so my back is not better:: in FACT
it feels worse
like my vertebrae are crackling
i couldn't believe how much pain i was in today at work- i tried SO hard to keep it together
but after a certain point i just broke down crying
this went on for at least an hour
so i tried to stay away from customers and just do office work
but everyone could see it in my face-
that and i continue to limp.
i will be following up with that doc the e.r. physician referred me to
but i have a bad feeling he wont believe me
its funny-
you get a couple tattoos and suddenly everyone thinks you're a drug addict.
i know i know-
i kind of knew that going in and
its not like i have a tattoo on my FACE
but FUCK.
the pain is breathtaking- and the spasms haven't quite quit.
and the best way i can describe it is feeling as if someone is perpetually
swinging a baseball bat into the small of my back.
on top of this
i got VIOLENTLY sick on thursday
"vomiting with a vengeance", really
****
i hate throwing up-
i am genuinely SCARED of throwing up, which is weird i know
and i woke up fine on thursday
but as the day elapsed my stomach turned itself into a knot
and it wasn't just my belly that purged
it was my entire body
i have never felt anything like that before
a few hours after i started feeling a little better-
Wn was mega-sweet and got me some popsicles
which are the ONLY thing i can stomach after i vomit
but the next day (friday)
i barely ate anything
maybe four bites of breakfast- they didn't feel too good
some easy mac- which i finished but the taste was abhorrent
i had some greek yogurt which i needed desperately for the old g.i. tract
some noodle soup later as filler
and for some reason pizza, which i am STILL tasting
and
that can't be good
later that night i drank not EVEN 3 sips of wine
it tasted HORRIBLE
and made my stomach CHURN
then today-
going on not much sleep anyway-
back all a-fucked
i had maybe a 3rd of a mocha i attempted to treat myself with
a muffin- which went down decently- but
that was it
i have not eaten anything else
mostly because i don't feel like i could keep it in me
and for some reason
i feel extremely full
like i don't have any room in my belly- even for liquid
and the only thing that even tastes right is water
on a brighter side i have only smoked maybe 4 cigarettes in the past few days
i just can't handle the flavour
i feel like i really want some alka-seltzer
***
so now if you know all this and you know how important it is for me to eat
(considering the hemoglobin/blood sugar issues)
then you know i am EXTRA f-ed up because i haven't been eating so
i am totally out of my head
and while i am supposed to take my mega-huge heavy iron pills on an empty stomach
i can't because they give me the worst cramps
and while they truly make me feel better
i couldn't handle the extra pain
so....
bleh.
yeh, i'm having a bit of a pity-party for myself.
i need hugs.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
...so i did it again
1. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
honestly, i don't wear underwear. i don't know how this started, becasue i used to own a lot of pairs.
2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
smoking a cigarette, but i am trying to hold off. it's my last one, and i don't want to drive to the store.
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
well, blogging, i guess. taking surveys because they put me in a good mood. i have been in a pretty bad mood all day.
4. Honestly, what did you do today?
i slept a lot. i played with my datr. i made some fires. meh.
5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
i don't know, this is a weird question for me. i think my face is pretty. i think i have a good personality. i'm a bit overweight and that bothers me. i don't know.
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
um.... i wasn't very nice to some people. i wouldn't say thats bad necessarily.
7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
honestly, i watch disney on demand because my datr likes the mickey mouse clubhouse. if you can tell me how to avoid getting sucked into a kids tv show, tell me how. she will even lose interest before i will. she'll run into the next room, and i'm still sitting there going, "Use the mystery mouse-ka-tool, Mickey! It's the only way you'll make it up Mistletoe Mountain!!"
8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
no, i don't get jealous easily. it really takes a lot.
9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
the feeling of moving forward in my life.
10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
very seldom. i used to a lot more, but it makes your nails look fucked up. i have grown to hate that chewy look.
11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
improving. and i think it has something to do with the painkillers and the fact there is NO NOISE in the house right now.
12.Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
no way. i have to eat regularly or i get really sick, and i have a crazy phobia of vomiting. its called emetophobia.
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
i do, but it's not going to happen, so you know- i get over it.
14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
kind of, yeh, i do.
16. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
i try not to hate. i hate things- you know- i hate that crazy m.i.a. song about... paper planes? is that what they're talking about? it sound like cash registers and guns. i hate the word booklet. i don't know why. it just is kind of a dumb word to me. i hate crazy busy bars like MLT. it isn't so much the bar as it is the crowd, and it is impossible to order a drink.
