7 days (week in review)

...but it starts with last sunday.
sadly, i am discovering the help offered was a smoke in mirrors bit, and i'm no less alone than previously. which is fine. i've often said i enjoy loneliness.
i do.

here are my lessons on the week:

1. my tragic flaw is love
... and because i have always felt cheated on love, i have sought it so incorrectly. i knew this. i have cut away many people now. and those who cannot be cut are not welcomed with my soul. they remain a safer distance that continues to etch its borders far from me.
unfortunately, they begin to pick up on this, THUS:

2. mom, i am unmoved
... i am frustrated so deeply, although- by now- i ought to be used to this behaviour. you SAY, and you SAY- but you DON'T. you make all of this valid. you were the first. your choice to go is my foundation. i should have known you meant what you said only as a nicety. i suppose all eyes were on you when my marriage imploded, and i am sure there was a type of "rescuers excitement" that ensued- now i wish you would have left me alone. i guess what i really mean is i wish now you had never come back. so when you cry and complain- when you storm away, angry with me over some mundane, menial, unreasonable thing i will say, "mom, i am unmoved."
a year ago, i wrote this for you.

3. xmas... getting... decent
... i have HATED christmas, i mean DEEPLY hated christmas since i was 14. nearly twelve years later, i find that- it's true- a child makes all the difference. i bought her a giant, animatronic, interactive triceratops. i think i want one for myself...


4. and yet, xmas sickness streak returns
...it was and is uncanny that every christmas i come down with a mega-sickness that essentially revokes my membership card to society. this year i have been enjoying an unholy combo of sinus infection, bronchitis and strep throat. just as good as it sounds.

5. telling you what
... i am not the snappy type. i truly despise confrontation. i sugar-coat; as well i beat around the bush. i have also decided these aren't characteristics which help me evolve in my womanhood. so, i have decided to let you know when you cross a line. i'm getting better at it- i am still uncomfortable with it, but i am starting to like it.

6. ay, dollars
...i finally made my set list of goals. someone very close to me mused, "...but you always talk about how it is so easy for you to disappear; how much you just want to get in your car and go... this seems completely contradictory."
well, yeh, it is. however and again: a child makes all the difference. i cannot be feral. and yes, this creates a pain in my soul, but for her, all pain is tolerable; and whats more is, i can withstand all things for her, without reservation.

you WILL understand.

that being said, i am paying down my debts and fixing my credit while slowly accumulating NEW monthly payments and MORE debt, which i believe i can totally handle, providing i can somehow get hold of my credit score and stick to my budget.

then i will buy a house.

7. real love
... i think it is. and i think it is the first time.

who knew?

love my way

"Theres an army on the dance floor
Its a fasion with a gun, my love
In a room without a door
A kiss is not enough in

Love my way
Its a new road
I follow
Where my mind goes

Theyd put us on a railroad
Theyd dearly make us pay
For laughing in their faces
And making it our way

Theres emptiness behind their eyes
And dust in all their hearts
They just want to steal us all and
Take us all apart, but not in

Love my way
Its a new road
I follow
Where my mind goes


Love my way
Its a new road
I follow
Where my mind goes

Swallow all your tears my love
And put on your new face
You can never win or lose
If you dont run the race

Love my way
Its a new road
I follow
Where my mind goes"

-psychedellic furs

bronchitis forever

my faith in mucinex is dwindling.

i yelled at the tv during one of their commercials:

"LIES!"

i screamed.

"ALL LIES!!"

no, arnold! it isn't worth it!

last night i dreamt arnold schwarzenegger broke into my house and shot me in the head.




i didn't die right away, instead i was asked questions like:

"do you feel dizzy?"

-- yes

"are you having trouble completing sentences?"

--yes

ultimately, no one called an ambulance- everyone laffed at me and said my head wound wasn't that serious.

****

anyone??

yuck

... and once again i am in a terrible mood
but this probably is 99% due to
1. being sick
2. not getting a WINK of decent sleep

all this travelling from couch to floor to chair is taking its toll.

i really want a bed.
thats all.
just a mattress on which to lay my head, and subsequent remaining parts of my body.

