"smile on your brother"

derrick frequents the veteran's hospital due to his knee injury. it's frustrating, because since he is 27 (almost) i feel like the doctors don't take him seriously, even with the MRI which they point to and declare:: "Youve got the knee of an 80 year old man."

going there is always a unique experience. the pain is palpable. so many people- some very old, some very young-- some have no legs, others are blind. many are older men who sit all day to socialize and share war stories.

sometimes it is very difficult to be there. whenever i go, i find myself fighting back tears.

the vietnam veterans are among the worst. they wander from lobby to lobby muttering to themselves. in their eyes you wonder if they are seeing the blue and white halls, the tv screens displaying codes and numbers-- or if they are seeing jungles, if they are hearing machine guns and people screaming.

i watch these people get shuffled around and around. it's as if the administrators and doctors don't know what to do with them. they give them a piece of paper, a floor number, a colour. pouring water into one bucket, into another, into another....

i get so sad. the way they get treated is an injustice.

*******

it's a very difficult wave of emotions to describe, and my eyes dampen just to think of it. if you haven't been in a veteran's hospital, i think you should go and sit and listen and feel these people. even if you never have a conversation with anyone, to go and sit there can be a truly moving experience, and everytime i walk away from that place i appreciate what i have more than i used to...

bad, bad days

a person whom i have been close to for the past ten years of my life is not the person i thought he was.

in order to make himself look better in the eyes of a woman he has had to lie about me and the relationship the two of us used to have.

in high school we would talk for hours on the phone telling each other dark secrets about ourselves.

we went thru large periods of discovery together.

for a while we were always there for each other, and i loved him, and felt like i would always have this friend.

since the start of this year our friendship has been strained, and i have wondered why he hadn't been returning my calls, or shown any interest in getting together.

i found out earlier this week that his girlfriend doesn't like me, and that would have been fine left at that.

what i have come to learn is that he has been making up outrageous stories about me to her in order to appease her insecurities, or make himself look like a better person or a combination of the two.

i have always thought of myself as a mostly reasonable person, but the things he said (OH, the THINGS he had the NERVE to say) have hurt me so badly. under my new philosophy (and what a very close friend had told me was "the bad things people do only have the substance YOU give them") i tried to pass the feelings quietly and release the hurt and anger and know that it was not my doing, it was in the heart of my friend, and had been there for some time, because these things are so deeply rooted-- but in the end, it was the length of time, and all my efforts put into our friendship that got the better of me, and while i wouldn't say i lashed out, i DID make my feelings clear.

they fell on deaf ears.

but i have said what i needed to say, and i can leave it at that because i have to accept that this may never (and most likely WILL never) be repaired. and i am left to mourn the death of a once wonderful friendship.

how long, i wonder, has this been the case?

i can only believe it to be recently. maybe i just want to believe that.

whatever reason or action or domino effect that has taken place THIS will be my final summation, and it is

AS WE GROW, WE LOSE. AS WE GAIN, WE TIRE. AS WE ARE GATHERED, WE ARE LEFT. WE ARE ALWAYS MET TO BE FORGOT.
AND THE FASTEST WAY TO EACH OTHERS HEARTS IS NEVER A STRAIGHT LINE...

just words

thank you very much.

i almost posted them here, but decided against it.

another one of those things.

how do you always know?

.p.i.o.u.s.

.considrer it done.

om mani padma hum

growing V

vegan life is treating me well, although I am allowing myself something non-vegan (like a slice of banana bread-- no cheese, plain milk, etc...) once or twice a week.

when you cut dairy from your diet entirely, after so long your body no longer furnishes the enzymes needed to digest it.

....

so there.

i feel great-- like i have more energy-- my body feels better and people are asking me if i have lost weight.

i will be in a bikini by february.

sigh...

well, here it is.
i'm officially stuck, and i'm not handling it well.
at this point (to be fair, at ALL points) i am just trying to maintain some semblance of calm and patience. i am giveing an ernest go at choosing my words and my battles.
the side effect of this is a slow manner of speaking which i find offends people.
THIS as opposed to my quick and sharp-tongued insultery-with-a-smile m.o.

i come off in two-ways: passive or rude.

i am not attempting to bottle anything up or hold anything in, rather to quietly deal with irritations and aggrvations as they occur, allow myself to feel angry or wronged by them, but quickly find a positive way in which the problem can be dealt with or solved, and then forgive whomever (MYSELF included), if applicable.

otherwise (aside from a few small outbursts, warranted or not) i have been polite, forthcoming, helpful, and curteous. and TRUTHFUL.

i have decided to start saying what i think.

i think this:

THIS WORLD IS FULL OF SELFISH, HATEFUL PEOPLE. IT IS FULL OF VICTIMS AND MARTYRS. IT IS FULL OF HYPOCRISY AND LIES. AND I KNOW SOME OF THESE PEOPLE, INTIMATELY.

therefore i resolve to offer compassion instead of ambivilance.

and to keep myself under a close watch. i can feel all the walls breathing on me. i have to find a way to release this anger.

"Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come..."
m.j.k.

money and guns

what is it about money that fucks people up so badly?

40 grand is a LOT of cash.

a fucking LOT.

but-- does 40,000$ cover a college tuition?

if it does, i have nary a soapbox to stand on...