picketed fence

i love my family.


*****
i think i hate my family.

i know thats harsh.

not the kind of "hate" one associates with white cops killing black teenagers--

the kind of "hate" you associate with bunions, or horseradish.

*********

my mother and i do not like each other, now, right now-- maybe once, years ago...

i think i was able to keep her mildly amused as an infant. infants, tho, are a lot like work.

an infant-- at first-- is like starting day at a new job; you come in showered with a haircut, pressed clothing, the works-- show up five minutes early, eager, apple-cheeked, full of promise...

gradually you lose steam. you start hitting the snooze alarm, you start showering only twice a week. before long you start calling off, sometimes twice in the same week. your excuses get weaker-- it starts with a broken car, a broken car leads to a mystery illness, suddenly you're collecting bereavement pay for a fake death...

one day you don't show up.

no phone call. no message.

its a wednesday, and you

disappear.

i'm not sure if i believe so much in post-partum depression so much as i believe in post-partum boredom.

***

at any rate, my mom and i dislike each other. we pretend-- covincingly, sometimes-- that we're old pals. other times it's like seeing thru a window.

occassionally, it's a mirror, and while I try not to gauge my reflection in it, this mirror has been in place for 24 years, and ultimately responsible for my decision to quit smoking.

you know-- what is it about forgivness that it feels like lottery balls in a tumbler? how come you, or I, could give it, 100%, in the flesh, but the recipient is always holding out for a better deal?

how many times do i have to say?

i can't say it. i'm tired of those word and thier mouth feel.

i'm tired of this spiny mocking dance we do.

let's shut if off

anytime will do.

******

i'm not a bad kid. i never was.

it's made me hostile.

the flavour of hostility is like rotted steel and blood.

******

RESPECTING YOUR ELDERS...

how can i?

my parents?

thats a different story.

they're exempt, they always are.

and ULTIMATELY

the fact that THOSE TWO PEOPLE love me the way they do makes everyone else so jealous.

it just IS.

I feel it.

I have felt it since I was old enough to know what it was.

**

did you think i didn't notice?

**

yeah....

i guess you did.

**

**

**

damnit.

wreck your car

it has to be said....

not that it's not been said before....

i hate driving in cincinnati.

no one signals, no one looks, everyone is on a cell phone....

you know- i have insurance-

i should let these people hit me. that way i could get my scion.

dos anos!

this was us on our two year anniversary.

this is officially MY longest relationship.

i guess i CAN committ to things after all--

CERTAIN things--

this man puts up with all my spontaneous, crazy, mega-weird nonsense--

he says he enjoys it,

and, whatever,

he loves me--

and i am better for it.

post .1.0.0.

horray.

stop me

i'm starting to think i don't like dogs. i'm finding that it's not just the odd dog, but most dogs that bother me. maybe i have no soul...

in order to prove i still have a soul, i have returned once again to my vegan ways. it's been about a week now, andi'm already feeling healthier.

i do what i can.

"...cos it too HOT!"

damn.

today there was a heat advisory, like we wouldn't have picked up on it otherwise ("Oh YEAH it IS hot outside....") ... the news reminded you to check on pets and the elderly.

pets....check

elderly... don't own any.

it was miserable in the house. i turned on the ice machine, but it wasn't too happy about it and didn't make much ice.

i have to start painting and upholstering the tables so they lose that stunning hospital cafeteria chic. i bought some spray paint for the primer coat but, alas, it says to use in low humidity....hmmm....

i guess spray paint only works in the winter in cincinnati.

damn ohio valley.

Hey- whats up with people who pronounce Missouri "miz-OR-uh"

anyone?

HORRAY!

and today began the real job. I'm working in the shop (which is in a house built in the 1800's) with NO air conditioning (ack!) getting everything set up and whaever else.

I'm really having a good time, I have a great feeling about the whole thing.

This week I'm contacting vendors to supply our bottled beverages- I chose San Pellegrino as opposed to Perrier, because the latter just isn't classy any longer- and the perrenial favourites like Vita2O and Odwalla. I was going to contact POM but I read on the PETA website that they were doing these fucked up tests on rabbits and mice.

So I said FUCK YOU, POM.

I expect you, loyal readers, (Angie), to do the same.