17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
a big marshmallow. doesn't that sound like fun? i guess i would also like to hug a panda if i knew it wouldn't bite me.
18. Honestly, are you loyal?
i am. until that loyalty is abused.
19. Honestly, are you in denial?
no, i'm just ignoring certain things.
20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
well, maybe. but my back hurts pretty bad so i don't think i would enjoy it all that much.
21. Honestly, who is your best friend?
her name is angie. and i miss her.
22. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol?
oh, it is to laff...
23. Honestly, do you like someone?
honestly, very much.
24. Honestly, does anyone like you?
well, shit i sure hope so. otherwise i would feel pretty lame.
25. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
i think so. right now it's all about taking my time, so i'm not trying to see too far ahead. i think we both just enjoy each others company.
26. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
absolutely.
honestly, i don't wear underwear. i don't know how this started, becasue i used to own a lot of pairs.
2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
smoking a cigarette, but i am trying to hold off. it's my last one, and i don't want to drive to the store.
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
well, blogging, i guess. taking surveys because they put me in a good mood. i have been in a pretty bad mood all day.
4. Honestly, what did you do today?
i slept a lot. i played with my datr. i made some fires. meh.
5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
i don't know, this is a weird question for me. i think my face is pretty. i think i have a good personality. i'm a bit overweight and that bothers me. i don't know.
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
um.... i wasn't very nice to some people. i wouldn't say thats bad necessarily.
7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
honestly, i watch disney on demand because my datr likes the mickey mouse clubhouse. if you can tell me how to avoid getting sucked into a kids tv show, tell me how. she will even lose interest before i will. she'll run into the next room, and i'm still sitting there going, "Use the mystery mouse-ka-tool, Mickey! It's the only way you'll make it up Mistletoe Mountain!!"
8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
no, i don't get jealous easily. it really takes a lot.
9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
the feeling of moving forward in my life.
10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
very seldom. i used to a lot more, but it makes your nails look fucked up. i have grown to hate that chewy look.
11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
improving. and i think it has something to do with the painkillers and the fact there is NO NOISE in the house right now.
12.Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
no way. i have to eat regularly or i get really sick, and i have a crazy phobia of vomiting. its called emetophobia.
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
i do, but it's not going to happen, so you know- i get over it.
14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
kind of, yeh, i do.
16. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
i try not to hate. i hate things- you know- i hate that crazy m.i.a. song about... paper planes? is that what they're talking about? it sound like cash registers and guns. i hate the word booklet. i don't know why. it just is kind of a dumb word to me. i hate crazy busy bars like MLT. it isn't so much the bar as it is the crowd, and it is impossible to order a drink.
17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
a big marshmallow. doesn't that sound like fun? i guess i would also like to hug a panda if i knew it wouldn't bite me.
18. Honestly, are you loyal?
i am. until that loyalty is abused.
19. Honestly, are you in denial?
no, i'm just ignoring certain things.
20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
well, maybe. but my back hurts pretty bad so i don't think i would enjoy it all that much.
21. Honestly, who is your best friend?
her name is angie. and i miss her.
22. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol?
oh, it is to laff...
23. Honestly, do you like someone?
honestly, very much.
24. Honestly, does anyone like you?
well, shit i sure hope so. otherwise i would feel pretty lame.
25. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
i think so. right now it's all about taking my time, so i'm not trying to see too far ahead. i think we both just enjoy each others company.
26. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
absolutely.
these always put me in a better mood
1) Who is the last person you high-fived?
i think it was Wn because we were complimented on the ultimate 80's-ness of it
2) If you were drafted into a war, would you serve?
i think honestly, no... at least not for THIS administration
3) Do you sleep with the tv on?
no thats completely impossible for me
4) Have you ever wheezed the juice?
what? how exactly does one do this? is this question asking me if i have ever drank boo juice?
5) Have you ever won a spelling bee?
i got really close one time and took third. it got me a picture in the parish circular. i think i was holding a beanie baby next to my head in the photo.
6) Have you ever been stung by a bee?
yes- and i almost died!!
7) How fast can you type?
pretty fast. i'm kind of awesome at typing.
8) Are you afraid of the dark?
only after i watch 28 days or 28 weeks later. i am afraid of zombies, or people who have the rage virus.
9) What color are your socks?
which pair? i am wearing two pairs because i am cold.
10) Have you ever made out at a drive-in?
if i did it was with my boyfriend matt junior year. he was a dairy boy at kroger when i worked there. i don't remember why i broke up with him. all i remember is he started dating this friend of mine later on, and i think she gave him the clap.
