
at these memories.

and this is the catalyst
that began the road
to hurting,
and my deep
deep
regret.

and yet

i find
searches

sometimes

that are not mine,
and which
(so
so
so sadly)
seem to validate
all those feelings of
loss, and disconnection, and lonliness
and ghostliness

and

and i wonder....

i wonder what happens when my back is turned

and

if i turn to far

everything is lost.

....

i was wrong for what i did

but was i wrong for why?

...

"...that blackbird,
that blackbird he says..."
t.b.g.

...

my head
swims.