.wrecked.

yesterday, derrick and i were rear-ended on 275, about 630 am.
it turned out to be kind of a big production-
i heard on the news they had gone down to one lane.

no fatalities, just a bit of whiplash
and a slight concussion.

and my back is sore today....

of wasps and rabbits

so...

as i was asleep in the car monday morning,
a dream came to me.

i wake up in the car, surrounded by rabbits
all of which are my pets. i have to exit the car
but don't want the rabbits to get out,
because there are feral cats who roam the
parking garage.

i fail at this however, and rabbits begin
scurrying wildly out of the car as i chase them and try in vain
to corral them back into the car.

when i notice two bunnies on the ledge overlooking
a large drop
i run to their rescue
and

somehow

knock over a wasps nest. wasps begin stinging me
repeatedly on my arms and hands
so that they swell double in size
and NOW i have NO function
of my hands
and i just sort of bat awkwardly at the bunnies
and this gets us no where.

derrick comes into the garage to witness this fiasco
and yells:
"What are you doing? The bunnies are everywhere!
I told you not to bring the bunnies."

******

another inane tale from my subconscious.

what am i doing up

really

i mean

really

why am i awake

.E.R.F. Day

happy earth day to all

i found this image at http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree.html

i recommend giving this site a look-see.

go outside, everyone.

with love,

your dirt-worshiping, tree-hugging, norml activist, peta leafletting, vegan mandy

vegan option?

today the cafeteria offered
"Vegetarian Vegetable Soup"

so I ate it.

I suppose we will find out if there was any
non-vegan ingredient-
fairly soon, i suspect...

is acidophilus vegan??



i wonder...

a while ago...

i did something awful, to someone whom i love and loved more than anything else, always. what i did was downright disgraceful, and i am ashamed everyday to have done what i did.

but

things go on.
life continues,
a little at a time.

this all started with me.
when i am stretched out, over so many areas that demand my constant attention,
my response is to disconnect
from everything
and all at once.

it's a defense of some type.
i've been thru enough therapy to recognize my "defenses."

and i detatched .c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y.

but there was something else,
a small glitch in the program, where
the origin truly should be placed-
not in me,
but in a guest,
to whom i offered endless hospitality.

i allowed them access to my most private spaces,
and i shrink
like a spider enflamed
at these memories.

and this is the catalyst
that began the road
to hurting,
and my deep
deep
regret.

and yet

i find
searches

sometimes

that are not mine,
and which
(so
so
so sadly)
seem to validate
all those feelings of
loss, and disconnection, and lonliness
and ghostliness

and

and i wonder....

i wonder what happens when my back is turned

and

if i turn to far

everything is lost.

....

i was wrong for what i did

but was i wrong for why?

...

"...that blackbird,
that blackbird he says..."
t.b.g.

...

my head
swims.

miasma

surely, the coffee will kick in any time....


i guess i am officially job hunting, because
there no longer seems any reason to stay where i am

the $$ is fantastic, but
i can make just as much somewhere else

and anyway,
i need a more professional environment

the people around my job are so petty
and immature
and i can't get anywhere

and no one listens to me anyway
and if anyone appreciates how much i work my ass off
they never say

and it isn't even that i need to be praised
every time i don't fuck up
(which is mostly all the time- my fuck ups occur
once every 3 to 4 months)
or telling me i'm great because i took the
"initiative" to clean a wall,
or whatever

i just need to get away from my
20-something managerial staff
who just don't get it

love my job, hate my job

but it truly is suffocating there
at least some of the time