****

so now i have to make it thru the rest of the day
with my throat and chest and lungs feeling like they're on fire

i know-

all i do is complain

let's do it,cincinnati

so... dubiously, let's pretend that we just enjoyed the
"Blizzard of '08"
because, you know

we saw maybe 2 inches of snow, and THAT is really about all we can feasibly handle.

what i don't understand is why all the schools decided to panic and let out right in the MIDDLE of the storm when the roads really were at their worst,
when by 3 or 4 in the afternoon most of the main ways had recovered and no more precipitation was on the horizon.
it just seems as if it might make more sense to keep everyone in the buildings, where they would be safe, instead of sending them out to trail blaze in the slush and sleet to combat senseless, paranoid, cincinnati motorists.

on the other hand i have admittedly been a "cincinnati driver" since i first got behind the wheel, but THIS year i have found i don't get so scared.

i suppose i just feel safe in the vanagon. she really holds her own. my biggest concern is tipping over, but she's a pretty hefty girl so it might take a little more than i expect.

all a part of my blossoming adulthood, it seems.

when you become a real-live grown up you no longer fear driving in winter BECAUSE of winter itself- you fear it because everyone else on the road is clinically insane....

some of my ramblings...

i used to have a myspace profile, and i used the blog function on there from time to time. since i dont want to lose any of my writings i am posting those blogs here.
below are a collection of my ramblings from the past 2 years on myspace.

enjoy!!

*****

Friday, June 22, 2007

alabama hot nights


because my geography is incorrect, and while i had SAID i wanted Washington state, the universe has placed me here in the deep south.

i love it.

i spend my days wading in the mire. occassionally someone will need a tire changed.

i have placed a request for a dozen dead roses, i keep getting the live ones with real faces--

i could hang them, if i choose, tonight then, when the work is done...


****
Wednesday, June 27, 2007

ohio, black hole


someone said

"something about the seven hills"

i read some intresting things about the number seven, either in the idaho thrive or maxim.

did you know the number seven is the country code for russia?

if i were exotic my colour would be steel gray.

a peacock, seven shade of gray.

*****

Thursday, June 28, 2007

my apologies to kansas
Current mood: crushed

i slept right thru you.

i didn't breathe your air or feel your dirt on my feet.

........

whats the deal with that, moose?

you cant talk to me in a dream and expect me not to love you.

........

it's a hot night, salina.

let's drink lilac wine and blow kisses like bubbles toward colorado...


*****

Saturday, July 07, 2007

cigarette girl, part two
Current mood: incredulous


yesterday, a man bought a bunch of cigarettes. to amuse myself, i asked "Do you ever dream about cigarettes?"

He gave me a weird look and said no.

So I said, "Aw, man- you're missing out! In my dreams I am a cigarette fairy in cigarette land!"

He says "In my dreams, you're a brunette."

!!!!!

ew


*****

Friday, July 13, 2007

"murder, most foul"
Current mood: amused


so today, this guy comes up to the register, looks at me, drops his BEER, and says...


"OH MY GOD, you didn't KILL somebody, did you?"

"No, you're thinking of a tear drop."

BIG sigh. "Oh, thank GOD!..... So what's the star for?"

****

Saturday, July 14, 2007

experiment
Current mood: determined


after closing up the coffeeshop one night, i decided to write on a paper bag--

on one side it said "on the other side of this bag you will discover the meaning of life", and i left the other side blank.

i put the bag on the steps in the parking garage.

a man came down just after i did this, he picked up the bag, read the words out loud and exclaimed

"Well I don't give a good GODDAMN!"


****

free samples
Current mood: uncomfortable


we now have a box of free samples of stride gum at the gas station. it sits on the counter by the register.

last night a man came in and asks me this question: "What is this stride stuff? Some kind of erection gel?"

"No sir," I reply. "Thats chewing gum."

"Oh, heh. I thought it was some kind of erection gel (laffs) (pause) ...Not that I need it...."

heh.

***


Friday, September 14, 2007

an open letter to wes craven
Current mood: disappointed

look,

you've had a good run. no one denies that A Nightmare on Elm Street and Last House on the Left weren't incredible, psychological feats-- and, you know, BRA-VO! with movies like Shocker and People Under the Stairs....

but, Wes-

The Hills Have Eyes?

