ultra nausea

i'm SUPPOSED to be getting off the couch and junk but my head is living in my stomach and i keep wanting to vomit everything i've eaten for the past ten years.
ugh.
there is nothing worse than puking besides feeling like puking all day and all night.
people say: "i always feel better once i puke"
how come this doesn't work for me?




this sucks.

jazzfest....? really?

its sponsored by Macy's? ... ....
and there are only two real jazz acts?
Mary J. Blige is headlining?

what the hell is going on here? i feel really cheated...

people are dumb

that's all.

active lifestyling

so i pretty much decided that i'm kind of a loaf, and so i have begun to "healthy up" myself.

i've done some light exercising the past few days, and i'm starting to eat better and not after 7pm at night which is difficult.

but today i took mabyl to the park and sheand i walked a mile and then played on the equipment and had fruit and cereal for breakfast and some green tea.

no more loafing!

bored hauswife con panna

it appears that my start up staff will be comprised mainly of the owners housewife friends who wish to "voulnteer".

oh the excitement.

i'm going to have to get a translator.

its no good

i tried buying the white russian singles and i did not like them. i probably just dont like kahluha because it tastes bad. and we bought the miller cheleda lime and salt thing, but that gave me a bellyache.

have i lost my ability to drink? i can't even stomach wine right now.

sigh.

lessons in humility

at the gas station, i catch myself quite often saying things to myself, such as, "I'm better than this" and "I don't belong here" and this has made me more aware of myself, and it's making me wonder if i'm being judgemental...

it's what these people say (some of them) and the things they do that are permissable there. they're the alternate version of all the richie bastards in mt. lookout. in ways they act exactly alike.

people walk in the door wearing no shirt and no shoes, smoking a cigarette AND drinking a beer with their four kids following them around. they buy some forties, a $2.00 bottle of early times, and four packs of Bronco Lights, and their kid asks for chocolate milk and they get in the kids face and scream "GODDAMNIT, I done already told you you don't GET NOTHIN!!!"

to me they smile and laugh and say "Lil' shits."


other people look sun-weathered and sad. their workshirts are full of holes and their faces red. usually they nod upon entering and offer something like, "hot out there!"

if it's a woman she'll be carrying an 80's-sized pleather purse. she'll buy a six pack of Mike's Cranberry Lemonade, a pack of Misty 120's, and a scratch off ticket. it's easy to make light conversation with these women. most of the time I don't have to talk. they just want someone to listen.

the men are polite and have wives of 30 years or more. they all look too old to be working and when you give them their lottery tickets they make a quiet joke about "early retirement".


august is my out month. it sits ahead of me like a cruise ship. the thought of being able to grocercy shop makes my heart race. it's a real job for once. a well paying, responsible, good job with all the fixins- and it's something i love to do. i feel so lucky to have gotten it, and i can't wait for it to start.

until then, it's the gas station- where i have already been reprimanded for not stocking the cigarettes well enough.

i guess what pisses me off most is being treated like i am a complete idiot when i hit a wrong button or fail to understand the quick-talking lotto jargon, or because i handed somebody 100's instead of kings.

i sometimes have to bite my tongue and not assault them with every four syllable word in the english language explaining to them how self educated and cultured i am. (yes, this makes me feel a little like a bitch) but it wouldn't do much good.

i'm a "city" girl, after all.

look,

i think i may be a really bad friend and whats worse is that i don't really care. it isn't with everyone, only a few. even if they are an amazing person, it doesn't matter.

for some people, i just cannot find the time.

.soitgoes.

paranoia, forsure

i don't get a lot of jokes. it may be because i don't watch a lot of popular tv or movies-- but the other day i said, "I'm sick of movies and movie people" to which the husband replied, "you don't like a lot of things" and i said, "i feel like hollywood is cornering me" and he said "they probably are"

so now that i'm networked on the internet better than a green snake in a sugar cane field, i have to watch my every step.

it's so frustrating, really. the papparazzi are consuming me, in the boutique, in the jag...

kung pow chicken

i hate it when strangers reach for my baby. its so gross.

i don't want my kid covered in other people's smoo.

thats just terrible.

i am never going to that chinese restaurant or the subway again.

re:::directed

i feel as if i have been .s.k.u.l.l.f.u.c.k.e.d. and this is ok, because i have other things brewing in my chaos cauldron.... oooohhhhh.

as of august first i will be in charge of a new cafe, it will open in september, and im going to have a freakish amount of responsibility-- enough to actually WARRANT a blackberry.

so, alright, seattle didn't work out, and YES i have been allowing myself to wallow in self-pity, but I'm starting to FEEL like a crybaby, so I'm going to focus on the positive, fists forward.

no more pleasantries mandy.

imagine that.