11) When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower?
i never choose a bath. if i have a bath i have to shower thoroughly beforehand, then clean the tub, then i can take a bath. i'm not much for wallowing in filth, mine or otherwise.
12) Do you knock on wood?
isn't that bad luck?
13) Do you floss daily?
as much as possible. i feel gross if i don't floss. and i am always paranoid that i have something in my teeth.
14) Do you wanna Fanta?
oh god- those kinds of soft drinks give me crazy heartburn.
15) Can you hula hoop?
briefly, in small, sudden bursts
16) Are you good at keeping secrets?
depends on the secret, who it is about, etc. i try to remain unaffiliated, but there is at least one person who gets to hear everything i do. so you know- know that before you tell me anything.
17) What do you want for Christmas?
a tattoo, a gift card to borders. a latte in the morning would be nice.
18) Do you know the Muffin Man?
yeh, but we really havent spoke since that unfortunate incident with the Donut Dame
19) Do you talk in your sleep?
i do- and i've gotten some really weird returns on it. a guy i used to date refused to have sex with me for a week because of something i was talking about in my sleep. he never told me what it was, which i thought was a little unfair.
20) Who wrote the book of love?
i don't know but Mark Z. Danielweski should re-write it. that would just be awesome.
21) Have you ever flown a kite?
not well. i try to think of it as reverse fishing.
22) Do you wish on your fallen eyelashes?
i have before but it isn't a habit.
23) Do you whiten your teeth?
oh for hell NO! that is SO bad for you. ((says the smoker))
24) Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?
that is kind of gross.
25) Have you ever asked for a pony?
every year... sigh
26) Have you, or would you ever, donate sperm/eggs?
i would love to donate eggs, and not just because they pay you for it. ok, well maybe a lot because they pay you for it. but the idea of helping someone is nice too. i think they pay you a lot of money.
27) Can you juggle?
i really try my damndest to. inevitably, i end up hurting myself and/or others.
29) If you could enact any new law, what would it be?
everyone buys me a tattoo at least one time in their life.
30) Do the chickens have large talons?
i hope not. isn't a large talon a sure sign of genetic modification?
31) If you had only enough energy left in you for one last smile, who would you give it to?
i suppose whoever was watching me die. that's kind of creepy. and i'm not sure who i would want to watch me die, or who should be awarded the privilege. maybe i will just keep a mirror with me from now on so if i am dying i can look at myself and smile. thats a good idea.
32) Are you ready to rumble?
not really. i can't rumble anyway for the next 2-3 weeks until my ligaments get better. lame!
33) Can you count to Schfifty-Five?
i can. schwan, doo, doo and heif... hahahahahahahaha!
34) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
no but i got a lot of saturday detentions. those were the worst. i feel like the nuns enjoyed it, however.
35) How do you spell relief?
glass of wine, cigarette. g-l-a-s-s o-f w-i-n-e, c-i-g-a-r-e-t-t-e. like that.
36) Have you ever crawled through a window?
yes i have. sometimes just for the hell of it.
37) Have you ever eaten dog food?
yeh, when i was a kid i tried it. i remember liking it. but my grandfather saw me and yelled at me, so i stopped. it was just the once.
38) Can you handle the truth?
i don't know. the truth can be very painful. i like to dart around the truth a little bit sometimes. it's a bad habit i know, but i like to live in denial as much as possible.
39) Do you like green eggs and ham?
wouldn't they taste the same as ordinary green eggs and ham? all you do is add green dye right? unless they were spoiled, and in that case legitimately green. but why would you serve something like that?
40) Who is your daddy? and what does he do?
wow, he is a news reporter, and to my knowledge has never fallen from a platform while stomping grapes.
i think it was Wn because we were complimented on the ultimate 80's-ness of it
2) If you were drafted into a war, would you serve?
i think honestly, no... at least not for THIS administration
3) Do you sleep with the tv on?
no thats completely impossible for me
4) Have you ever wheezed the juice?
what? how exactly does one do this? is this question asking me if i have ever drank boo juice?
5) Have you ever won a spelling bee?
i got really close one time and took third. it got me a picture in the parish circular. i think i was holding a beanie baby next to my head in the photo.
6) Have you ever been stung by a bee?
yes- and i almost died!!
7) How fast can you type?
pretty fast. i'm kind of awesome at typing.
8) Are you afraid of the dark?
only after i watch 28 days or 28 weeks later. i am afraid of zombies, or people who have the rage virus.