Projectile kidneys and bad ammunition decisions just aren't scary... they're just.... gross. It felt like a bad spin off of the ORIGINAL Texas Chainsaw Massacre (a MASTERPIECE), kind of the same vibe "Joey" produced as it spun off from "Friends" and into the Pit of Unimaginable Sorrow.

In conclusion, and with the deepest respect of one of your most loving fans, and standpatter Horror movie adherents... Give it up.

"With Love and Squalour"

.M.


****


Thursday, January 17, 2008

good news!
Current mood: busy

i decided to watch passion of the christ last night.
i can't imagine people in the cinneplex trying to eat popcorn watching that.

so, anyway, this has solidified my desire to get a portrait of mary on the back of my right leg. i've tossed the idea around for a while-- i'm not xtian by any means, but Mary was one hell of a woman.

and i like women.


****
Wednesday, April 23, 2008

girl: having a girl:
Current mood: tom waits


anthony said:

"i heard having a girl sucks all the beauty out of you"

i didn't say anything. he wasn't talking to me (persay)--

anthony doesn't really talk to anyone,

well-

in particular...

he just sort of talks...



but i keep thinking about it

i gained forty two million pounds when i was pregnant

and i fucked up a lot of my skin

and things don't really work as well as they used to

and my emotions are bizarre

and i'm sensitive to the point you almost can't touch me



you know



all the usual stuff



and i didn't obsess over this dumb thing anthony said

but i did stare at my face so long i didn't recognize myself

and my hands weren't mine

my arms grew three times the size

and floated to the ceiling

and i jumped, but was too heavy

so i had to watch them leave .



i didn't know what i was doing, those years ago, many years now, and sometimes i feel like i wasted my best years and have forsaken all my opportunity, and wasted my mind and love and attention on all kinds of lame, mundane, ordinary nonsense... and now here i am, with crops and riverfulls of intelligence and talent tht was NEVER harvested, and has deposited itself under my skin in bunches and slid down my face like a mask....



i know i'm being self-indulgent and pitiful



yeh, well....



i'm having a tom waits kind of day


****

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

25
Current mood: argumentative

everyone i know says 25 is a bad age
everyone seems to go thru the same "quarter-life crisis"
the ceiling gets closer...
(deep breath)
ohhhmagod....

i'm so tired today
yesterday, i drank a lot of beer and stayed out in the sun way too much
i didn't drink any water
and i didn't wait an hour before i got in the pool after eating...
so i was pretty much finished at 1030 pm
and went to sleep early
and could sleep more if you let me

***

i feel a morrissey song coming on

***

look you-

i fine tune my integrity everyday
the rules are always changing
so is the arena

i can't figure out
your criticism, and why it's so easy to dispense
i'm your protege, fine
you made me
i'm alive

now what

don't you think i wanted you?
are you mad because you loved me once
or you still do?

getting a bit personal, well
so are you
and what i do or DO NOT DO
is not up for discussion

evidently, YOU
don't know me
as well
as you thought.


****
Tuesday, September 16, 2008

million dollar lips
Current mood: dirty

last night was crazy at the bar-
since the hurricane passed thru
the restaurant is the only place for miles and miles (sic)
which had any power
so
it was like a friday night
which was good
very good
but long
and today
i am tired...

anyway-

so the last customer to leave last night
sat against the wall, far from the bar
and as i was closing
he waved and came over to me and said

"i have been watching you all night.
i find you so intriguing."

this kind of thing always makes me uncomfortable
but i play it off well,
because "mandy-the-show"
was in full effect
so- i don't remember WHAT i said-
but it had to be something over the top
and flirty
and ridiculous
and HE does this:

he says: "You have beautiful lips."
and gives me ten dollars
and then leaves

****

they all fall under the spell of my natural pout
(ha)

but it was flattering
and kind of neat
and hey

my lips made me an extra ten bones.

***

speaking of me saying things over the top
and flirty and whatever else

i had a particularly annoying customer
whom coincided with my brain to mouth function being set to JACKPOT

when he misunderstood my description of a certain menu item
((( i said it smelled of cinnamon )))
he replied:

"No one's ever told me i smelled of cinnamon before.
today i think i'm a bit musky.
i smell like sweat and 18 holes of golf."

to which my instant retort was

"Maybe some girls like the smell of 18 holes on a man."

****

THAT was a bad call....


****