"because i do not hope to turn again..."

a barista a a starbucks once said to me
"i love t.s. eliot...
even tho he was a huge douche bag..."

this is after explaining about the tattoos on my forearms
which incorporate a quote from eliot's "ash wednesday"

>>><<<

so sure.
fine.

<<<>>>

everyday that passes now
leaves me feeling as if i have closed yet another door on my previous life

tonight
my ex-landlord came to visit me at the restaurant

i sat with him for a long time

he was recalling his wife of 28 years and said to me
"at this point i don't think i would ever get married again
i am too set in my ways to start over"

i remarked that he was comfortable, but he countered with
"no- i am not comfortable.
i am just happy."

and it caused me to think

happiness, without comfort

it seemed odd, and yet

a person very close to me
told me a story of a family friend
who once lived under a bridge for 5 years-
not because he had to
but because he wanted to see what that kind of life was like

i can hardly imagine
a life under a bridge could be terribly comfortable
but that didn't see to be the point

a life chosen under a bridge for 5 years
must have aroused some sense of happiness

5 years
is a long time-

and at age 25
5 years is
a very long time

but i told my landlord anyway-
"i never want to be married again"

to which he scoffed
and said
"you're young enough for things to change"

>>><<<

he left me with a stack of mail from the old apartment
bills,
more bills

expensive bills, old bills

i owe a lot of people
a lot of money

last week i mailed out the first check
in a long line of soon to be sent out payments
that will e v e n t u a l l y
deconstruct the wall of debt
i have built for myself
that will inevitably
unlock the remainder of my life

this time-
unlike the others
i step foot first alone on my path

it instigates in me a sense of control
and
the more control i assume
the more will power i receive

it feels good
it feels right
it feels right to appreciate myself
and demand appreciation for myself
for once

****

i am closing the doors
and soon it will be a permanent one

then what?

if i am still young enough for things to change
then that gives me much hope

and i will have the correct life, then
for my datr and myself

we're in it together
and soon she will be all i have
and it is good

***
Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the agèd eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is
nothing again

Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessèd face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice

And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care Teach us to sit still.

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

((part 1, ash wednesday, t.s. eliot))

and....

i took off my bandage from the blood tests,
and it looks like i have track marks.

and some serious bruising.

thanks, lab tech.

OH AND

so i went to the same center two years ago after i had mabyl because i have hip pain
and they ran a bunch of tests on me then.
when i went in for my initial visit last week the nurse says
"So what have you been doing about your cholesterol?"
and i didn't know what she was talking about

EVIDENTLY

two years ago my cholesterol was 221.

yeah-
221

and i was 23.

so this quack doctor decides NOT to tell me about my crazy high cholesterol
and i have to find out about it 2 years later.

i mean,
wtf??

i'm outraged.

yay, blood

so i finally went to the doctor because i just can't stand whatever this crazy condition is i have anymore-
or really, just for some answers.
the initial quick blood tests reported low blood sugar AND low hemoglobin-
so i went back today for more blood work, and tried my damndest not to vomit when she took the four viles out of my right arm.
so now i wait.

they put me on iron pills that include the following warnings:
1. do not take within 3 hours of eating eggs, milk, milk products, whole grains, cereal, coffee, tea, or antacids
2. do not lay down for 30 minutes after taking this medication. (why?)
3. side effects include nausea, upset stomach, constipation, diarrhea, green stools, change in colour of urine (fun!!)

i hate iron pills.

and i miss drinking coffee as much as i want.

so but here is my question-
i have decided that since i am O-negative, it is my responsibility to donate blood.
do they take your blood if you are anemic or hypoglycemic, or a hybrid (like me, probably)?

anyone?

you lose, i lose

i want you to be excited about it too

and maybe it's just that kind of estranged calm

but it feels like a fucking shield

and you feel less like you did

oh my god, BREAKFAST!! and also: whats on my van...

so i made myself a DELICIOUS and HEALTHY breakfast. I have gotten myself on a serious health kick (beer drinking aside); it's all a part of my "new leaf" and new life and list of priorities that i am erecting. making lifestyle changes and what not.

anyway, breakfast was so good i decided to share the recipe. so here it is:

i call it: um, (hadn't really thought of a name) omelette of mystery (or something. whats in a name?)

you need:
2 egg whites
3 slices of turkey breast cubed
1/4 cup crumbled vegetarian sausage
a little bit of cream cheese
salsa verde (as much as you want, i wanted a LOT)
black pepper
1 slice of hemp bread (it's part of my hippie diet)

ok so

heat your pan on medium
pour in the whites and let them cook so they become opaque
add your protein
add your cream cheese (i just sort of applied a dab of it here and there- didn't use a whole lot, just a little)
shake your pepper on it
let it cook until the whites are stable enough to fold in half (this is the omelette danger zone people)
add the salsa over the top- use some of the juice to let it simmer in (i let this go on about 3 minutes)
remove the omelette from the pan
toss the hemp bread in the pan and toast on either side
eat

oooooooh it is soooooo good.

i should have snapped a pic but i wasn't thinking about it
if you try it, let me know what you think

*****

i DID snap some pics of what my regulars wrote on my van (as per previous post)







i love it!!

x-static

i only bartend on occasion these days
sure, it hurts the old purse a little
but even though i still mingle with the regulars as often as they come in
it is very nice and nostalgic to serve them
the dynamics of our relationships- the whole web of it- has evolved so nicely over the past year

anyway
"bronco" brought in some window paint
and wrote me some notes on the beer glasses



this one is a smiley face



this one says "hi mandy"


and then he wrote on a bathroom mirror (which irked the owner)

later i found writing all over my vanagon

onlookers seemed a bit surprised i wasn't angry
i wasn't
i was quite pleased

****

it is nice to feel appreciated

.s.e.a. change

"Pauline thought love was simple, turn it on and turn it off...

this is my newest trait, born out of instinct and cunning
i desire
i throttle and consume
and before the dust has settled
i'm already gone

***

each day brings a fresh view on my varietals of woman
and my sly stretches over me like a film
and is involuntary

***

i can't help what my heart decides
my heart leads me
it chooses for itself
all i can do is watch
and follow

***

do not walk behind me, i may not lead

***

it is funny
how one moment
you are more excited,
infatuated
exhausted from anticipation
then
the next moment
you find a distance
growing comfortably
willingly
you lay down the dirt road
extending yourself much farther
much faster each time

***

at least i am protecting myself

***

I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home


***

i think i am a little mad at myself
no one else
it is what it is
and soemthing just isn't right

***

just isn't right.