declimatizing

finally above the water
if not above, at least not assunder
eye-level with
eye-water
welter-waiter
buoyant daughter
server, lover, wife-and
mother
wader wading
waist deeper
sloping steeper
secret-keeper
quiet girl and
longing loner....


i miss you, yes, but
more and over
this is better
growing-grower
quick!, then
slower
not a glance past the
shoulder
will i shower you so
sooner
never closer,
never nearer
never seeing me
for me
for me

for me
so older,
fonder
go and
go-er
last and
level,
EYE LEVEL
with the water, and
if not level

not

assunder

confettied

its october, my favourite month. i can smell halloween in the air-- a marker of a new year, and a time for quiet reflection and hard work.



before we left town i sold all my special spiritual aids and literature-- my entire collection of rare tarot cards, too.

I sold them to people I trust and respect and whom I felt would be loving with these items that were so dear to me.

When we ridded ourselves of all our material possessions (barring a handful of extremely important things) I felt renewed. It was truly a freeing experience. I had nothing. It reminded me how crucial it is to feel that way, how good it felt to not be owned by my belongings.

I'm feeling more and more hopeful as the days pass. Not as angry.

Calmer.

Perched.

codicil

i just now-- this very moment-- confirmed the amount of time in which it will take to open Brylan's is "indefinate".

i will be kept ABREAST of things.

was i not pulling my weight?

....or what?

???

hopefully by spring..... grrrrrr, this is lame.

mighty lame.

for those who don't know...

as my wave of alluring elusivity wanes on, i felt it would be reasonable to post an update:::

i am essentially working three jobs-- YES i am still opening "that coffeeshop" (its called Brylan's) but we've had some setbacks with the house and things are just moving slow overall-- so i stop in from time to time to check the progress.... it'll be a while.

so as not to get out of practice, i work a few mornings a week at a coffeeshop called espresso 2 (or espresso squared) where my boss thinks i have no idea what i'm doing, as if english were my second language. i dont even want to talk about it.

i work nights at Shooters Sports Grill in Loveland. when it is busy i do very well. im still new there so i havent been given any of the best sections yet. im hoping people will quit.

in my down time i enjoy activities such as being a wife and mother, sleeping, eating, and cleaning up shit, both from babies and dogs.

i'm in a pretty anti-social place. i prefer not to venture outside the house unless it is dark and i cant see other people. i'm in need of privacy and the only place that occurs is in the car.

this feels like penance.

****

a lady in the gas station tonight couldnt get my goji juice to ring up properly, so she tried to give me the drink for free, but i INSISTED i pay for it, and once she got the price for the juice i paid her with the exact change but she says not to worry about the PENNY and i was like "Oh No You Dont" and i sat there and dug out what i owed her and i left and derrick was laughing at me, but you know what:::

I was tempted, and I rose above it,

damnit.

mandy:: 1

karma::: 0

is my whore showing?

i missed serving.
i really did.

some lady called me a "waitress" today-- i felt it was archaic.

"yes," i said, "but also i'm a person. sometimes I go out to eat."

well, i didn't SAY it, but it was definately reflected in my body language and 50-watt smile.

theres something about the restaurant that always makes me go back. sure the money is outstanding, and you know, i'm not above winking at an old man for an extra dollar. i once let a pastor smack my ass.

and if you tip me well enough-- for long enough-- i will marry you and have your child.

whores and radiators

it has been three months since i quit smoking.

i had one today.

i was unremarkable, but not bad.

i dont want another one now.

perhaps it is attributable to the sadness im hoisting these days.

someone who has all my things keeps trying to reach me, and i keep thinking "they were just things"

and they were

and i have nothing, no things

i was woken up from a nap and there was anger and noise and more sadness

words are just things, too, right

yeah,

thats all.

breed out

http://www.vhemt.org/

i wish i knew more about links and things on the "interweb"

but this site is about Voulentary Human Extinction-- they make some pretty interesting points, and I have to say I am not opposed to what they're about...