9) What color are your socks?
which pair? i am wearing two pairs because i am cold.
10) Have you ever made out at a drive-in?
if i did it was with my boyfriend matt junior year. he was a dairy boy at kroger when i worked there. i don't remember why i broke up with him. all i remember is he started dating this friend of mine later on, and i think she gave him the clap.
11) When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower?
i never choose a bath. if i have a bath i have to shower thoroughly beforehand, then clean the tub, then i can take a bath. i'm not much for wallowing in filth, mine or otherwise.
12) Do you knock on wood?
isn't that bad luck?
13) Do you floss daily?
as much as possible. i feel gross if i don't floss. and i am always paranoid that i have something in my teeth.
14) Do you wanna Fanta?
oh god- those kinds of soft drinks give me crazy heartburn.
15) Can you hula hoop?
briefly, in small, sudden bursts
16) Are you good at keeping secrets?
depends on the secret, who it is about, etc. i try to remain unaffiliated, but there is at least one person who gets to hear everything i do. so you know- know that before you tell me anything.
17) What do you want for Christmas?
a tattoo, a gift card to borders. a latte in the morning would be nice.
18) Do you know the Muffin Man?
yeh, but we really havent spoke since that unfortunate incident with the Donut Dame
19) Do you talk in your sleep?
i do- and i've gotten some really weird returns on it. a guy i used to date refused to have sex with me for a week because of something i was talking about in my sleep. he never told me what it was, which i thought was a little unfair.
20) Who wrote the book of love?
i don't know but Mark Z. Danielweski should re-write it. that would just be awesome.
21) Have you ever flown a kite?
not well. i try to think of it as reverse fishing.
22) Do you wish on your fallen eyelashes?
i have before but it isn't a habit.
23) Do you whiten your teeth?
oh for hell NO! that is SO bad for you. ((says the smoker))
24) Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?
that is kind of gross.
25) Have you ever asked for a pony?
every year... sigh
26) Have you, or would you ever, donate sperm/eggs?
i would love to donate eggs, and not just because they pay you for it. ok, well maybe a lot because they pay you for it. but the idea of helping someone is nice too. i think they pay you a lot of money.
27) Can you juggle?
i really try my damndest to. inevitably, i end up hurting myself and/or others.
29) If you could enact any new law, what would it be?
everyone buys me a tattoo at least one time in their life.
30) Do the chickens have large talons?
i hope not. isn't a large talon a sure sign of genetic modification?
31) If you had only enough energy left in you for one last smile, who would you give it to?
i suppose whoever was watching me die. that's kind of creepy. and i'm not sure who i would want to watch me die, or who should be awarded the privilege. maybe i will just keep a mirror with me from now on so if i am dying i can look at myself and smile. thats a good idea.
32) Are you ready to rumble?
not really. i can't rumble anyway for the next 2-3 weeks until my ligaments get better. lame!
33) Can you count to Schfifty-Five?
i can. schwan, doo, doo and heif... hahahahahahahaha!
34) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
no but i got a lot of saturday detentions. those were the worst. i feel like the nuns enjoyed it, however.
35) How do you spell relief?
glass of wine, cigarette. g-l-a-s-s o-f w-i-n-e, c-i-g-a-r-e-t-t-e. like that.
36) Have you ever crawled through a window?
yes i have. sometimes just for the hell of it.
37) Have you ever eaten dog food?
yeh, when i was a kid i tried it. i remember liking it. but my grandfather saw me and yelled at me, so i stopped. it was just the once.
38) Can you handle the truth?
i don't know. the truth can be very painful. i like to dart around the truth a little bit sometimes. it's a bad habit i know, but i like to live in denial as much as possible.
39) Do you like green eggs and ham?
wouldn't they taste the same as ordinary green eggs and ham? all you do is add green dye right? unless they were spoiled, and in that case legitimately green. but why would you serve something like that?
40) Who is your daddy? and what does he do?
wow, he is a news reporter, and to my knowledge has never fallen from a platform while stomping grapes.
i....
am in a bad bad bad mood.
i could think of millions of reasons why this might be
but upon further investigation it just seems like
b.s.
and i end up feeling like a malcontent
which is a terrible thing to feel
it makes my awesome mood even worse.
so suffice it to say:::
i hate everyone
i hate everything
everything sucks
the end.
i could think of millions of reasons why this might be
but upon further investigation it just seems like
b.s.
and i end up feeling like a malcontent
which is a terrible thing to feel
it makes my awesome mood even worse.
so suffice it to say:::
i hate everyone
i hate everything
everything sucks
the end.
