blown of mind

these past few weeks have found me in a fairly neglective state-
from my blog to just about anything else in my life

and i have come to conclusions and realizations
that
at this point
wind farther from me
that i cannot grasp
what lies ahead

***

i was in california
and still
i could not breech the boundary of where my mind
and the rest of the world meet

***

so what do you do when your only reserve
are the thoughts that rip up the patchwork of your life
and in bare feet
wander the outback looking for gods and voices
and anyone who will agree
with you...

***

i follow
for some inexplicable why for
without permission
i go
i follow because i have no where else now
to turn

and my choices
become mine
and not mine

***

so it goes

on fairness

this is what:

i am told often by my employees that of all the managers available i am their favourite.

sucking up?

maybe.

even logical, really.

but i find: i don't have to yell, i don't have to ask- when i am on shift the people working with me do what is necessary, and without complaint.

today i wrote a list of shift duties to be completed, things such as:

wiping down the window ledges, and

detailing chairs and granite bar tops,

as well as

the distugusting chore of cleaning out the bus tubs.

i also mentioned that i was more than happy to work with them in completing these tasks, and

before i could even grab a towel

all the jobs were finished and a note was written on the cleaning list that read

"we are happy to work wtih you too, mandy."

i must say

i was impressed, and beyond pleased with the results and quickness with wich they were tackeled.

so in this arena

i have decided that i am a human-type person.

that, even when i show minimal signs of anger at that which is lacking within my staff

these people feel bad- which is weird-

because for them, maybe,

this restaurant is JUST a job.

but i feel that because i am able to treat them with dignity,

respect,

humility,

and caring

my authority is taken naturally

and i truly believe

these people who work there

care for me

and THAT is why

these things just simply get done.

because i am fair

and firm

and kind

and even.

and i adore them for it.

i think they may know...

in short, i get several hugs from my staff-

EVEN when i have to raise my voice-

not quite an octave

just enough for them to know

i am serious

and that i truly care

about what they have to say-

with me

their opinion counts.

i listen

and i respond.

and all is well.



****



in other news...



i need to be fair to the other people in my life.

the two that revolve around me

as i revolve around them.

especially

that angel little girl

with that sweet voice

and bowlegs.

the chimer

at 8 a.m. i wake to

"mommy? a-up!

mommy! a-up! a-up!"

it is a pleasure

a priviledge.

my cohort in her creation

is holding me at emotional hostage- well

maybe we both are a little...

but in my honesty

and in my clarity

and in all the painful catacombs that lie within the truth

there is harm done- yes, but

at this point

we have only to be rational.

i know that what was in me three years ago

has faded,

along with those "full-of-life" whims and

what else

that made me desirable, once.

and i loved him then,

and now, still, but

different somehow,

and not the same.

and i said before that i was fair, so fair

it shall remain.

i cannot continue this path-

the momraths are sweeping it away-

i have wandered too far

in this darkened part of my heart

and, love

our love decays...



*****

what you need to know is

i have tried to renew that vitalistic

BOOM

but

it just doens't come.

it breaks me to set you free,

but you see

we are both part of this pangea dream

and soul-linked, sure

and tied with these chains that pull us all too far

under the waves

and further from that

angel little girl.



fair is fair

and here it is,

no list and

no please

and no begging

forgive me.



i am impetuous and

reckless, yes.

but i don't wish it upon your heart anymore.

****



"damnit, maxx.

can't you see i'm doing this for you..."

***



if goodbye never came

we would stand forever

on the grey salt flats,

or in the red sands of Yuma,

where voices and cries

no longer echo...



i'm so sorry love...

but



this is goodbye.

run out

i am so exhausted
i think i am getting a sinus infection
i need a nap but
theres things to do

so much is changed
my life is so different now than what i thought it would be

so it goes

R.I.P. Don LaFontaine

Quite sad. Hard to imagine you'll never hear this voice again...



damn.