Monday, December 1, 2008
guess what i did!!
i hyper-extended the ligaments in my spine!!
this is fantastic!
so, the awful twisting injury of doom occured on wednesday
and tonight i finally made it into the emergency room
because no one should cry
on account of sitting
(which i did. sitting shouldn't HURT)
(right?)
yeh
so i went and they took like 5 xrays
which will cost me a small fortune
and they all looked fine
so
i waited in my room for an hour for the doctor to come in
and ask me to walk around on my toes
then my heels
then i had to bark like a dog
and catch a Frisbee with my teeth
and jump thru a flaming hula-hoop
and renounce satan
THEN he says
"it appears you have yah yah yah yah yah yah yah"
and he gives me some muscle relaxers and steroids and painkillers
and we hugged and kissed each other
then i waited for another 45 minutes for nurse to give me my discharge papers---
i won't lie
i thought they forgot me so
i counted the blood stains on the floor
(14 total)
((yeh, there was this weird little trail of blood around my room and into the hallway which no one had bothered to clean up))
then some other stuff happened
now i am blogging about it and
i feel very talkative
because i am also drinking a mix of baileys and egg nog
which is great, a little, right now
but i probably won't mix the two ever again
write it down, ladies...
this is fantastic!
so, the awful twisting injury of doom occured on wednesday
and tonight i finally made it into the emergency room
because no one should cry
on account of sitting
(which i did. sitting shouldn't HURT)
(right?)
yeh
so i went and they took like 5 xrays
which will cost me a small fortune
and they all looked fine
so
i waited in my room for an hour for the doctor to come in
and ask me to walk around on my toes
then my heels
then i had to bark like a dog
and catch a Frisbee with my teeth
and jump thru a flaming hula-hoop
and renounce satan
THEN he says
"it appears you have yah yah yah yah yah yah yah"
and he gives me some muscle relaxers and steroids and painkillers
and we hugged and kissed each other
then i waited for another 45 minutes for nurse to give me my discharge papers---
i won't lie
i thought they forgot me so
i counted the blood stains on the floor
(14 total)
((yeh, there was this weird little trail of blood around my room and into the hallway which no one had bothered to clean up))
then some other stuff happened
now i am blogging about it and
i feel very talkative
because i am also drinking a mix of baileys and egg nog
which is great, a little, right now
but i probably won't mix the two ever again
write it down, ladies...
too cold for the river
my datr's most favourite thing to do::
go down to the river and throw rocks in the water.
so since it's cold and snowy and wet, i'm thinking
no river. i told her::
it is too cold for the river.
she gave me that blank "dora the explorer" blinking stare and replied:::
"ah river?"
***
sigh
***
so instead
i took her to what was once the bane of my existence- first job- lost circle of hell- cess pool
chuck e. cheese
it would have been insufferable had there been anyone else in the building
but it actually ended up being a genius solution to sunny ohio's awesome weather festivus.
she doesn't grasp at all the concept of games and prizes
and she has the attention span of a tube sock
and i was pretty for sure we were going to be asked to leave during her very first skee-ball lesson wherein she insisted on throwing overhand as opposed to the official skee-ball association appropriated underhanded roll...
but i taught her how to pull the tickets just right from the machines so that you end up with a couple extra
and she got to pick out a prize, which ended up being laffy taffy and some incredibly well put together foam plane flyer that flew from her hand and into the abyss...
all in all a good day
go down to the river and throw rocks in the water.
so since it's cold and snowy and wet, i'm thinking
no river. i told her::
it is too cold for the river.
she gave me that blank "dora the explorer" blinking stare and replied:::
"ah river?"
***
sigh
***
so instead
i took her to what was once the bane of my existence- first job- lost circle of hell- cess pool
chuck e. cheese
it would have been insufferable had there been anyone else in the building
but it actually ended up being a genius solution to sunny ohio's awesome weather festivus.
she doesn't grasp at all the concept of games and prizes
and she has the attention span of a tube sock
and i was pretty for sure we were going to be asked to leave during her very first skee-ball lesson wherein she insisted on throwing overhand as opposed to the official skee-ball association appropriated underhanded roll...
but i taught her how to pull the tickets just right from the machines so that you end up with a couple extra
and she got to pick out a prize, which ended up being laffy taffy and some incredibly well put together foam plane flyer that flew from her hand and into the abyss...
all in all a good day
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